1001: Every Lock, Save One

By Rada Dengar and Keiran O'Sullivan
91215.0355
Soundtrack: Farewell to Nantes, by Shaun Davey
After Last Man Standing

-=/\=-

-=Serendipity Base Camp, on Sibalt=-

Regardless of whether you were on the winning side or even if you were one of those who actually enjoyed camping in the dirt beneath the stars you should have been flying by, today had been one of those truly exhausting days.

For many in both the Sera and the Alchemy’s camp this had started to show. Their bodies called for real food, true warmth and a nice comfortable bed. For some their mouths could frequently be caught calling for these same things even more loudly. Rada Dengar was however not one of those given to complaining.

It wasn’t that he didn’t feel like protesting their current circumstances; he was most certainly not in the state or the mood to be trapped on this dull, unpleasant planet. The fact that he’d not only chosen a life on board of a starship but one which involved him spending half his time on top of, beneath, or inside an important ship’s system should have made it entirely clear that he had a fondness for all the higher technology they’d denied him here. However all complaining about the things you couldn’t change would achieve for you would be the irritation of those around and he’d much rather let the Ledbetters and the Steeles of this world face that particular situation alone. Irritated people tended to be loud; Rada was sure that if anything could help him right now it was the quiet.

At least quiet was something he’d mostly been able to achieve. It was late here now and in that frustrating way they tended to do, this planet had decided it was time for them to rest no matter what they may have wanted to do, so the light and warmth of the day had slowly faded away. Everyone else was already in their tents. Earlier all those still awake had opted for an evening walk around the area, but they had long since returned tired out and locked themselves away.

He alone had refused to go with them.

Many other times he’d have enjoyed such a walk, especially taken alone, but it was and for a long time had been far too cold here for him to want to leave the slowly dying fire until he was finally entirely ready to sleep.

Crewman Parrish was his tent-mate for tonight again; a relative stranger, and though Rada trusted him as much as he did almost any other member of this crew he knew he’d have to be completely exhausted before he’d easily fall asleep anywhere he was denied privacy for his dreams. Of course, the great advantage of exhaustion was that tonight he may not have had any dreams. That would take true exhaustion though and as much as he felt it in his mind he knew his body was not yet there.

So he sat here by this fire that by this time of night it was decided was better just to let die. Where once it roared with life it now merely managed the occasional whisper of faint crackles from the remains of the once mighty logs. It gave off more smoke than heat at this point; the dry and dusty smell of which he was sure by now had permanently attached itself to his clothing.

At least the smoke was now flowing mostly upwards rather than towards him in the way it did to say 'even the weather opposes you'. It was largely undisturbed by the cold, unpredictable winds that made the leaves in the trees dance the smallest of steps to an unfortunate, discordant tune.

Ultimately there was rather little for the senses here now. It was too dark to see far on the land and the stars above were blocked by the low rainless clouds in the sky. The coarse bark on the log on which he sat, just too low to give real comfort to his knees, was an unusual sensation to one so used to the smoothed and finished world that was a starship, but his fingers had quickly told him they found nothing interesting in being run along the wood. They were definitely reaching for something but he was certain it wasn't here.

So he had no option left but to time and again replay the events of the day in his mind. He looked on like a stranger at his unexpected actions, his ridiculous reactions and Kellyn’s help as she tried to make it seem like his life wasn’t exactly as empty as it was. They’d spoken for some time before he finally knew he had to leave and she kindly let him empty some paint from her weapon onto his clothing so he could get out of the game without being fired on. He sadly smirked at the fact that right now he had no idea how he’d have even have reacted to an ‘injury’ inside the game.

So captive was he to these thoughts that he didn’t realise he was being observed through the door of one of the tents, just slightly drawn back so they could see him.

“How long did you think he’s going to stay out there?” Liis quietly asked of her husband.

“As long as he can.” Was Keiran’s simple but well considered answer.

”It’s hard to imagine what’s going on in his mind right now.” Liis added as she moved, as much as one could move inside a small tent such as this, until she was sat up behind her husband with her arms around his chest.

"Hard ta imagine.” Keiran agreed, finally releasing the door and letting it fall back in place as he laid his hands on top of Liis’. “But tis’ easy ta remember.”

Liis instantly recognised that tone, the one when Keiran was both thinking ‘there but for the grace of God’ and remembering when that same God’s graces had failed him. She made a point of pulling him closer.

Seconds passed with them sitting together in silent contemplation before Keiran finally turned towards her with heart melting eyes that stared down to her soul and left no doubt in their pain of understanding just how much he loved her.

He said simply, “I haveta talk ta him.”

Even knowing the risk Liis made no attempt to argue. She knew Keiran would say nothing he felt would put Rada in any more danger than he was already in if left too long on his own.

“What are you going to say?” She asked, but it was clear Keiran didn’t have any sort of a plan yet.

“I’ll only know that when I’ve said it.”

As she’d done many times before Liis kissed him in a way to tell him to be gone as long as he had to but not a second longer. Keiran got the message very clearly.

As he grasped the edge of the tent flap again and pulled it back he heard emotion clearly reflected in Liis' voice as she called, wanting his attention a moment longer. "O'Sullivan."

He tilted his head in question, again directing those eyes at her that stopped her every thought with just a glance.

"Here and now." She whispered, and he nodded once. He seemed to be struggling to release her eyes from his gaze, as if she were an apparition that would fade the moment he dared look away. She added one final, heartfelt reassurance before finally breaking their stare.

"I love you, Keiran."

He closed his eyes for an instant, exhaling involuntarily as a familiar, bittersweet ache in his chest forced the air from his lungs.

After all they had been through and all the times that he'd fought to stay by her side, longing every day to hear her say those simple, most meaningful of words he could never take for granted hearing them now.

Reluctantly he stepped out from their tent and slowly approached Rada, ensuring he kept his steps quiet as not to startle the young Angosian. Evidently, they weren’t quiet enough as Rada had quickly turned to him and a sense of guilt seemed instantly to have overtaken him.

“I’m sorry, sir.” Rada said quietly but very sincerely with the smoke having left his throat drier than he’d realised. “If the fire is disturbing to you I can put it out now.”

"Didn' disturb an'a'one. Was just wonderin' if I might join you for a little while."

"Actually, I was just thinking about turning in." Rada responded.

"Suit yerself." Keiran plunked down on the log beside Rada and picked up a stick from the pile of kindling next to it. He poked the flames, stirring the embers up again. When that was insufficient to create more light than smoke, he took a larger log from the pile and added it to the lot. He couldn't tell exactly what Dengar was thinking but he saw him shift uncomfortably- he seemed very much anxious to go, but unsure if he truly had the right.

"Don' let me keep ya here if you've set your mind on sleepin'." Keiran insisted, as he poked the embers around until the new log caught. With a whooshing sound the fire finally spread, and immediately the cold air seemed just a little less chilling.

"I'm not sure if I could sleep if I tried." Rada muttered softly, holding his hands out closer to the revived flames.

"Well, if i's any consolation to ya a'tall, have had many nights like that mehself." Keiran volunteered softly. His voice was barely a whisper, and he turned his massive frame more toward Rada's so that he could speak as softly as possible and still be heard. "Sometimes, talkin' things over a bit with someone who can be trusted ta keep a confidence can help."

The remark was an assertion of that particular skill and also an offer of help; Rada understood the man's words clearly enough to know that. He just wished he knew what it was exactly that was keeping him awake, then perhaps he'd be able to find the courage to confess it.

"Thank you, Sir. I'm sure that it's nothing." Rada lied, and rather unconvincingly at that. Now, Keiran's eyes turned more thoughtful than inquisitive.

"My wife has often said to me," a small smile curled just the corner of his lips. It was a sad expression though, Rada noted, and he wondered just what haunted memories lived behind it. "Said that 'with you, 'tis nothin' always means 'tis somethin'. And she does it while mocking my accent."

"She never truly mocks your accent, Sir." Rada said with a sense of knowing that made him wonder. He was surer of this than he'd been of almost anything recently. "She only teases you because she's so very fond of it."

"I suspect you're right, Mister Dengar." Keiran poked the fire again. Finally, as tired and anxious as he was to get back to that wife of his, he found that his patience for this game of cat, mouse and polite evasion was wearing thin. "Look, Rada, here it is." The Irishman set the long twig in his hand aside finally and put that hand on Dengar's shoulder instead.

"Eventually, things get ta be too much for a man to carry. Whether or not we're exactly sure what it is that's troublin' our souls, our souls don't lie like our minds and even our hearts can. We can try to convince ourselves that ev'ra'thin' is fine. We can even keep up the front for a while. A good long while, if we're determined enough. I know, because 'ave done it. But the soul keeps twistin' in ya. Pokin' at ya, every time you close your eyes. It is the voice that whispers in the silence and refuses to let us sleep." He paused a moment, allowing his words to sink in. "There's a hell of a price to pay for the lyin' to ourselves, Rada. I hate to think the years of life it's taken off my future. Don't like seein' the same thing happen to an'a'one else."

On the outside Rada’s expression remained unmoved as he silently sat watching O’Sullivan finish his explanation, yet on the inside he felt the slightest change bending his very world view. It was like staring at a painting and suddenly noticing a subtle detail you never had before; bringing you closer to finally understanding what it means. He’d always seen Keiran as O’Sullivan the strong, the mighty, and though he didn’t doubt that view for a moment, now he saw so clearly that there was so much more. So many times Rada had felt like he was slowly breaking apart and he was only finally imagining that even a man like O’Sullivan had, too.

"Thing is...in the end, you can keep lyin' to ev'ra'one but yerself. If ya succeed in it, you'll never be the man ya want ta be. But whether or not 'tis a compromise ya can live with is somethin' only a man can decide for himself, no matter what an'a'one else says. So." Keiran rose slowly, his knees creaked as he did so and at the moment he felt every bit his age. "If you decide you wan'ta talk, ya know where ta find me. But even if ya don' talk to me, or the Coun'slr, or an'a'one else among the crew..." he held his arms out to the sides. "Try to at least be honest with yerself about what you feel, even if you're not sure the emotions make sense to ya. It might help ya ta figure their meaning out later if you admit at least that you're feelin' like hell now."

O'Sullivan turned and began to walk away. After a moment, Dengar called after him softly.

"I wonder," Rada began slowly, as Keiran stepped back up to him. "If this coma that I suffered, these memory lapses." He shook his head, "I wonder if this might not be what it feels like to have your memory resequenced the way that you and the Captain have been through before."

Keiran's eyes flashed something that Dengar could've sworn was a split second of fear, but quickly it was gone. "Maybe if you describe it to me, I can tell ya." Keiran stalled for time, afraid of saying the wrong thing but not wanting Dengar to stop talking now, either.

“It is…” Rada began trying in earnest but that was felled by the knowledge that nothing he’d say could really capture it “It is something I wish I could explain.” A glance at Keiran showed him that that was something he could understand and by extension let him try again. “Do you know that feeling when you’re dreaming? It’s when you see things all around you that don’t make sense, that could never exist, but when you look at them you think they’re just how everything is. Your mind fills in the gaps around you with small explanations as they’re needed so fluidly that you don’t even know it’s doing it.” Rada paused a moment to observe Keiran and while every man’s dreams are different he could see that still he understood. “Well, this experience is the exact reverse of that. Everything makes sense, it’s all so reasonable, but as you see it it’s like you know that’s not how it is. You feel like your mind’s filling in gaps that by all reason just aren’t there. Only your dreams really feel real.”

Rada stopped, sighing, then waited for Keiran to respond. The Irishman however was unsure just what it was safe to say so instead let the seconds pass in silence forcing Rada to make the next move.

"Is that anything at all like what you've experienced?" Rada asked finally.

Keiran nodded slowly. "Yeah. Sounds a hell of a lot like it."

From the instant that he’d said it Keiran feared he’d just lit a fire or a fuse he could never extinguish as Rada began to stare off into the distance. Silently Keiran could only observe and hold his breath as pieces fell together in Rada’s mind. It was like watching a vault sealed with a hundred locks as the keys were turned, one by one. Each one clicked and clanged with increasing volume, a warning that the safety of the space and all that it may contain was about to be irrevocably breached. Then finally the turning seemed to stop with just a single lock left in place.

Perhaps the terror he felt in this moment was closer to that of someone trying to diffuse a bomb with too little time to complete the task; helplessly left watching the timer on the counter tick down from three to zero before their eyes.

In this case, the action of the mechanism had miraculously stopped on its own at one second until detonation, leaving Keiran frozen with stunned relief but still anxious in the knowledge that if the device was switched back on just as suddenly that Dengar would have no chance of escaping the destruction of the explosion.

Rada slowly turned back to O’Sullivan and seemed to look at him with eyes that had changed drastically within recent seconds. Quietly but genuinely Rada whispered, “Thank you, sir,” before looking down again to the fire.

Keiran didn’t need an explanation of what he was being thanked for. Slowly he began to move off again towards his tent, unsure that Rada would sleep any easier now but knowing he’d done as much as he dared.

Keiran hadn’t gotten more than two steps though before he heard Rada speak again, this time dropping any thoughts of their respective ranks. “It’s frightening, isn’t it?”

Keiran simply nodded before continuing on his way, speaking with haunting sincerity. “Aye, ‘tis.”

***********************
Lt. Commander Rada Dengar
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012

and

Commander Keiran O'Sullivan
Security Liaison to The Alchemy ProjectUSS Serendipity NCC-2012