by Rada Dengar and Zanh Liis
90827.22
Hours after Friends and Family
-=Crew Quarters: USS Serendipity=-
90827.22
Hours after Friends and Family
-=Crew Quarters: USS Serendipity=-
As exhausted as she was, it was still so good to be home.
Home in this case and at this moment meant being back aboard the Sera; surrounded by her friends, her family; her crew.
She exhaled a small, weary sigh as she changed out of her uniform. She tried to dismiss the lingering, everyday pain in her spine. It was something that the doctors had struggled to treat with varying degrees of success; but she reminded herself of one thing about it that had been an odd kind of comfort to her in years past.
As long as she felt pain, it meant she could feel something. There had been hours, days, years in fact when that pain had been the only thing to remind her that she was still alive at all.
She was finally able to stop thinking about it today because she felt something else surpassing it: an intense throbbing in her head.
She could go to Sickbay for a hypo, but didn’t want to risk getting Hartcort’s attention and ending up spending the rest of the evening being scanned head to toe for a simple headache.
She knew rest was what she needed, but longed instead for little more than a long hot shower and a strong cup of hot coffee.
As she reviewed the day in her mind, she gratefully counted amongst her many blessings how glad she was to now be back in a place where no one would ask her to make any more speeches for a while.
She'd spent a difficult morning doing just that- speaking. Then came a torturous afternoon trying to make small talk with the families of the fallen Command Crew of the Zenith at a private reception after the official service; so the very last thing that Zanh Liis wanted to do now was to be around people. She asked herself again why it was that Humans had the bizarre and twisted notion that trying to eat, let alone socialize in large groups when you were grieving was ever a good idea.
Yet attending the event was what she knew she must do, and so she had done it.
As she slipped into a simple pair of black slacks and then buttoned down and tucked in one of Keiran's crisp white shirts, she knew that what she must do next was make her presence known aboard their ship. To reassure the crew that her return was truly happening. This was something that could not wait, she had to take care of right away no matter how much she just wanted to close her eyes and finally fall asleep after so many long and sleepless nights.
Again she would do what she knew she must, and put their best interests above the need she felt in this moment to simply lock herself away from everyone in the world, even if only just for a little while.
She was comforted by reminding herself again that the people she would be speaking with from here on out would only be those who served alongside her; the crew of the ship she so loved.
As she buckled her belt and pulled on a fresh pair of boots, she wondered how Keiran was faring right now.
He had stayed down below on the planet awhile longer, saying that he needed time still to talk with Gira and Gem. He was trying to build a fragile footpath between mother and daughter; one that may one day become strong enough to call a bridge, but not today. Maybe not for years to come.
Maybe it would never be strong enough to sustain any lasting connection between them. Still, Keiran was adamant that he must try.
Liis didn't envy Gira's position, and could only imagine the pressure of having a mother who was someone like Gem Lassiter.
Liis stared absently into the mirror, not really seeing her reflection at all as her thoughts returned to her own conversation with Lassiter today. It had finally happened after the official service had ended and it had been short and to the point.
She struggled to keep a hold of her powers of concentration, her thoughts clearly conflicted and split. They were unevenly divided between the exchange with Lassiter and something else that she’d much rather think of instead, as she also recalled the nearly wordless but much more meaningful conversation she and Keiran had shared before the day really began.
-=Hours Earlier=-
"Zanh Liis."
Liis heard the familiar voice just over her shoulder, and bristled. This was the moment she'd been dreading.
She turned around slowly and she watched as Lassiter approached, Keiran towering behind her. Liis' eyes immediately darted up toward those of her husband and his expression reminded her without a word that he was certain things were going to be all right.
He had done all he could to assure her of that in the early morning hours of this day already, when neither of them had been able to sleep.
She'd been pouring over notes for her speech, writing, rewriting then writing again from scratch but never being satisfied with her work. She was trying desperately to figure out how the hell you're supposed to eulogize someone you didn't know well, let alone more than eight hundred people whom you never had a chance to even introduce yourself to.
She had really begun to worry about Keiran, knowing that he hadn't intended to be gone so long and knowing something serious must've come up to prevent him from making it back from the planet by now. She later found that he’d ended up taking a walk; a walk that lasted until the sun was already beginning to cast the first, colorless traces of light upon the gently sleeping world.
The moment he walked in the door, it only took a glance at the look on his face to tell her she should not ask him what was wrong.
One look into her eyes told him that at this moment, everything in her universe felt wrong.
She tossed the PADD with her ten-times revised notes aside and simply stood up from the table she was sitting at, in their temporary shipboard quarters. All of their belongings were still down on the planet, in their house, as she still hadn't made up her mind completely if she was meant to return even after all that had been said.
Without a sound she opened her arms to him. They found solace in the silence that language, clumsy and awkward as it could be at times like this, could never give.
He grasped her tightly against him, afraid that she'd slip away again if he opened his eyes. It had happened so many times before, and talking to Gem about her own deeply felt loss brought it all back to him. Still, as frightened as he was, when she spoke softly at last simply asking him if he was going to be all right, he found the ability to speak had silently returned.
"As long as you're here, I am." He whispered, gently touching her face. "And as long as we're here. Liis," he continued, never having intended to try to influence her so directly, but knowing that they were needed here, and both wanting and needing to be certain that she knew it too. He knew what a powerful force doubt could be, and he couldn't allow it to creep up on her now when she needed to be clear of mind to decide the course of the rest of her life. "Ireland will still be there when-"
She’d stopped him from speaking with a kiss, a simple gesture which said so much but nothing more so than ‘I’m here with you’. Then as she released his lips she’d nodded, acknowledging what he’d said. "But, Lassiter,"
"Won't be givin' ya any more trouble.” Keiran had assured her, his eyes speaking of his certainty about this in the way words never could. “She's already signed the order dismissin' yer resignation. Will took care of ev'ra'thin'."
Liis made a mental note to thank Lindsay later as she began to wonder just what the man had done for her.
When she'd asked Keiran what she should expect when she spoke with Lassiter today since she'd been out for blood the last time they'd spoken, he could only shake his head sadly. "Expect to see her as you've not seen her before," he had answered gravely, "nor likely will ever again."
It was that warning from Keiran that rang in her head now as Gem approached, and it saddened Liis to see that he'd been so right.
The woman was definitely different. She seemed in this moment so much less herself than Liis had ever seen her. She wondered if it was seeing her for the first time dressed simply in civilian clothing that made her seem so much less intimidating. But she’d dismissed that possibility; it was so much more than that. This was a woman in pain, and Liis couldn't help but feel sympathy for her even though Lassiter had used that pain to lash out at Liis herself.
Now that everything had been put right, what Gem had done just didn't seem to matter much to Liis anymore.
"Zanh Liis, I am never a woman to try to shift responsibility when I've done something wrong." Lassiter declared openly, not caring who was standing by, in fact, not even noticing that anyone was. William had already left the building; and so there was no one here that Lassiter cared at all about impressing, or instilling fear in, today. "I was wrong, and I apologize. I hope that we can put all of it behind us now that you've been restored to your rightful place in The Alchemy Project."
Liis had been more than willing to do so on her own behalf since no lasting harm had come to her or her crew. But on behalf of that crew, especially Lair, Cristiane, and Dengar, Liis had a little bit harder time forgiving and forgetting.
It was only because the first two seemed to have made their peace with the situation already, knowing that they wouldn't be leaving the ship or their jobs and the latter never knew that his job was ever in jeopardy at all that she found she was able to nod to Lassiter, or at least this version of Gem Lassiter that she’d never known before, in the affirmative.
"I do as well. You've so many more important things to worry about right now," Liis replied, leaning forward toward Gem so only she could hear what she would say next. "Like getting well. You must remember, you've had a very serious surgery recently, Admiral. You must give yourself time to heal."
Liis’ tone added the sentiment 'in so many more ways than one', and Gem felt something ache inside of her chest, though it was not physical pain which was making her suffer now. She couldn't believe that she still had a heart in her chest at all, let alone one that was still functioning enough to keep her alive.
"Yes. Well." Gem cast a quick unreadable glance at her daughter, standing across the room, talking with Dane. "Keep an eye on that one." Gem then jerked a thumb in the direction of Cristiane, to leave no doubt who she meant. Keiran stepped forward to answer before Liis had the chance to.
"Believe me, Gem, am keepin' both my eyes on 'that one'." He’d assured, and it seemed Gem found this satisfactory.
"Very well. If there's nothing else, I really should head over to the reception. I must be seen there before I can finally go home." Gem concluded, and she nodded in turn, first to Liis, then to Keiran. "Take good care of your crew, Zanh Liis.” She advised. Then, realizing there was one person of whom with all she trusted to him now she’d have to make a special mention, she added, “that includes my old friend O'Sullivan here."
"I will." Liis answered, before she watched as Gem wandered quietly away.
With Lassiter finally out of ear’s range Liis looked at Keiran with her eyes widely opened. "To say that she's different was a monumental understatement." She whispered and watched intently for a response as Keiran opened his mouth but stopped before the words left his lips.
It was so easy for a wife to know that he’d changed what he'd first thought to say, and Liis also knew that when he did that, he had a very good reason. So she didn't press him on it when he responded simply with what was almost not an answer and was spoken with a hidden concern.
"She'll be back to her old self soon. You'll see."
-=/\=-
Liis wondered, as she moved now through the halls of the Sera and towards the Afterthought, just how long it would take before some of the rest of her crew began to return to being the people they'd been before.
When she arrived she first took note of Rada Dengar, newly released from Sickbay, as he sat in the corner across a table from Lair Kellyn.
Liis watched quietly from the background as the two colleagues and friends talked, and for an instant, he almost appeared just as he had been before everything had gone so terribly wrong. Before everything, for him, had changed.
Still, appearances could certainly deceive and Liis knew better than most that was what she was looking at now. It was merely a pleasant deception belying a much deeper and much crueler, underlying struggle within. She’d seen others fight this same fight before and indeed, waged such war herself. Eventually, if you just watched closely enough, every person engaged in the same continual battle would begin to show some signs they were losing it.
Lt. Commander Rada Dengar
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
and
-=/\=- Zanh Liis O’Sullivan
Commanding Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
and
-=/\=- Zanh Liis O’Sullivan
Commanding Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012