by Rada Dengar and Zanh Liis
90606.14
…continued from part one…
90606.14
…continued from part one…
"No, you don't know," he whispered. "Do you? Have you ever been expected to take the last unthinkable option and accept it as if it were actually a choice?"
-=/\=-
"I won't claim that I understand exactly how you feel, Rada, because I can't. No one can."
"No, they can't."
"But I have..." she stopped. "I have faced difficult decisions. And I've also been certain at times that I knew better than those who were advising me. Was convinced I knew a better way. That I could save him if people would just stand back and let me do my job."
Rada stopped, poised to speak, but was so surprised by her words now that he didn't know what to say in response. After a moment passed, he finally asked a question. "And did you know better?"
"Sometimes I did. Others I was dead wrong. But you have to understand something. I was working with changing timelines, Rada. I got the chance to go back and try again to fix things if I screwed it all up. We don't have that luxury here. And there are a lot of lives in jeopardy, not just Wren's." She knew that Wren's life was all that mattered to him now, over and above even his own. Especially over and above his own. She knew that feeling well and she wished that there was more she could do to help him.
She was however faced with a dilemma considering all those other lives which were at risk. Was he fit to stay in command of his department? Could he possibly still function to do his job?
This was a man who, only months before had been ready to hand over his badge and resign his commission because he doubted his ability to perform his duties effectively enough under pressure. Could he really be so changed now that he was, as she had been in the past, convinced that he was the only one who could do what needed to be done?
"I told Hartcort I wouldn't try to convince you. And I won't." Liis stated. "He told me I had to. But I can't. You're Wren's..." she stopped, knowing that it was useless to try to put a definition to what is inherently indefinable. She changed tack. "You're Wren's voice now. She can't speak for herself. So you must speak for her. What would she want?"
Rada couldn't be entirely certain what Wren would want because they had really never discussed these kinds of decisions. The last thing, it seems, that you want to speak about when you're so healthy and alive is the possibility that one day something could happen and in an instant, you may be neither healthy, nor indeed even alive anymore.
But he knew one thing, that Wren trusted him. So because she did, he had to trust himself now.
"My answer is no." He said clearly, squaring his shoulders. "Please tell Dr. Hartcort that I refuse to allow it."
"Understood." Liis whispered, forced to clear her throat halfway through the word in order to finish it. "But before I do." Liis gestured with arms wide. "You've got to give me a very good reason for not having you removed from duty this instant and taken to Sickbay yourself to be treated for exhaustion."
Any modicum of confident stability he’d been feeling seemed to evaporate away with those words. He turned his head down to escape the eyes which seemed to bore into him; both hoping that he'd have no answer so she could help him and demanding that he give her something to hold onto here that showed he wasn’t completely gone.
Of course he’d known this moment had to come and he’d thought about it many times while he’d worked. He’d considered a hundred different perfectly elegant reasons that she should let him stay. He’d even genuinely wondered if he shouldn’t just beg. However what he said was not an excuse, not a plea, simply a question whispered softly.
“How long does she have left?"
The acceptance with which he said the words sent a cold shiver down her spine.
“Rada…” She said quietly, not knowing how else to respond. Even had she been able to give him an accurate answer, it was not her place to say.
Slowly he turned back to face her, deliberate contemplation entering his words.
“That is the question, isn’t it? And that has to factor into your decision.”
He could see she didn’t understand, though he wasn’t quite sure why. He couldn’t see that right now her concern was here in this room; on the terrified young Engineer standing before her.
“Let’s just say you were to decide to leave me here, to allow me to continue with my work. You wouldn’t be deciding to let me stay like this for long. Pretty soon, regardless of what decision you make, no matter what either of us do; a moment is going to come when I’ll be done here.” His eyes took on a haunting emptiness. “Can a few more hours really make a difference?”
In that moment she truly wished that she could just agree and give him the time he wanted. However there were higher concerns which she had to question whether he was even aware of.
“In here, in this small room, maybe not; but what about Wren?” She asked with determination. “We’re not just talking about your next few hours.” She felt the sharp, first warning sting of the threat of tears behind her eyes, and so she had to rush herself to say this. “We could be talking her last.”
One look in his eyes said he was painfully aware of that fact. Once again she stepped closer, only this time he didn’t step back; there was too much agony inside right now to care about positions in the outer world.
“This could be your only chance to say goodbye, Rada. Not just as your Captain, but as someone who cares about you; I can’t just let you lock yourself away in here. If something does happen and you weren’t there, if she…” Liis found herself almost choking on the words but she had to get them out. “If she died alone. You may never forgive yourself. Wren deserves better than that.”
The look he gave her was like she’d just slapped him in the face by suggesting that he was somehow complacent about the things that Wren deserves. She could see him getting angry again.
“You think I should be by her side? That I should sit and hold her lifeless hand while I watch the readings drop down to zero?”
The anger, it seemed, deteriorated rapidly from the moment he began to speak as his words were soon thick with the unmistakable yet indefinable tones of melancholy.
For a brief instant it appeared there was a tear in his eye, but too quickly for her to confirm it he’d brought his hand up to cover the top half of his face. He rubbed his temples in the way that one would in the midst of a headache and when he brought his hand away and turned back to her the tear was gone.
“Well, I’ve got one question for you then, Captain. Would you do it?” He asked coldly.
“Rada, I can’t…” She replied, but he quickly cut her off with fire returning to his words.
“You wouldn’t, would you?! You would yell and you would scream and you would fight tooth and claw as long as you had an ounce of strength and a chance in Hell of saving Keiran. So don’t try to tell me that you don’t know what you’d do under these circumstances, because we both know that Zanh Liis doesn’t give up.”
He had to stop himself, slowly he exhaled just enough to regain some sense of composure. When he resumed he was speaking much more softly.
“Look, I know I’m not you. I know I’m not the type who charges in with a phaser drawn and strikes my enemy down. I’m the one everyone expects to break down, to just sit by and watch as bolder men save the day, and that’s fine with me because usually I am. But now…”
He stopped again, realising this wasn't getting them anywhere. For the first time he allowed himself to really take in the expression on her face. He saw worry, sadness; but absolutely nothing that said she was being convinced.
“You need a reason not to take me in and treat me for exhaustion?” He asked softly, she didn’t need to offer any sort of response. “Well it’s simple; because I’m not exhausted, not yet. Exhaustion is when there is nothing left.”
He didn’t need to be able to be able to read minds to see from the pain in her eyes that she was questioning right now if there was anything left. Gentle determination crept into his expression.
“Pretty soon, if things continue like this, yeah you’re right; there’s going to be nothing…nothing I can do.” He slowly shook his head, trying to find the right words, “but that time hasn’t come yet. There’s still…”
He couldn’t finish, but he didn’t have to, Liis spoke first.
“What is left, Rada?”
Rada looked around this mess that he’d created and found for just a second that he was questioning what it was worth. Quickly the moment passed and he gestured towards the papers on the floor.
“This; my work is what’s left. I might not be the dashing hero who can take a sword to the throat of Wren’s attacker, but this is what I do. This is what could save her. It could potentially render their weapons useless. I just, I need more time.”
Once again she found herself wanting so much to give him what he asked and yet knowing there was a higher concern she had to be aware of.
"Do you have any idea what you're asking of me?" Liis brought her hand up to her face, her fingers coming to rest on the sides of the ridges of her nose. "I just got word that we're not going to have back up coming, Rada. We're going to be dealing with whatever took the Zenith's crew and is hurting Wren on our own, we can't,"
"This is exactly why you have to let me keep going, Captain!" Rada insisted, suddenly forgetting himself and grasping her firmly by the arms. His eyes were so wild that Liis wondered for an instant if she might not need to call security in before it was over. He looked as if he might be ready to completely lose it, and yet she still couldn't bring herself to reach for the phaser at her hip to warn him off, even if it was only set to stun.
Something in the way that she flinched at his touch got through to Rada, and he immediately released her and held his hands up in the air in a signal that he meant her no harm. He did know what he was doing, and he did know what he was saying it was imperative that he made her see that.
"I've been Chief Engineer for awhile now. Have I ever given you reason to doubt my judgment?" He asked suddenly, and with marked calm that seemed incongruous with the fear in his eyes.
"No. I've never had reason to doubt your work, you know that. But you also know that you have." She didn't want to say it, but it had to be said. She knew that their options here were dwindling and that if the enemy did show up again to pay another visit like they paid the Zenith's crew that the fight would be over before it began. Unless she had something else to try.
She wanted to trust him now, without question. She just needed to know that he really did understand what was at stake here for them all.
"We're not talking about Gardandiums anymore are we, Danger?" She whispered softly, not even aware she had said the words aloud.
The emotion in her voice managed to catch his attention, and he stopped and looked at her with a clarity she'd not seen before the entire time they'd been talking. "What did you say?"
"Gardandiums, and Kalact bushes." She shook her head as the memory came back to her as clearly as if it were yesterday. She couldn't believe that almost two years had passed since the day that she'd met him. "Do you remember when we were introduced? In the arboretum aboard the Independence?"
"Captain-" Rada became quickly frustrated, not wanting to waste a second of time on talk when he had work still to do. So much work to do.
"No. Listen to me." Zanh stepped forward, and now she had him by the shoulders. "The day that we met. I asked you if you were a good gardener. You said that you were. I asked you to help me with the work, and you proceeded to mistake a fresh bed of Jariel's prized Gardandium plants for weeds and yank them out of the dirt before I could stop you. Then you sheared off half a Kalact bush-"
With her words he almost exploded into rage. “Look at me, Captain, I mean really look at me.” He implored her in disbelief as he gestured to the ridiculous state he found himself in. “My hair is a mess, my uniform is a shambles, I haven’t eaten, I haven’t slept…”
He knew he was hardly making a case for himself but he didn’t particularly care. He was going to say this and she’d just have to listen.
“Now ask yourself, is this really that young Ensign so afraid about upsetting his Captain that he’d do anything, say anything, to keep her from seeing through his perfect facade?”
Though he offered her no time to respond, of course she knew that he wasn’t that Ensign, she knew he was different; though she was only just realising how different he was.
“I hate gardening, Captain. I hate a lot of things, and frankly there are some things I don’t like very much about you. I don’t like how much you let your decisions be swayed by emotion. I think it’s pretty damn inconsiderate how loud you play your music sometimes and frankly it wouldn’t hurt you to lay off the coffee.”
Any other time she’d have likely smiled had she heard that last comment.
“And in this moment, as this me, I am not afraid to tell you that. I’ve changed, Captain;” he paused, before softly yet bitterly uttering the phrase he felt would perfectly sum it up. “I’m not chopping at Gardandiums anymore.”
She knew that he was right, he could be much more honest with her now and were they back in the arboretum meeting for the first time things would likely have played out very differently.
"We're not talking about flowers now." She reminded herself, searching his eyes for what she needed to know. "Just tell me that you're sure this is the right way to go. That you believe that you can do this. If you believe it, then I will. And I will leave you to your equations. You just have to tell me that you're sure."
He wanted so much to lie to her. His heart began to speed up as he watched her waiting expectantly for his answer and he tried to force his lips to form the words. Yet he still fell short, unable to bring himself to tell her anything but the truth.
“I think there a chance. It’s a million to one and with each moment the odds are looking worse.” He reluctantly admitted, but still spoke with determination “However it’s a chance worth holding onto and I’ve never been surer of anything in my life than I am right now that this is the way to go. You have to believe me, Captain. I…” he stopped silent, realising even as his words hung on the air that he had nothing left to say.
Instead he just watched her as she studied him, thinking of so much more than the man before her in this moment. She thought of who he'd been, how he’d changed and who he could one day become. She thought of Tam, she thought of Wren and of who she herself had been in other times.
Through the fog of all of these thoughts fighting for the highest consideration she realised that they each only lead to one conclusion.
She confidently whispered; “I do.”
The expression of relief on his face at that moment wasn’t something she would ever be able to describe.
She looked around them now at the scattered papers on the ground, and she slowly knelt down, beginning to gently gather them up to give back to him.
She had no way of knowing what order they were supposed to be in, but the gesture was one that she wanted to make, just the same.
Rada was stuck as if in suspended animation, he wanted to ask her to stop, to tell her that it wasn't necessary, but for some reason she felt that it was so all he could do was watch.
At the very end when she was done, she picked up the discarded pen that he'd been writing with. She held it out to him and he reached for it, hesitantly at first, and then with a swift and anxious grasp.
Liis took hold of his hand with both of hers, enclosing the pen in his palm with her fingers. "Remember what you're fighting for." She said softly, even though she knew already that it was impossible that he could forget. "I know you won't let her down."
She left him alone then, not looking forward to the reaction she knew was going to come from the CMO as she conveyed Rada's message.
She paused as she approached the doorway, hearing Barlow's voice once again.
"Captain?" His one word enquiry spoke a volume's worth of questions.
"It seems, Josiah," Liis said slowly, thinking of Rada and his papers and numbers. "...that we're going to find out if that old saying has more meanings than one."
"Which one, Sir?"
"That the pen is mightier than the sword."
------------------------
Lt. Commander Rada Dengar
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
and
-=/\=- Zanh Liis O’Sullivan
Commanding Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
Lt. Commander Rada Dengar
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
and
-=/\=- Zanh Liis O’Sullivan
Commanding Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012