540: His Worst Nightmare

by Keiran O'Sullivan
80929.16
Following Stardust
and
Concurrent with The Force Behind It All: Two
Soundtrack: Indiana, by Jon McLaughlin

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-=Flash=-

The door chime rang incessantly.

It was far too late for a social call, still no one had hailed him to tell him that he was needed in his role as captain, so it had to be something of the kind.

He rose slowly from the chair, where he'd been watching the stars of Perseus fade into the distance through the view port as they traveled at Impulse.

He'd instructed February Grace to maintain course and speed until they were out of viewing distance of the constellation; after that, she had his permission to finally take the ship to Warp.

The Serendipity was once again on her way, and this time she was leaving someone behind.

Keiran knew that he was leaving his heart behind as well.

He ambled to the door and found a very tired, pale Bajoran man standing on the other side.

"Captain."

"Vedek."

"Apologies. I know it's late."

Keiran shrugged. "I wasn't asleep. Can I help ya somehow?"

"This belongs to you." Jariel said simply. He held up a small, leather bound book and without hesitation, thrust it into O'Sullivan's hand.

"I don't believe so," Keiran regarded the book with confusion. "I've never seen it before."

"Well, I've been going through the few things that she considered to be her important possessions," Jariel answered bitterly, "And believe me, when you see what's inside, you'll know that it belongs to you. Goodnight."

Without further explanation the man turned to leave and O'Sullivan sighed. He could not fathom how, even though Jariel had been the one that Liis had chosen again in the end even after regaining her memories of her alternate past, that he was still jealous of the fact that she'd ever cared for Keiran at all. Now, Zanh Liis was lost and neither of them could call her their own.

*What purpose does bitterness serve?*

"Good night." Keiran mumbled, retreating.

Just after the doors closed the chime rang again, and Keiran took one step forward to release them again.

"I want you to know that I only read the first three words," Jariel declared, intent that O'Sullivan understand. "I didn't read anything more." Without awaiting a response, he hurried on his way.

"Thanks," Keiran said to the empty hallway, shaking his head and returning to his chair.

He sighed heavily as he sank down. Everything seemed to take such effort for him these days. Nothing came easily, and aside from grief the only thing he could feel was ambivalence toward everything. Not good for himself, to be sure, but would be disastrous for the crew if he didn't find a way to pull himself together soon.

He'd been working so hard to shove it all down- staving off his emotional response to her death was taking every ounce of strength that he had. He knew all too well how it had destroyed him in previous timelines. How he had to submit to all manner of medical manipulation just to try to stop the pain. In the end those means had failed, and he had no such option open to him this time.

He worried that if he gave into the unrelenting anguish now that he would be swallowed up by it and never emerge again.

He rotated the book in his hands, looking again at the front cover, and back. It had no title or author showing, not even on the spine so he could only imagine it was a one of a kind, whatever it was.

Finally he opened to the first page, and he felt a searing pain in his chest as he saw those 'first three words'that Jariel had mentioned.

They were written by hand in familiar script, and they were wrenchingly simple:
Letters to Keiran.

He dropped it instantly, the book seemingly burning his hands as he held it.

After countless moments passed, he drew as deep a breath as he could manage and picked it up again. He flipped through it aimlessly, wondering just how many pages of the blank book she had filled with such personal, unsent correspondence.

He found that with the exception of the last three, every page in the book, front and back, was full.

"Oh, God." He dropped his head down. "Liis,"

He didn't know if he had the strength to learn what hidden emotions and unexpressed confessions the book may reveal.

It had been hard enough, wrestling the memories that he'd regained during their Sylph experience and knowing that though she remembered them too, they had to be apart. Then, there were additional memories which had continued to return with detail that both amazed him and dissolved his soul, a piece at a time.

He didn't know how there was, honestly, anything left of him at this point. He only knew that once Starfleet had asked him to take command of the Serendipity in her stead, that it was the only reason he had to try to get out of bed in the morning. He would do it, one day, one hour, one moment at a time if that was what it took.

He would do it for her.

He called for the computer, and it beeped its ever-irritating, cheerful tone in reply.

"Begin playback of O'Sullivan play list twenty-four alpha. Song three."

The computer beeped again, and the sound of a melancholy piano refrain, accompanying a single male voice filled the air.

He sighed deeply once again and returned his attention to the book. It may shatter what was left of him to know what it contained, but not knowing would only erode him. A slower and more torturous way, he imagined, to arrive at the very same destination.

He turned the page, blinking several times as just seeing his name again in salutation written by her hand reduced him to tears.

Keiran,

Vol says that the only way I will ever be able to sort everything out is to get it out of my head and down...somewhere. He said he didn't care if I used a computer, pieces of paper, or a stone tablet and chisel. Just so long as I 'do the work' as he so eloquently puts it.

How does one ever 'do the work' of accepting that they've lost the one thing, the one person, who ever truly made them happy?

"God," Keiran whispered, "I'm hopin' you found the answer and wrote it somewhere in here, because that is the very question that is killing me."

He read on.

If this book should ever, by some miracle somehow find its way into your hands, then I have a request to make of you.

Before you continue past this point, I want you to do something for me.

I want you to take it with you to the holodeck, and bring up program Zanh twenty-two beta. The computer will tell you that it's restricted, so use this access code to get in...

A series of numbers and symbols followed, and Keiran recognized it immediately. It didn't take him long to decipher the familiar coding and come up with her security access code for the program.

I wrote most of these letters while hiding out in that program, and if you should ever end up seeing them, I want you to see that before you read them.

It'll explain so much that I just can't find the words for.

I love you.

~ZL

He rose and slowly buttoned the plain white shirt that hung loosely untucked over his jeans. He pulled on his boots and addressed the computer once again. "Which holodecks are currently unoccupied?"
^Holodeck two is currently unoccupied.^

"Suspend current musical playback and resume in holodeck two, upon activation of the next program." Keiran tucked the book under his arm, and with long, quick strides, made his way toward his destination.

He stood in the middle of the black and yellow grid and did just as she'd requested.

He accessed her program and provided the necessary security code to initialize it.

The moment that the scenery filled in around him, the wind was knocked out of him and he dropped to his knees. Holding the book of her letters to his chest, he began to shake violently, sobbing.

He could barely hear the music as it began to play again as he'd requested.

He simply could not believe what he was seeing. She had recreated home, and not just home, but the night of the Perseids.

How often had she come here, alone, to think of him?

He knew that it had to be often enough to fill that book with words meant to try to heal her broken heart. He wondered if any of them could possibly help rescue him from drowning in similar heartbreak now.

The music continued as he sank into the grass, lay down on his back, and watched the streaks of light bolt across the imitation of heaven above him.

-=Transporter Room, USS Serendipity=-

His head ached but that was to be expected, he reminded himself.

That was always a side effect he suffered when he cried until there were no tears left and he finally succumbed to sleep.

Everything spun around him; his ears rang louder than church bells on Sunday morning.

He couldn't make sense of the voices.

There were just too many voices.

Their words all seemed to combine and become nothing but gibberish as he slowly attempted to open his eyes.

He must be dreaming. He heard her voice for an instant, and that wasn't possible.

*She's gone, remember?* He scolded himself sadly, the way he always did whenever he heard a voice he thought was hers, or saw a tall, dark haired woman from afar and hoped, somehow, maybe...

Finally the roaring in his ears died away and a single, familiar voice became clearly audible. This one he was certain he was hearing in the here and now- it was absolutely unmistakable.

He clenched his burning eyes tightly shut. When he released and opened them again, things began to come into focus.

Why was he lying on the floor in the transporter room?

Last thing he remembered, he'd been on the holodeck; missing her more with every page he read of her letters...

"I'm sorry," Salvek was saying. "You and your rescue team never made it back from Klaestron, and I am certain Keiran O'Sullivan did not die."

*Died?* Keiran was baffled. *They think that I...* He struggled to reacquaint himself with the sequence of actions necessary to overcome gravity so that he would be successful when he attempted to stand. *Feet firmly on the deck beneath you O'Sullivan, then up. Slowly.*

"How can you know that?" Zanh Liis' voice was hoarse and high pitched, betraying her fear.

The pain he heard in her, so deep and akin to his own, was too real to deny.

He tried to execute his plan for getting to his feet, but quickly found he was too unsteady. Salvek, observing his movements, offered a hand to assist and Keiran at last rose to his full height.

*She doesn't realize I'm just over her shoulder.* He couldn't find his voice to speak as he watched her. She was focused solely on Salvek, desperate for answers.

"Because, Captain." The Vulcan explained. "He is standing right next to you."

Liis quickly turned toward him, and just as quickly, she went completely limp, passing out cold.

Salvek and Keiran both reacted, gently lowering her to the deck before she could injure herself. "Salvek to Sickbay. Medical emergency in Transporter room one."

[We're on our way.]

"God in Heaven," Keiran whispered, dropping to one knee beside her. He leaned in close to be certain she was still breathing, and then simply stared at her in disbelief. He couldn't stop himself from reaching out and touching her face with the back of his hand, just so he could fathom the fact that she was really there.

"Captain O'Sullivan, are you all right?" Salvek inquired of the man, who was now a ghostly shade of pale.

"I don't understand," Keiran's blue eyes reflected the depth of his confusion. "Salvek, we were," he paused. "Wait," Suddenly, dozens of images replayed in his mind, layering one atop another as he began to get his bearings and realized that there was still a critically dangerous situation in progress. "My crew?"

"We beamed every member of your crew to safety."

"The Sylph?"

"Their ship was destroyed."

Keiran's jaw set as he nodded slowly. "Salvek," he fought the urge to hyperventilate. "I can't believe she's alive. I swear, we were just at her funeral."

"Funeral?" Salvek's eyebrow elevated sharply. "Did you say, you believe that you were just at Zanh Liis' funeral?"

"I'm certain of it. It happened only hours ago. Why?"

"Because she was just as certain that she had attended yours."

Salvek paused, unsure if he should reveal what she had really been doing when the Sylph intercepted her. "In truth, Captain O'Sullivan, she was part of an Away Team, and they were sent to rescue your son. They were returning from Klaestron when the Sylph intercepted their ship."

"My..." Keiran found he no longer had the power to string words together into long enough strands to form sentences. "Is he,"

"He is alive." Salvek assured him, "We will bring him to you as quickly as possible."

"I need to,"

[Bridge to Salvek,]

"What is it?"

[Sir, we are being approached by a ship identifying itself as the USS Planck. They are insisting that they be allowed to beam a party aboard.]

Before Salvek could request further information, Keiran held his hand up in silence, seeking his attention. Salvek tipped his head to the side in curiosity.

"Let them board, and be sure to tell the medical staff that no one should talk to anyone who has been effected by the Sylph until the Incident Response Team from the Planck does." Keiran instructed, his mind falling back on his training and clicking into Temporal Investigations Agent mode.

Salvek nodded serenely, knowing O'Sullivan well enough now to feel that he could trust his judgment in this matter.

"Tell them that we must clear the transporter rooms first, and then beam them aboard. Inform me as soon they arrive," Salvek commanded, "I will be returning to the bridge shortly."

Keiran had resumed staring at Zanh Liis, holding her hand tightly in his own. He looked up as he heard a frantic, jubilant voice calling his name a moment later, and he found himself nearly knocked to the deck by an emotional Dane Cristiane.

"You're alive!" Dane exclaimed, throwing his arms around O'Sullivan as if he were his long-lost son, instead of Carrick.

"I can't believe you're alive. Keiran...we buried you."

Salvek's eyes widened as he realized that Dane was under the same impression that Zanh had been. This could not be mere coincidence.

Keiran accepted Dane's embrace, slapping him on the back. Then he grasped him firmly by the arms, looked him dead in the eyes and asked one desperate question.

"My son?"

"We did it, Keiran," Dane assured him. "He's in rough shape, but he's going to make it."

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Captain Keiran O'Sullivan
Temporal Investigations
Currently aboard the USS Serendipity