844: Cast No Shadow

by Fleur Le Marc
90401.17
Before, during and after A Story For Another Day
Soundtrack: Cast No Shadow by Oasis


-=/\=-

-=Paris, France; Earth=-

She couldn't believe what he was doing as he carefully slid the elegant betrothal bracelet over her hand, bringing it to rest upon her wrist.

She was even more astonished to hear him actually say the words, "Fleur, Marry me."

As seconds turned to one minute, then another, she found she was growing dizzy, having forgotten to breathe.

"Fleur?" Jariel looked at her with surprise, and concern now. As much as he knew she loved him, he expected her answer to follow immediately and automatically. "Don't you,"

"I want to marry you, Camen. I'm just not sure if-" She whispered, before turning away and rushing to the door. "I need- I..." She stammered. "See the children home?" She paused for only an instant at the door before disappearing. "I have to get out of here."

She rushed past Pace and Tress outside the building, where the suddenly confused teen was rocking his half-asleep sister in his arms. "Fleur?"

Jariel had told Pace of his plans for the day, and he was alarmed to see her emerge from the building wearing the bracelet, but with tears in her eyes that did not appear to be those of joy.

"What happened?" Pace asked Jariel as the bewildered man struggled to secure the door with one hand as his arms enclosed a mysterious item wrapped up in blankets.

"I'm not certain," Jariel answered honestly. "I think it all may have been a bit too much."

"Let me talk to her." Pace asked.

"Pace,"

"Sir," The boy objected, standing as tall as he could and trying very much to look like a man. "Begging your pardon, Sir, but I have been friends with Fleur in my own right since she arrived on Bajor. I want to make sure she's all right. Will you allow it?"

Jariel knew that in this moment going after Fleur himself was the last thing he should do. Still he didn't want her going off alone- perhaps this was the best alternative. "All right. But promise me that you will come straight back to the ship even if she does not after you talk to her. This is a world you do not know well, Pace, and I don't want you exploring it on your own."

"I won't. I swear it. Tressie, wake up." Having forgotten again for a moment that his sister could not hear him, Pace tried to rouse her with a whisper.

Finally he tugged at her sleeve and Tress complained, taking her thumb and sticking it into her mouth as she tried to lull herself back to sleep. Pace gently persisted, and he stood the groggy toddler beside Jariel. She immediately clamped an arm around Jariel's leg as she continued to keep the thumb of her other hand firmly fixed in her mouth.

"A hand?" Jariel asked, nodding toward his combadge. Pace tapped it for him. "Jariel to Serendipity. Two to beam up."

[Stand by.]

"Pace," Jariel said softly, "Thank you."

"I'll join you soon, Sir."

Then Jariel and Tress vanished in the beam, and Pace headed off in the direction Fleur had gone.

She had not made it far, and he found her slumped on a park bench with her head in her hands, weeping uncontrollably. Without a word he simply put his arms around her.

"Now, is it really that bad?" Pace asked softly, sounding wise beyond his years. "We both know that you have wanted this for a very long time. What's wrong?"

"It's just that." Fleur sniffled, accepting the fresh linen handkerchief that Pace pulled from his pocket and offered to her. She made a note to ask him later who in the worlds had taught him to carry one.

She held the cloth, staring at it as if she didn't even know what to do with it. After several seconds of this, Pace took it back and gently dabbed at the streaks of tears upon her face. "I've wanted it for so long, but I'm worried because for so long I was not the one he wanted to give a bracelet to."

"Fleur," he gave her the handkerchief again, and sighed. "Who cares what he wanted before. That was before a lot of things changed, isn't that so?"

"Yes, but,"

"And isn't it so that he's put everything on the line, taking in me and Tress like this, with you, trying to build a life for us all? To make us a real family?"

Fleur couldn't speak over the pounding of her heart.

"Then this is the last piece of that puzzle. Making you his wife, securing the foundation of our family for the future," Pace observed the look on her face and quickly shook his head. "No, no, don't think that either. He's not only wanting to marry you because of Tress and me. I saw the way that he looked at you, Fleur. In fact, the first time I saw Jariel he was looking at you."

He smiled at the memory. "You'd just been pulled out of the well. You were covered in dirt and you were all bruised up but he looked at you like..." He put his hand beneath her chin and made her look up. "Like he'd just seen the sun rise for the first time in his life."

"But she-"

"She? There is no she there is only you for him. Don't you trust my judgment?" Pace asked, "I know I'm young. But I've seen a lot. And I know what I see when I see the two of you. You belong together. I don't care who came before. The man loves you Fleur, and that's all that matters now."

"Pace," Fleur said soberly, appreciating his effort to comfort her but certain he didn't understand what he was saying. "You do not know, you just."

She thought to the stories that Jariel had told her of the other time- in which they'd been married but there had always been something standing between them; the long, dark shadow cast by another.

Cast by Zanh Liis.

"Maybe not." He said sadly. "But I do know if you turn him down you'll regret it for the rest of your life." He kissed the top of her head and stood up. "I promised the Vedek I wouldn't stay long. Won't you come back to the ship with me? Talk to him?"

"I need some time to think. I need to stay behind for awhile."

"Not too long? We'll worry."

"I promise you, I'll return to the ship before the party starts tonight. We're supposed to be there and I won't let Camen down."

"No." Pace answered thoughtfully, "I know you won't." He sighed. "Now let's see if I can do this right." He tapped his newly assigned combadge. "Serendipity, this is Gillan Pace. May I beam up please?"

[Energizing.]

As the beam caught him and he began to fade, he said one thing more "I love you, Fleur."

"I love you too, Pace." Fleur said after he'd gone, and finally she rose from the bench and began to walk, with no clear destination in mind.

-=/\=-

No matter where her feet had taken her over the past six hours, Fleur found that she could not escape the fear that relentlessly hunted her.

Whatever sight she fixed her eye upon, be it one of beauty or--as she had walked intentionally past the building where her childhood home had been-- of sorrow, all she could see was the look on Camen's face when she had responded to his proposal of marriage in a way that took both of them by surprise.

She'd spent hours in deeply contemplative thought. She went over every event that had transpired on Bajor- from the time he took her to 'meet his family' to the night he danced with her as snow gently sifted down upon them from boughs of downy, sheltering clouds.

Her mind retreated further, back to days of her youth, then forward again to days on Deep Space 23, in which hours passed slowly in days that were measured in the distance between when he said goodbye until the time he would smile upon her again as he came into the cafe, every day at precisely the same time, to have his lunch.

She thought of how gutted she'd felt when he left the station to seek recovery from Pagh-tem-farr on Bajor, and how she'd wandered aimlessly the surface of this very planet for nearly a year trying to find something, anything that could inspire her, and coming up with absolutely nothing at all.

In neither sun, nor moon; nor the Grand Canyon or even the Northern Lights could she find any wonder.

The Great Wall, the Taj Mahal, all completely devoid of the impact that people swore they should have upon anyone with a heart beating within their chest.

Perhaps, she guessed, that a heart had to be functioning in order to appreciate the beauty in such things; and hers was most definitely broken.

Lastly, her mind fixed upon one moment in time, and that was the one that haunted her now as she closed her eyes and tried to forget the way it made her feel.

-=Flashback: Months ago, aboard the USS Alchemy=-

"Our friendship means the world to me, I would never,"

"Is friendship all you really want from me, Fleur Aurore Le Marc?"

Fleur's complexion turned ashen.

"You are an attractive, single young woman and it is inappropriate for me to conduct private spiritual study with you. I apologize if my not seeing this sooner has ever given you the wrong impression," he hoped that he had not unintentionally led her on.

"Inappropriate?" Fleur wrung her small hands tightly together. "That is one thing that you have never been, Vedek Jariel." Tears filled her eyes despite her best attempts to prevent them, and she stared at the top of the table.

"Fleur," Jariel touched her chin gently. "We have been friends a very long time, and it is time that we speak the truth to one another."

Truth, Jariel? Have I ever deceived you?" Fleur asked. She didn't like the way this was going, not at all. There had to be a way out of it without him saying what she was so afraid he was about to say.

"You have never, I believe, intentionally deceived me Fleur, but you have kept something from me. Looking back, I should have seen, I should have known," he paused, not wanting to sound arrogant or presumptuous. Perhaps he had misread her after all and her feelings from the other time did not carry over...

Just as he dared to hope, she crumbled.

"What was I supposed to do, Camen?" Fleur's voice dropped, forcing him to lean closer to make out her words. "I know how you feel about her. Have I ever stood a chance against that?"

The look on his face said it all.

"There. You see?" She wiped tears away as they fell. "What is the point of telling someone that you love them when it is wasted, eh? I had thought, I had hoped that if I was patient," she stopped, silently cursing the Prophets for misleading her.

"I hoped that if I was a good friend to you, that if there was ever a chance there could be more for us, then I would be waiting the day that you were ready. Ready to try to mend your heart the next time she broke it."

"You have been a very good, and very dear friend to me, Fleur Le Marc," Jariel reached across the table and took both of her hands in his. "I thank you for that. But tell me, what kind of friend would I be in return if I allowed you to continue on this way?"

"There is no chance then," Fleur's voice was hollow, her eyes were still tear filled, yet devoid of emotion. "That you could ever love me, just enough to-” She looked down at his hands as they held hers.

She'd cast the last of her pride away now; there was no hiding the truth any longer. She was going to say everything she had ever wished she could say to him right here and right now

Jariel gently kissed Fleur's hands and it was almost too much for her to take. She pulled them away.

"You must find your happiness, Fleur. Find someone who can care for you without reservation, the way that you deserve. Because you do deserve that."

"I would be willing to live with your reservations, Camen," she whispered, "and I would wait, forever, if there was only the chance,"

He shook his head.

"Do not wait on me. You have your whole life ahead of you, there is too much joy for you to give it up willingly waiting for something that cannot be." He touched her cheek gently. "Don't settle for less than all of someones love. If you do, trust me, you will live to regret it."

He reached out and grasped her ear. "Your Pagh is strong, Fleur Le Marc. Walk in the light of your own truth, and you will have the life that you dream of."

She clutched his wrist and closed her eyes, wishing he would never let go. She looked at him, leaning closer, thinking if she could only kiss him once...

Jariel extricated his arm from her grip and stood up.

[[I'm so sorry if I've hurt you, Fleur,]] he signed, unable to speak. [[If I have, I promise you it was never my intention, and I regret it more than you know.]] He was speaking now of the life that was then, and the one that was now. [[Just believe me when I tell you that holding on to a part of someone is never enough.]]

Tears continued to stream down her face as she watched him back away from the table.

[[I love you.]] She signed slowly.

He shook his head involuntarily, not wanting to believe she really meant it.

"No, Camen. If nothing else, you will understand this." She spoke aloud again as he turned away. "I love you, and I promise you, just as sure as you are standing there, Zanh Liis will break your heart."

Camen closed his eyes tightly against her words.

Fleur's voice was determined and chillingly grave as she made him a dark prediction, and promise. "She has done it before, she will do it again. And when she does," she paused, lowering her voice once again to a whisper. "I will still love you, and I will still be waiting."

-=End Flashback=-

And she had waited. She had, despite her best attempts to stop it, continued caring for him even after starting a new life on Bajor.

Then he was there, and suddenly it seemed her every dream might still come true.

She stared at the bracelet upon her wrist and asked herself now why she couldn't accept that her dearest wish had just been handed right to her.

She knew now it was time to return to the ship, even though she wasn't quite certain she could face him yet.

So she sought out instead a quiet place to think, a place where she could reflect upon him and all the things he'd told her, and try to weigh out on the scales of her mind and heart whether or not she could risk her own certain destruction by trusting he truly meant them.

She was sitting on the steps of the gazebo in his favorite part of the rose garden, too lost in thought to hear the approaching booted feet of the ship's commanding officer.

"Hello, Fleur."

Fleur looked up in surprise. This was the first time she ever recalled Zanh Liis addressing her by anything other than a curtly clipped Le Marc.

Hoping that Zanh would be polite enough to ask if Fleur minded her company so Fleur could say 'yes' and send her away, she was sorely disappointed when Zanh chose instead to simply take a seat on the swing under the structure and began to rock in it.

"You know he's out of his mind with worry over you."

"And how would you know that, eh, Zanh Liis?" Fleur felt emboldened by Zanh's own lack of formality and seized her moment to speak her mind. "Or should we all be calling you Captain O'Sullivan now?"

"Captain O'Sullivan is my husband." Liis replied pointedly. "Well, at least as far as certain departments of Starfleet are concerned. For the sake of the simplicity of their minds, I'll be keeping my name for official purposes. But if you want to call me Mrs. O'Sullivan you have my explicit permission to go for it." Zanh's tone was stern and to the point. "Nice bracelet."

Fleur laughed bitterly. "Admire it now, do you? You know he'd have given it to you a hundred times over if you'd only been willing to wear it."

"So that's your problem?" Liis darted from the swing as it moved forward, its momentum propelling her toward the edge of the porch. "It bothers you that you're not the only woman he ever considered marrying? We'll I'm sorry, honey. He's a man still single at forty. Usually that means that someone would have come before."

"But only one someone in Camen's case." Fleur retorted angrily. "You. And you broke his heart."

"Did I?"

"You doubt that?" Fleur stood, thrusting her shoulders back and glaring up at Zanh, even though the Bajoran had almost a foot in height on her and was, for lack of a better term, utterly intimidating.

"He told me. About the other time. About the time he shared his life with me but never quite his heart."

"I see." Liis waited for Fleur to continue, knowing she was far from finished.

"He told me how no matter where he went or what he did- or how hard I tried, that he always wished that it were you at his side instead of me. I look at him at times and I wonder if that can ever be different. If he can truly have changed so much that I will be enough to satisfy him."

Liis sighed, and she plunked down onto the step where Fleur had previously been sitting.

"I want you to listen to me for a second." Liis announced. "You can take this for what it's worth, because it's only my experience, and it's only my opinion. Take it or leave it. All right?"

Fleur nodded.

"Jariel and I were thrown together as children, and he always felt responsible for me. From the first time he saw me pushed into the mud by the larger children, he wanted to protect me. To look after me. And he always did."

Liis paused, looking around her at the carefully tended plants that Jariel loved so much. "But I couldn't be what he wished me to be. I couldn't ever give him the life that he needed to make him happy. He could spend the rest of his life trying to make me over into something I'm not, and I could spend the rest of my days fighting the fact that he wanted a home and a family and I was never going to be able to give that to him."

Fleur listened mutely. The skirt of her dress swished at her knees as she anxiously rocked her weight from foot to foot.

"You know as well as I that there is no man in the universe more dedicated to those he loves than Jariel Camen." Zanh went on. "Once he cares for someone, his loyalty knows no bounds. Even if it becomes apparent that the people he cares for do not deserve such consideration. Even if continuing to give it causes him pain."

Fleur had to admit, even if only to herself, that she knew this to be true.

"He continued to feel responsible for me, and I knew it. And the day came when we finally had to accept- I did, even before he was ready to, that I was not what he needed. If telling him that hurt him, then my only regret is that it took me so long to do it. Maybe years earlier it would have been easier on both of us. But you have to understand something Fleur. For years, we were the only thing each other had to hold on to. We helped each other survive. My stubbornness and his kindness worked well together when we were children."

Liis rose again and moved toward Le Marc, putting her hands on Fleur's diminutive shoulders. "We aren't children anymore." She let the words hang in the air as she lowered her hands to her sides. "We've grown up, and we outgrew each other."

"You know things about him that I never will." Fleur objected.

"Perhaps once I did, but I don't believe that's true any longer. Tell me, if you can, that there isn't something about him you've learned in the time you spent together on Bajor that he didn't tell you for a fact that he never told me. I bet you can't, can you?"

Immediately Fleur's mind flashed to standing at the graves of Camen's family and how he'd said that he had never taken anyone, let alone Liis, there with him.

"No." Fleur admitted. "I can't."

"Then excuse me for being so blunt, Le Marc, but you're an idiot."

"I beg your pardon?" Fleur gaped. The nerve of this woman...

"If you allow your fear to hold you back a day, an hour, a moment longer, you're a fool and no one can save you from your own stupidity. If that is the case, I pity you, and what's more I pity Camen because you're going to be the one who truly breaks his heart."

Zanh's combadge chirped as Fleur continued to blink indignantly, and Liis sighed and tapped it. "Zanh."

[Captain,] TC Blane addressed her, [Commander O'Sullivan wishes me to tell you that the Blakeslees are on their way to the holodeck. Short of intentionally trapping them in the lift, we're out of time. If you don't hurry you're going to miss their entrance.]

"Understood." Liis responded. She retreated quickly, calling back to Fleur as she hurried for the door.

"Jariel loves you. Whatever else you do, don't blow it."

---------------------------------------------
Fleur Le Marc
Civilian Crew
USS Serendipity NCC-2012