527: All I Know

by -=/\=- Zanh Liis
80923.0300
Immediately following Miles to Go
Soundtrack: All I Know by Five for Fighting


-=Church of Christ the King at Turner's Cross; Cork, Ireland=-

Her eyes stung and turned red, but refused to release her pain in the form of tears.

*Too late to cry now,* she thought, *it won't do anyone any good.*

Mary Clare heard the sound of someone intentionally, and loudly clearing their throat and looked up.Father Quinn, the parish priest, was signaling it was almost time to begin the funeral Mass.

"Would you consider takin' a seat up by the front with us then, Captain?"

"Thank you, but it wouldn't be appropriate." Liis replied. "Please, don't let me keep you. Go and tend to your family, especially Carrick. I'm afraid the boy won't keep his feet beneath him."

"I'll see to it that he has a pair of steady O'Sullivan arms on either side'a him at all times, Captain. I promise." Her shoes clicked across the floor and the sound echoed up, higher and higher, all around them as she retreated. She paused but did not turn back, overcome with emotion as she spoke.

"Thank you, Zanh Liis. For bringin' both of them home to us."

Liis didn't respond, having no words with which to do so and knowing that the woman had not expected an answer, anyway.

*I might deserve your thanks if I had managed to bring them both home alive,* The idea she had failed in this seemed unbelievable to her even as she thought it.

How was it possible?

Everyone said the mission had been a success, and yet somehow, Keiran had still been the one who had to be carried back, taken home for the very last time.

The ceremony was a blur to Liis as she sat in the very back row of the church, head bowed respectfully the entire time.

Prayers were recited, songs were sung, Psalms were read. Communion was given and taken, More prayers were spoken.

Finally at the end of it all Liis stood behind the very last pew and watched in complete disbelief as Keiran's three brothers, two brothers in law, and Carrick stepped up and took hold of his casket.

The flag of the United Federation of Planets was still displayed upon it, and Liis struggled to stand upon weakened knees as they walked past, only managing to do so by promising herself, repeatedly, that it was almost over.

It would all be over soon, and she would have nothing left but to begin to try to accept it.

She waited until everyone else had left the church, wanting to get to the burial site at the last possible moment. Each one she could delay was another moment she could deny this was real; another chance to remember him as he was.

The way she wanted to remember him.

She waited until she heard the procession of vehicles start up and drive away before she finally exited.

Upon doing so she was shocked to find three very familiar men, dressed in their finest, formal uniforms, waiting for her.

When they approached, she found she could keep her composure no longer.

Her shoulders shook with great sobs and immediately, Dane and TC rushed forward to take her by the arms.

Salvek, his eyes betraying his deep concern, indicated the steps in suggestion that they should sit her down there.

"This isn't happening." She whispered, looking up at her officers. Her friends.

His friends.

"Tell me this isn't real. Tell me that I can still fix this."

Blane's jaw set as he slowly shook his head.

Salvek considered any words he could offer in the moment to be empty of any real meaning, even though he himself knew the pain she was facing and so remained silent as well.

It was Dane who surprised all present by throwing his arms around Zanh and resting his head on her shoulder, weeping silently along with her.

"If anything could fix this," he whispered as she rested her hand atop his head, her instinct to protect and comfort him taking over even in her own grief, "I'd do it. Whatever it took. I'm so sorry, Zanh Liis, I'm."

Liis lifted his face gently, her hand beneath his chin, and looked into his red-rimmed eyes.

"You did everything he could have asked of you, Dane. You brought his son home." She brushed tears from his cheek. "He would have been so proud of you."

Salvek realized that time was passing quickly, and that they needed to hurry if they were going to make it in time for the final, graveside service.

"Salvek to Serendipity, four to beam to the coordinates I provided you earlier."

[Acknowledged, Commander. Energizing.]

Ever thoughtful, the Vulcan had arranged for them to beam just down the hill from the site in question, allowing them to approach respectfully on foot. The closer they got to their destination, the slower Zanh's steps became.

"I don't think I can do this, Thomas." She warned Blane softly, as he continued to carry a great deal of her weight as they walked. "I have to. But I can't." She knew she was making no sense, and she also knew that she had no choice.

She had to.

No sooner had they arrived and stood respectfully at the back of the crowd, when Father Quinn began to speak again. His words of prayer, though lovely and comforting to the family, brought no such consolation to the woman standing on the opposite side of the tree from Keiran O'Sullivan's casket, arms wrapped around her shoulders. The words blurred together and faded into roaring static that drown out all else, swallowing lesser sounds whole.

As the sun set over the horizon and the sky began to fill with stars, Liis thought back to the night of the Perseids, ages ago and lifetimes away, where he had professed his love for her here- beneath the very tree beside which his mortal remains would be laid to eternal rest.

This was the only thing she had requested of the family, when they had asked how they could possibly thank her for not only returning Carrick to them alive but also bringing Keiran home to Ireland instead of allowing Starfleet to commit him to space.

All she could ask was that he be buried here, on the land he always felt was their home. The place where they had felt the most alive, and the most loved, in their life together.

Of course, she couldn't tell them about the previous timelines, or exactly how well she'd known him or how much she loved him.

Still, she knew that the O'Sullivans' weren't foolish; and of all, at least Mary Clare had some sense of knowing that Liis had been more to Keiran than just a partner in his classified work, or his Captain.

The one person Liis wished she could have told the truth to most of all was now standing mute and still at his father's freshly excavated grave, looking for all the world like a soul with no direction.

At the end of the service, Salvek moved forward and took the flag from Keiran's casket.

He folded it ceremonially and gave it to the elderly patriarch of the O'Sullivan family, who was seated in a chair, surrounded by all of his living children.

Even with six remaining and also grandchildren present to support him, it was clear to see that the loss of his middle child had left a sorrowful void in the man that no one else could fill.

"With the thanks of a grateful Federation." Salvek intoned softly, before nodding respectfully and stepping back.

The ceremony was soon concluded, and people began to filter down the hill, walking slowly at their own pace, some talking, some weeping in solitude as they headed to late dinner planned for family and friends after the service.

"We'd be pleased if you'd join us for a meal," Tadgh O'Sullivan offered his hand to each of the Starfleet officers present. Last of all he held it out to Zanh Liis, who was leaning against the trunk of the tree, her weight fully supported by it. She looked up at the foliage overhead, and closed her eyes, listening as it rustled in the breeze.

"Thank you, but we must return to our ship." Salvek spoke on behalf of the group. "Captain Zanh may wish to join you, however," he tilted his head toward her in query, but Liis shook her head.

"Thank you for your kindness, Tadgh. But it's time for me to say my own..." she choked the last word out softly, "...goodbye."

"I understand. Thank you again, for everything. Please, do come and visit us when you're back on Earth, won'tcha now? There will always be a place for you at any O'Sullivan table."

Liis nodded as tears gathered in her eyes once more. "Thank you."

With a last mournful glance behind him, Tadgh slowly walked away.

"Captain," Salvek objected immediately, "I am concerned about leaving you here on your own."

"Salvek I'm not asking your permission. Let's be clear on that."

He did not take her sharp words personally, instead, he simply relented, knowing there was no point in trying to argue. "Very well."

TC Blane paused before the grave, observing a respectful moment of silence of his own for his fallen comrade.

Next, Dane stared at the ground and then back at Zanh in disbelief. She put a hand on his shoulder.

"We'll talk. Later. All right?"

He nodded, and moved to stand behind Salvek. For his part he'd seen enough, he couldn't wait to get the hell out of here.

The trio of officers disappeared in the glow of the transporter, and as the evening chill settled over the land, Zanh Liis pulled her wrap tighter around the shoulders of her simple black dress.

Believing she was finally alone, she slid slowly down the tree and sank into the grass, holding her head in her hands.

She took a moment to look up at the beautiful twilight sky, remembering all the times they had done so together when this was the yard of the home he'd built for her with such great care and attention to detail.

She drew in a deep breath and slowly released it.

"You had some nerve. Teasing me about my Tennyson." She spoke to the open sky, wondering which of the stars overhead now represented the life that Keiran O'Sullivan had lived, and given, in the service of others.

"But you were even worse about Ralph Waldo Emerson. Always, always Emerson."

She shook her head slowly from side to side. "Your beloved Emerson wrote "When it is darkest, men see the stars." Well it's never been darker for me, and I see them now, Keiran, but they are meaningless to me. What purpose do any of them serve if their light will never again be reflected in your eyes?"

She allowed her head to fall forward again as she reached around her neck and pulled a chain out from beneath the collar of her dress.

Dangling from that chain, falling just beside her heart, was his signet ring. She'd offered it, along with his mother's rosary to Mary Clare, but seeing the look in Zanh's eyes when she regarded the ring, the young Nun had immediately decided that Liis should certainly keep it, especially considering that Keiran had left instructions that he specifically wanted her to have it.

Liis insisted in return that Mary Clare take the rosary though, and she was grateful to have it.

Knowing how bitter Carrick currently was, she promised to keep it for him, until such a time as he would truly want it.

"All you ever wanted was to come home, Keiran," Liis' chin quivered, tears scalding her eyes anew. "So I brought you home. I only wish," She stopped, sighing again. "If you're in that Heaven you believed in so faithfully, I can only hope that you're at peace now, with everything. That even though I couldn't save you that somehow you know,"

She shook, sobbing softly. "That you understand exactly what you meant to me. What you will always,"

She looked up suddenly as she heard a soft gasp from behind her. She jumped to her feet, and saw Carrick just over her shoulder.

"I knew it," he whispered, "Tell me the truth, Zanh Liis." He placed a hand on either of her shoulders. "Tell me that you loved him."

"Of course I loved him," She tried valiantly one last time to shield him from the truth and all of its implications. "Everyone on the Sera loved him,"

"No, not that way," his tone told her she should know better. "I know you deal in times and events which can't be safely talked about, not as such, but,"

Liis observed that there were now tears in his eyes, for the first time this entire day.

"Tell me that you loved him. Promise me that at some point, somewhere, he was happy."

It was evident to Liis now that the thought of what his mother had done to his father in sending him away, unjustly so, tormented Carrick. He needed to hear, to know, that his father had built a life in at least one span of time and space that had brought him peace.

"Yes," Liis gathered him into her arms, stepping into the role of mother-figure more easily than she ever could have imagined. "I did, and we were."

"Swear it, no?" He sobbed, clinging to her.

She pulled back, making him look her in the eyes once again. "I swear it."

"You'll never forget him then, will you Zanh Liis?" He pleaded. "There's so much I don't know about him, so much I wish I," he stopped, unable to speak beyond his pain.

"I'll tell you anything about him that you want to know, in time," Liis promised. "But above all know this, and believe it, Carrick. Your father always loved you, and there wasn't a day that he didn't think of you, write to you, and wish to his God in Heaven to be reunited with you." She reached up and released the chain from around her neck, then pressed it into his hand.

"This should be yours. Your father wore it every day, and so now should you."

Carrick shook his head. "No." Without knowing exactly why, he knew that she was the one who should keep it. "Take it with you, keep it safe. Keep his memory safe. Promise you will."

Liis watched as he slowly refastened the chain around her neck. She lifted the ring to her lips and closed her eyes as she gently placed a kiss upon the crest.

Carrick knew he had to get back. He had already intruded upon her moment alone here, and she was certainly, in his mind, entitled to it. "I'll write to you. I promise."

"You'd better. Or I'll have to come down here to look for your punk ass." She threatened, in a most affectionate way. "Remember, when you finish your training, there will always be an open spot on the roster of any ship I command, waiting for you."

He hugged her close for a time; so long it came dangerously close to breaking her beyond redemption. Finally he released her, left her side and thankfully, didn't look back.

She watched until he disappeared beyond the field of her vision, and then turned back once more toward Keiran's final resting place.

"I'm going to miss you, you know." She whispered, looking down into the still open grave. "You can't imagine how much." She held his ring tightly in her hand, running her fingertips over the inscription which remained etched into the interior of the band.

She glanced up and away towards the sky, again recalling vividly the nights they had spent here beneath these same stars.

She whispered, reciting lyrics from a ballad that they had both particularly loved.

She tried to find her voice, and trembled as she softly sang the rest of the verse.

As she did, it was his voice that echoed in her ears, ringing each note out in perfect, crystal clarity.

--------------------
-=/\=-Zanh Liis
Commanding Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012

NRPG:  All I Know by Jimmy Webb: Originally performed by Art Garfunkel, but covered in a most incredible way by Five for Fighting: proving
that a truly beautiful song, like love, is eternal.

This is but one potential outcome of the Cascade created by Admiral Vox

That means this is the 'ending' we go forward with as far as plot resolution, but I will be sharing with you all the 'alternate outcomes' that I have been working on over the past several months.

Yes, I said months.

I don't sleep much.

~ZL