947: By Her Own Hand

by Wren Elton
80829.2200
After While Horse and Hero Fell

-=The Personal Quarters of Rada Dengar; USS Serendipity=-

Wren was seated one last time in Rada’s favourite chair taking in the view of a room where even after all she’d done she could still feel him with every sense but her sight. Up to this point she’d managed not to cry. She still could not believe she was really doing this. She should never have had to do this. It was one thing to find yourself simply wiped out from the mind of someone you love; it was one horrifying chilling thing no one should ever have to live through. Yet to be here was like the knife had been pulled from her chest and then been thrust back into her heart narrowly missing the previous still bleeding wound. What she was now doing stung both just the same and in an entirely different way.

They were making her wipe herself out from his life. The knife was being thrust by her own hand though someone else held her wrist. She bitterly recalled how no one had forced her, no one had ordered or threatened her. All they’d done was to gently remind her of the consequences if Rada’s resequencing were to be undone.

*The bastards.* she’d thought at the time. There could have been no crueler coercion. There could have been no better way of taking her choice away.

They’d said the forgotten memories in whatever form they still existed were separate now from his mind. That they were like a ship floating above the ocean and that for a single memory to escape it would have to tear a hole through the hull. Soon and inevitably the vessel would begin to sink and its contents would start to spill. No matter what they did, like a drop of venom in a glass of water the memories would soon spread to poison the entire sea.

She’d felt so numb as she’d packed it all away. Others had offered their assistance but she had adamantly almost viciously refused. She was the only one who could know just what here would remind Rada of her.

‘The only one’ She still couldn’t quite believe that could be true.

Her life was being dictated by forces much larger than herself. Forces she’d found herself wondering, for Rada at least, could have been stronger than their love. She felt a cold chill pass through her with that thought and for a moment simply couldn’t move, it’d been a long time since she’d felt such doubt.

Those forces may have been able to rip apart his mind, to crush their family underfoot, but they would not dirty what once they’d had by making her justify to them the significance of the tokens of their love.

There was a small creature from Earth, she couldn’t remember the tiny thing’s name, but it lived in the ocean and its often discarded shells were decorated with a mesmerizing intricate mixture of vibrant purples and blues. Sometimes when the wind was right and the seas were kind they would float to the beach where they would promptly be crushed by the people passing by. Rada however when he encountered one chose to step around. She’d not seen the shells at first and when she’d asked him what he was doing he’d picked one up to show it to her. They were beautiful and she was amazed that without him she’d have not even noticed. That’s why for every home she’d taken since that time she’d always carried one of those shells along as a sign of the change he’d made on her life even when he wasn’t there. She’d have to take that shell away from here now.

They weren’t just her things either. There’d been a time when they were both younger; she was perhaps even a little wilder. He was working on some small engineering project but the piece of equipment he needed was nowhere to be found. Apparently there were only a few available to them and the other students were using them more than their fair share. Rada of course decided he’d just have to wait, Wren however, did not. With the description that they looked sort of like a small back ball she’d tracked down the young man who was most frequently overusing them and with perhaps a little hint of flirtation talked her way into his home. He went to get drinks for them and she located the device then grabbed it and ran like hell.

She’d never forget the look on Rada’s face when she’d presented it to him, abject terror would perhaps be the best description. She’d stolen the wrong little black ball and apparently he’d just learnt that security was already on the look out for the thief. If they found out she’d taken it, even if she was in the process of returning it, he was scared of the trouble that for her could ensue. Ever protective, he insisted on keeping it himself and that she should just try to ‘lie low’. She’d thought he’d have just thrown it out the first chance he’d get to do so safely but he’d held onto it for all of these years.

For just a moment that knowledge had made her smile until she remembered it’d hold no such special meaning for him now. It’d never have that meaning again and she probably should have just gotten rid of it now. She couldn’t do that though and she knew she couldn’t leave it here. Anyone else would have left it. An engineer keeping a piece of engineering equipment, no one else would consider any significance to that; not even Rada anymore.

It was these things she’d packed first because it was these things she trusted herself with the least. Many times she’d found herself asking if she couldn’t just leave some small reminder, something not to force him but to let him remember on his own. As she’d held every single one of the items in her hands, knowing the others could miss them, she’d been always tempted for a split second to just pretend to have forgotten all about it. Then she’d always realized the horror that could follow and had packed them immediately away.

Then there’d been the things it was obvious to anyone would need to be taken away. She’d thought they’d be easier but it was just more painful to struggle not to think about something when it was so clear to the world what it meant.

First it was the pictures, no images could remain to suggest there’d once been a family here. Every one of them had featured his smile, a smile an empath couldn’t find in the forced expressions on those pictures that were left.

Then it was the clothing and not just that for the woman and child. There was a jacket she’d ordered for him when there’d been a small miscommunication with the measurements; it was exactly his style and exactly tight enough to seriously counteract his ability to breathe. She’d realized that as soon as he’d put it on, but he’d sweetly pretended not to mind and wore it for her, he'd always put her happiness before his own. She’d planned on having it let out when she’d get the chance. That chance now would never come. As a gift he’d have cared for it. If he thought it were something from himself he’d have just scalded his stupidity and thrown it away.

There were toys, games and even furniture that would have to be gone. That was how she was thinking of it now, never that it was to come with her but just that it would be gone. How much could be taken, she’d found herself wondering. Was this like a glass from which one could take as much as was contained or was it with quarters and indeed was it with men that like enough bricks being taken from the structure of a house that it’ll eventually all fall down?

She’d expected it to feel like an eternity as she took all of their former life away. Yet here she was, with what seemed like no time having passed, sitting in a room stripped bare, surrounded by boxes full of their empty memories. Soon she would have to relocate it all to an area of the ship reserved for the civilian crew.

Up to this point she had managed not to cry. However, with the realization it was all finally over; that their love was finally over, all self control seemed to melt away. Her head fell into her hands as tears streaked down her cheeks and she quietly sobbed as she prayed to whatever gods may be listening that it couldn’t all end like this.

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Wren Elton
Manager, Afterthought Café
USS Serendipity NCC-2012