1103: Back at the Beginning

by Rada Dengar
100718.2230
After Trust in Change

-=San Francisco, Earth=-

The look on Rada’s face quickly passed from confusion to one of horror. He held his hands out from his body and stared down at them almost like they were those of a stranger. Without even questioning it, he had broken into a building just because Wren, this woman he barely knew, had asked him to. There was something very wrong with him and he knew it.

“No, no this isn’t right,” he mumbled to himself, falling back against the wall behind him. Wren could see he was fighting to make sense of the situation and he was failing at it miserably.

This more than just worried Wren; it scared her. He looked so lost in that way he’d never normally allow himself to be in front of any but his closest of friends and his suffering thoughts shone through so clearly. Only now did she comprehend how much harder this must have been on him than even on her, and she just wanted to rush towards him. There were tears still in her eyes and their path down her face had washed away any hope of concealing what she felt.

She tried to offer him something to hold onto as she began to ask herself why she’d possibly brought this up. She’d been so overwhelmed by the very idea he could have trusted her again after all this time, that somehow that trust survived in him even when his love for her was smothered out of existence, that she’d spoken without even thinking about it. She always did that, but now she couldn’t afford it.

“It really doesn’t matter. We all do things without thinking about them. You’re probably just distracted,” she offered, with all the calm she could force into her words against the assault of emotion. The result seemed a forced politeness which couldn’t hide her concern but at least disguised it.

It was so hard when only now she was beginning to understand just how much this experience, this dealing with thoughts and feelings that just didn’t make sense, was eating away at Rada. She felt like she was watching him dying from behind an impenetrable glass screen, privy to every detail but incapable of intervening.

He inhaled slowly, trying to force sense into what he felt, though his breath turned more to a shudder. He righted his stance so he was no longer leaning against the wall behind him but he didn’t look particularly secure in it.

“No, it does matter. This is…” he stopped and attempted a laugh, not derisively but almost as if he was embarrassed. Yet as he opened his mouth no laughter came outward. “I don’t know what this is.”

He was clearly not okay, yet only he could let her through that never ending glass wall to where she could help him. Twice she had to stop her tongue before it could speak the words that would surely end this right away, finally just settling as delicately as she could on; “Do you want to talk about it?”

She knew it was foolish to even think it but something in her still hoped he would somehow open up to her now. Perhaps the most worrying thing was when he seemed to be considering it.

“Maybe…” Rada began, sighing slowly. “Maybe since we’ve done so much already, we should go inside.”

He looked up at her expectantly, his composure painted back on his face as weakly as though through the stroke of a single brush. Though he’d locked his emotions up again; like the paint was on the glass between them, Wren could still see the tension in his stance, the slight shake of his leg and the suffering in his eyes that said he was far from as alright as he wanted her to believe.

Yet he was not gone yet. As those beautiful eyes of his found hers, no longer tearful but yet to fully dry, she could see he still stopped thinking what he was to worry about her. He didn’t say anything about it specifically; he probably didn’t feel close enough to her that it would be appropriate, but he did notice it.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I know this must be very hard for you, and that’s without me going through whatever I am now. I’m sure it’s nothing anyway. I probably have just been distracted.”

Though he clearly didn’t believe his own words Wren found nothing she could say to them. She couldn’t help him now and she knew it. So instead she simply stood and watched as he turned around, taking the magna-spanner once again from his belt.

He looked down at in his hand but he did not immediately move it towards the lock. Internally he was wondering how he knew if he actually thought they should go in there or it were just more of whatever dark force resided in him making these choices. He knew logically that there was something they both needed inside and yet he feared that very logic had been compromised. For a moment he continued to stare before he finally came to accept that he had no way of knowing either way, but at least he could keep the screams of his madness quiet by doing what he’d said he would.

He held the device against the lock and soon a single clicking sound was heard. Then as he turned the spanner the door was released, still slipping open only slightly in an uneven jerking motion. Once again clipping the spanner to his belt, Rada then reached his fingers between either side of the opening. He attempted to pull it open but it was stuck.

As he strained against it, his face began to take on the look of all the rage he felt at his place in life. Though he could surely have found the tools to open it, it was like he needed to challenge it with his bare hands. He needed to feel like he had some hint of control still left. Finally after several seconds the door began to budge until it completely slipped open, and yet as it did he felt nothing except more frustration.

He slightly sighed as he felt how tense he was all of a sudden but he did his best to hide it.

“There we are,” he said more quietly than he realised. “You can…go inside now.”

Wren paused, still so uncertain she even wanted to go inside. Yet it was clear Rada was waiting for her to do or say something at least.

“Thank you,” she said, at first still not moving as he simply left his eyes upon her.

Though with a foreboding feeling, Wren then took slight steps towards the open door to her past. As she did so she attempted to steady herself but she still felt utterly unprepared for the assault of memories she expected was coming or the emotions that they’d carry.

Yet as she crossed the threshold, still under his gaze, and her every sense began taking in every detail; every sheet covered table and chair perfectly preserved in its position relative to the very bar where they’d met, she only shuddered slightly. A barely audible sound of disbelief fell out of her parted lips.

She heard the door shutting behind her, cutting off the external supply of light, but she could see everything here so clearly anyway. She intentionally passed her eyes all around her, her hand running over the sheet that hung covering a nearby table, yet it made no difference. To her shock, she felt nothing here, and she realised this was just a place now. It wasn’t where their love had formed if he didn’t love her anymore. It wasn’t where she had betrayed him if he couldn’t even remember. It was nowhere but a building abandoned with good reason.

She finally stopped walking after reaching the bar and turned around, wondering if Rada had felt anymore than she did in being back here. Yet his eyes were not those of a man recognising this place as familiar. In fact it was like he was only seeing her.

“Are you okay?” Rada asked.

Wren nodded that she was.

“I’m fine,” she insisted plainly, though Rada didn’t really seem to believe her.

He just kept looking at her; not like she wished he would but in that worried way he once had.

“So, what exactly do you plan to do while you’re here?” he asked, clearly just attempting to make conversation.

“I really don’t know,” she said, once again looking around. “I guess…I might have something to eat.” Suddenly a question was forming in her mind, and she forced it out before he had any chance to respond, or she could back down. “Would you mind joining me? I don’t want to eat alone.”

“Sure,” Rada said almost sceptical of the offer. “I’d love to join you.”

He didn’t know why Wren would want him here any longer than she had to have him, and yet there was something about this place. When he’d first seen it he’d tried to walk inside even though it was long ago closed down. Then he’d broken in to it without question.

More to the point, there was something about Wren. For some reason they’d both been drawn here on the same day. If his subconscious had guided him here to remember what he’d done, as he knew had to, then perhaps she was part of it. He couldn’t help but feel that maybe this awful thing he’d done had involved him hurting her. At times, it was almost like he could see a woman’s face in pain in those memories that weren’t there. If that woman was her though, then why would she want him here? He didn’t know but his stomach suddenly asserted to him that he was very hungry, almost wanting him to agree with her suggestion.

Wren smiled at him; thinking this was not the most romantic location but it was almost like they were going on a date again.

“So, what do you want to eat?” she asked, before quickly remembering how he’d always want whatever she felt like. “I don’t know about you, but I feel like a steak.”

Even more confusion suddenly passed over Rada’s face but he shook it off, thinking it must surely be a coincidence that he’d felt like that very thing.

“That’d be nice…”

It wasn’t exactly an obscure choice of food, even for someone of non-Terran origin, and yet it was quite a coincidence that she’d guess the one thing he for some reason always ordered in places like this. He had no idea that a steak in this bar was the first food she’d ever served him, or that that this was how the habit had developed in the first place.

”Great, well there used to be a great place around here called Tom’s. I’ll have to check but I think they even gave transporter delivery.”

“Sounds good to me,” Rada said. “How about you call them and I’ll see about getting us a table?”

For a moment Wren looked perplexed, wondering if he thought she meant for them to go out to eat, until she realised that every table here was covered in a sheet which was itself covered in a layer of dust.

“Sure, I’d like that,” she said with her smile still persisting, which was amazing when she considered how she’d felt just minutes before.

She took a personal communicator she’d brought out of her pocket and began searching through its memory, stepping in the direction of her former kitchen. Meanwhile Rada set about his task. Ever the engineer, he bent over next to the table first to examine the legs and ensure it was stable. Realising as he did that he couldn’t really see much of anything under there, he finally noticed how dark it was in here.

There were no windows in this particular part of the building and obviously the power would have been disconnected long ago. So he scanned the room for something he could use, noticing a set of drawers again the back wall.

Opening the first drawer he found it had been emptied. Moving onto the second however he had more success. Though mostly no different from the first, he found there a folded tablecloth with something inside of it. Placing it on top of the drawers he half unfolded it to find the contents were two old candles, each complete with holder. He lifted one up and examined it in his hands. They were perhaps not the most efficient lighting source but they’d do the job.

So he wrapped them back up in the tablecloth. He then closed the second drawer and opened the third. Its contents were a curiosity. Someone had placed a vase of synthetic flowers on their side.

He picked them up to examine them and as he did his mind seemed to hiccup, repeating what he’d just done but only in reverse. He saw his own hands placing those flowers back in that drawer. He shook his head, trying to return his mind to focusing on the present.

He decided that as curious as they were it couldn’t hurt to bring them as well so he tucked them under one arm with the sheet in the other and carried both back, placing them on the table nearest the one where he intended for them to be seated. With the candles not yet lit he instead checked the stability of the table merely by attempting to rock it and he found it satisfactory. So he pulled the sheets away to reveal the table and the two chairs beneath, finding very little dust had settled beneath them.

Once the sheets were folded and neatly put to the side, he removed the cloth from his pocket and gave the table and chair a once over to ensure they were as clean as they appeared. Finding they were, he moved the tablecloth over to the correct table and unfolded it completely to reveal both candles in the middle.

He righted the candles so they were standing upright but something didn’t quite look right with it. So he moved them apart and put the vase of flowers between them, spreading the synthetic roses out in order that they’d appear more balanced.

That looked better. The question now however was how he was supposed to light the candles. He didn’t smoke so he didn’t carry a lighter. The only tool he had was the magna-spanner which was obviously not designed for such a task. Luckily he remembered an old trick you could do with these outdated models.

For safety reasons, he moved one of the candles over to another table. He then twisted open the locking mechanism before he slid open the spanner’s casing, revealing a thin power conduit beneath. Holding this near the wick of the candle he activated the magnetics and the conduit sparked only slightly, but it was enough to start the flame and suddenly there was light.

Turning the device off again he closed it up, using the second candle to light the first as he heard Wren’s approaching voice

“Apparently they already had a couple of steaks on the grill but the people cancelled their order. So they said it should be ready soon. If you want to wash your hands, the water unit in the bathroom should still be...”

She stopped as she saw what he had done; though not of sadness, there was the hint of tears in her eyes.

“Rada, it’s lovely…”

Suddenly Rada felt very uncomfortable, realising what he’d done could have been taken romantically when he didn’t think he’d intended it that way.

“I…”

He seemed ready to apologise. Wren however would not let him get away with that.

“No, it’s beautiful,” she insisted firmly but warmly and he had no way to argue. “I think it’ll go perfect with this.”

Wren held up a bottle of red wine that she was carrying by the neck, which had been left in a hiding spot she didn’t think Di ever knew about. “I know it’s not chilled but...”

“That’s alright,” Rada said, far quicker than he normally would. Though he didn’t normally drink, he also didn’t normally receive the offer of a drink from a beautiful woman.

Wren was already smiling but she smiled a little more. This was so sweet. Perhaps what she’d said so long ago about them simply starting over was not so foolish.

“I’m afraid these were the only glasses I could find,” she explained as she placed the two glasses she held between her fingers in her left hand on the table. It was clear they were not wine glasses, originally if her memory serves she’d bought these for coffee, but the hint of smile on the face of a fatigued man said he didn’t mind that either.

Lt. Commander Rada Dengar
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012