203: Halo

By February Grace
80306.2330
Following The Scientist

February finished restringing her favorite guitar and tuned it up. She left the ends of the strings long at the top of the neck, using small pliers to curl them into tight little circles. No sharp edges that way, so you were much less likely to poke yourself when handling the guitar later.

She plucked a pick from the small jar of them she kept on the table. She strummed her first chord, and that was when Sparrow padded across the room, trilled a soft greeting, and jumped onto her knees, rubbing against the instrument.

"Now?" She scratched his chin affectionately. "All morning, I've been pleading with you to come out of hiding and forgive me for leaving you with Salvek's family for so long, and you decide you want affection now?"

The cat meowed.

"All right," Bru replied, setting the guitar aside and wrapping her arms around the diminutive animal. "You run the show." He began to purr and she moved him over her shoulder and held him like a baby. He placed his paws onto her shoulder, and she nuzzled her nose against his ear. "I wonder if we've got any messages. Let's go see."

She moved over to the comm with the cat still over her shoulder, trying to see around him as he moved his head back and forth, blocking her view. "Hold still, please!" She managed to get one hand free to tap the switch, and the screen blinked on.

"No new messages." She sighed, and finally the cat decided he'd had enough of being hugged. He began to squirm and she struggled to release him before he used his claws to free himself. He disappeared from sight, and February flopped onto the chair before the desk.

She looked at the screen again, and she bit her lip. "Computer, display most recent messages originating from Earth, or the USS Equuleus."

Two messages popped up; text only.

One from Earth, one from the Equuleus. They were dated stardate 80209.1 and had come in just before she left on the Alchemy.

She promised herself she wouldn't read them again.

She promised herself that she wouldn't hope for, or keep checking for, any response to the letters she had sent in reply.

Promises that, even as she made them, she knew there was no chance she'd be keeping.

Disappointed in herself for having looked, February tapped the screen off, moved back to the couch, and picked up her guitar again. She began to play, and nearly missed the sound of the door chime when it rang.

Her visitor, whomever it was, was persistent and so finally she responded. She really didn't want to talk to anyone.

Ever again.

"Who is it?"

Silence was the only reply, and she realized who it was. "Computer, release the doors." She rose, guitar still strapped to her. "Vedek Jariel, please come in."

Jariel came closer, and offered her the same warm, genuine smile he always did upon seeing her.

[[February, you're not wearing your. . .]] he wasn't sure of the exact term, and so he just gestured toward her bare wrists.

"My marrow purification equipment? The treatments are almost finished. Once a day now, and tonight's the last one. I hope." She didn't miss toting around the device, hating how the leads it required got in the way and made it impossible to either crochet or play the guitar.

Jariel was troubled by her demeanor, which did not seem to have improved at all since her release from Sickbay days ago. He didn't have to ask, he knew that she must still be without her link to Reece.

"I feel like an idiot." February blurted suddenly, without warning or provocation.

[[Oh, no. Why would you ever say such a thing?]]

"Do you remember, when we talked, in the arboretum right after Reece decided to stay with me on the Independence?" She knew, of course that he would. "Do you remember what you said to me? You were right, Vedek. You were right, and now the time has come when I just have to face and deal with the consequences of my actions."

[[Consequences? What consequences?]] He knew that she'd already weathered some minor instances of fallout from their Reassociation, but this had to be something more.

"They're punishing me." She announced, with absolute conviction. "That's why I can't hear him anymore. We were never meant to find the connection, and because we did and we decided to hell with everything and everyone else, they let us keep it for awhile. That way we would really suffer and know what we'd lost when they took it away."

[[Who is this, 'they'?]] Jariel asked as he gently unstrapped the guitar from her back and removed it, setting it aside.

He led her by the hand back to the couch, and waited for her to sit. After she finally did, he sat beside her and held her hand in both of his.

"I don't know! The gods or the Fates or maybe even your Prophets. If they took your voice, couldn't they. . ." February stopped. She didn't want to cause him any pain in her desperation to find an escape from her own. "Couldn't someone take away my connection to Reece, too?"

He sighed and released her hand so he could speak.

[[Little angel,]] Jariel began, his eyes overflowing with compassion as he spoke. [[Your situation and mine are. . .very different. The link occurred, according to everything we know, because of a strong tie between Grace and Reece, not to mention yourself and Dabin, isn't that so?]]

"That's what Dabin said. That's what the Guardian told him."

[[Then why or how could anyone else intentionally take it away from you? There has to be a physical reason, some medical explanation. The radiation affected you in ways that no one anticipated. I believe that if you give yourself time, a chance to heal. . .]]

"But there's nothing wrong with me anymore, Jariel!" February insisted, jumping up and walking away. She hugged her arms around herself as if she were freezing. "The doctors say I'm fine. My symbiont is fine. Everyone is FINE!" She wished she could hold back her frustration, but he knew her too well, there was no way she could hide the way she really felt.

"I shouldn't even be whining about it. You live without your voice and never complain to anyone. Lair Kellyn almost died! I have no right to complain about anything."

[[Loss is loss, and any individual's suffering does not diminish or negate that of another. You and Reece have lost something that was treasured by you, both. For however long you must live without it, you are within your rights to feel sad. It's perfectly normal.]]

"That is the one thing I have never, ever been, Jariel." She held her hands up in a hopeless gesture. "Normal."

She leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them, dropping her head down. A moment later, the cat reappeared from the next room and nudged his way beneath her long blonde locks, finding her nose and touching it with his own. She sighed, shooing him away gently before looking up at Jariel, and wiping at her tear-stained cheeks with the cuff of her sweater sleeve.

"They were right about me all along."

[[Who was?]]

"My parents. They said I'd never amount to anything. Never finish anything." She shook her head. "Well, I finished off one thing, didn't I? I finished off the lifespan of the Grace symbiont. It will die when I do. And now I've lost my connection to Dabin, he'll surely begin to regret his decision to Reassociate with me. How long will it be before he decides to leave? I can't give him what he thought he was getting. It's not fair to expect him to stay."

[[No,]] Jariel objected, moving to sit beside her on the floor. [[That's not true. Dabin would never. . .]] He tilted his head to the side. [[Do you regret your decision, Bru?]]

"No." she replied honestly, without a moments hesitation. "I don't. No matter what anyone says, or anyone does to try to hurt me, because of it." She shook her head. "I don't. Even if everything was gone tomorrow, I know I did the right thing. That is why I'm being punished."

[[Who would try to hurt you because of-]] He was interrupted by the sound of the door sliding open, as Dabin strode through.

"Well hi there." Reece looked down at the pair seated on the floor. "Are we playing a game? Can anyone join?" He tried to joke as he normally would in the hopes of putting a smile on her face, but again, all he saw in her eyes when he looked into them was sadness.

[[The angel was just telling me that her treatments are almost over.]]

"Yep. One and done. That's the plan, anyway." Dabin offered his hand to February, and she reluctantly allowed him to pull her up. He then squeezed her from behind, with his arms wrapped around her waist and his chin on her shoulder. "And that's a good thing, because we're going to have company."

"Dabin," February groaned. The last thing she wanted was more visitors.

"Don't worry, you'll be happy to see him. Though, he looked a lot different when I talked to him over subspace earlier than he did last time you saw him, you might not recognize him." He shared a glance with Jariel, who hoped that Reece knew what he was doing. "We will all be glad to see him, I promise."


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Lt. (sg) February Grace
Senior Flight Controller
USS Serendipity NCC-2012