by Rada Dengar and Zanh Liis
90827.22
…continued from Part One
-=The Afterthought Café, USS Serendipity=-
90827.22
…continued from Part One
-=The Afterthought Café, USS Serendipity=-
No one came out of memory resequencing, especially their first memory resequencing, without feeling like they'd lost something but just couldn't fathom what that something was.
She'd heard stories and in fact even seen firsthand TI agents who would insist that they'd lost their compass again and again. Or that they’d misplaced some other piece of important technology they needed for their job only to see them come to the bitter realization later that it wasn't they'd lost the tools of their trade but they'd lost someone or something much more vital than that.
Most of the time it turned out that they'd simply lost themselves.
Liis had walked that road. She remembered waking up in a haze more than once, being made to name off lists of people she remembered.
She recalled times when she was shown images on a screen of people that she could have sworn she had never seen in her life and yet still somehow believed deep down that she'd known well. One of those people, she realized only when the Sylph had intervened, was Keiran.
It was a singular, and singularly destructive process that cost you another share of your soul, every time you went through it.
For Rada, Liis believed it could be even worse than for most. He wouldn’t understand what was happening to him. He’d be frightened of what it was, frightened of what he’d lost and even more frightened of someone finding out about it and trying to take away what he still had.
If there was one thing Liis knew about him it was that Rada didn’t easily share his fears and when it came to something as indefinable as what he must now be feeling he’d have to face it alone. Maybe once he’d have shared it with Wren but he couldn’t do that now.
Liis could only console herself with the knowledge that in Dengar's case, it was never supposed to be something he'd have to go through again.
Watching Lair now, Liis immediately recognized that the casually cautious expression on Lair's face was masking a deep concern beneath. Liis had known Kellyn long enough to recognize the signs of worry when she saw it.
She knew in the moment that her thoughts were little different from Lair's own, even as Lair showed Rada some schematics on a PADD for proposed upgrades to the Alchemy and his eyes lit up at the prospect of getting back to the work he loved.
Yes, Liis thought, she knew exactly what Lair was worrying about, as both women wondered if Rada could ever truly be the same or if the Rada Dengar they had known was now a man who would live on only in their memory.
Zanh's eyes finally left the pair as they chatted enthusiastically, and were drawn now toward the counter where coffee was served or more specifically, to the face of the woman standing behind it.
This woman, Liis feared, would never be the same.
Wren's hands were shaking as she prepared the order for that particular table in the corner. As she set the Cappuccino with two sugars down onto the tray the cup slipped, sloshing hot liquid from it onto her fingers. She didn't even react to the pain. She simply wiped up the spill and then placed Kellyn's mocha latte on the tray beside Rada's coffee.
Her hands were still trembling as she attempted to lift the heavy tray and Zanh Liis reached out, gently stopping her from proceeding out of fear that Wren would drop the lot and seriously injury herself even if she wouldn’t immediately know it. “Please. Allow me."
"Captain," she began without feeling.
"Go home, Wren.” Zanh insisted. “Someone will have to cover for you. You…" Zanh stopped to think what to suggest, realizing that Wren probably wanted to work right now as a distraction, but that this sure as hell wasn't where she should be. If nothing else she should be with her son; comforting and being also comforted by him.
"I wish I could." Wren replied weakly, not having meant to say the words aloud and not even needing to wonder if Liis had known what they’d meant.
Zanh didn’t need to respond. She just moved behind the counter, took a cup from the shelf and poured herself some coffee. She then set it on the loaded tray before picking it up.
"Maybe a trip down to the planet. Get some real fresh air, you and Tam, both." Liis suggested but it was clear even before Wren shrugged her shoulders that she had no great interest in the prospect.
It was obvious to all that could see into the numbed pain in Wren’s eyes that nowhere Liis could have suggested would have appealed to the Betazoid right now. It seemed Wren was as aware of this as anyone.
"No matter where I go, it won't matter. He won't be with me." Wren concluded sadly, speaking quietly as to be honest only with Liis because she could sense the Bajoran did understand what she was going through.
Wren knew there was no reason to further punish herself by remaining here. Pride could be a powerful force but she had enough insight into the people around her to know they’d think no less if she were to leave now. Finally she untied her apron, hanging it on the hook on the wall and disappearing into the kitchen to go out the back exit.
Regardless of how inconspicuous she had tried to be, Rada had still glanced over at the woman behind the counter and observed her for a moment with confusion once again.
"Is something wrong? Are you all right?" Kellyn asked nervously, her mind filling with possibilities of what he could be thinking.
"I’m fine. It's just...it’s that girl. I can’t quite understand it. She is so uncomfortable around me. I don’t know why but it’s like she’d nervous or frightened. I mean I do tend to have that effect on Betazoids, but with this one it’s more than that.” Rada explained, intentionally avoiding sharing with Kellyn how he found his reaction to the woman just as perplexing as hers to him. “I know I must have done something to offend her. I just wish I knew what it was so that I could make amends somehow.”
Rada had no way to understand why Kellyn would get the look in her eyes she had at that moment; and no chance to ponder it as a familiar voice interrupted his thoughts.
"It's nothing you've done, Rada, and," Liis approached the table with the tray and set it down. "It's nothing for you to worry about right now."
"Captain," Rada said, slightly startled, as he rose from his chair in greeting unsure of what he should or shouldn’t say. "Is it still Captain? I'd been told,"
"It is." Zanh simply replied, as everyone in the room but Rada knew she was studying his reactions.
Rada nodded but said nothing and the silence between the three of them was perhaps allowed to go on for too long. Suddenly, Lair felt her level of discomfort rise above what she felt able to handle at the moment, she noted she was the only one seated and felt so very out of place, and so she stood from her chair too.
"Rada, Captain. If you'll excuse me, I have to be going now. I want to run another series of tests on those numbers.” Kellyn made the best excuse she could. “I should check the figures once more before we begin fabrication of the parts we'll need."
"If you want any help, please let me know." Rada replied politely, for the man was nothing if not always polite.
"I will.” Kellyn answered, trying her best to appear as relaxed while speaking to her friend as she always would have done before. “Just don't work too hard."
Rada smiled but it was clear he knew something was wrong.
Kellyn decided she’d not allow any more opportunities for that she happen.
She nodded to him then to Zanh once more before discreetly slipping away and hoping Rada didn’t pick up on the fact that she’d left her coffee behind.
With Lair gone, Liis turned the chair that Kellyn had been sitting in around and straddled it. Rada just quietly watched, unsure why she was sitting here as Liis picked up her coffee and took a sip.
She was trying desperately to make the conversation seem casual as she asked what she believed to be the single most dangerous question anyone could ever ask someone who had just been resequenced but the only one she felt she should. "How are you feeling, Rada?”
Rada looked confused by the question, which, even though he didn’t understand the implications as Liis did was still one he’d learnt never to take at face value. No one ever sought you out just to ask how you were feeling unless they suspected the answer wouldn’t necessarily be a good one.
“I’m fine, Captain.” He quickly assured her, feeling the weight of all eyes in the room upon him as people failed miserably in their attempts to be subtle.
Immediately he got the feeling that he’d answered the Captain too fast.
“Don’t get me wrong, I know I was in a coma and it’s not that I don’t take that seriously. It’s just that I do believe I’m doing well.” He added what he hoped wasn’t too swiftly.
*Doing well?* Liis repeated his words to herself; they could mean so many different things at so many different times and she doubted Rada meant any of them now. He seemed nervous, a little more so than was usual even for him, and certainly more so than the engineer surrounded by equations who’d demanded she just give him some more time to do what he must.
“So then you feel you’re recovering just as you should?” She pressed on, taking another sip from her drink. He had no way of knowing just how much of a test this question was; Liis knew his recovery shouldn’t feel like he’d believe it should.
“Just as the doctor tells me I should be.” Rada answered, considering shrugging his shoulders but instead taking a sip from his own drink so as to appear nonchalant.
Now Liis knew he was holding something back. Whether it was a matter of a gaping void he felt in his identity or just a sore leg she couldn’t yet tell, but it was important to her not just as once again the Captain of this ship but as someone who cared about the Angosian to figure it out.
“Dr. Hartcort tells me that there could be some memory loss.” Liis added, hoping to prompt Rada to open up. When he just nodded that he was aware of this rather than answering Liis knew more prompting would be required. “Has there been?”
“Well,” Rada started, pretending to have to think about it as if he hadn’t been doing exactly that ever since he’d awoken “I still can’t remember the accident.”
Liis said nothing, just tipping the cup to her lips again and drinking as a sign that she was listening and that he should be talking.
“They told me that I was injured when a faulty conduit overloaded, but the last thing I remember before waking up in sickbay was going to bed in my quarters.” He explained, quickly justifying. “I’m told that’s not unusual in the event of severe injury, especially head trauma.” Unhappy with this topic, he immediately tried to steer the conversation in a different direction, switching to a more jovial tone.
“Speaking of head trauma, it’s a funny thing and I suppose it’s one of the advantages of a lengthy coma. By the time I woke up my head didn’t even hurt anymore. Maybe we should recommend a coma to everyone with a headache.”
Liis weakly smiled to acknowledge the joke, not that she really felt like smiling as she watched him clearly confused about what was happening to him. Still, she wouldn’t let him switch tracks that easily. “Anything else?” she asked, taking another drink from the rapidly emptying coffee before her.
“Well, Captain…” Rada said, pretending he really had to strain to think about it before finishing with a smile. “If there is anything I’ve forgotten then I’m afraid I just can’t remember it.”
“Good.” If he was telling the truth then it certainly would be a good thing, sometimes the best you can hope for after resequencing is a chance for denial. When the fragments of memories are always there then you always know something’s missing and so you have no such ability. “Then you feel you’re ready to jump back into your work?”
“Yes, I am Captain.” Rada replied with all of the confidence that he could find and Liis was surer than ever before that he had no intention of sharing what it was that was clearly bothering him.
She also heard something else in his words, it wasn’t just that he’d said ‘I am’ and not ‘I do’ as if it wasn’t just a feeling but a certainty, she genuinely believed hearing him that he did feel he could safely return to work. At the very least this answered the official question that she had to have answers to for the good of the ship, even if her questions grown from her concern for Rada were still far from being resolved.
They were mostly questions which she knew would not be answered today because many had answers Rada didn’t yet have and which only time could give to him.
“I’m glad to hear it, Danger.” She said with a nod and a much more reassuring smile, hiding well just how much it was that she hated all of this.
She hated knowing he was lying to her, if about nothing else than exaggerating how good he was feeling and she hated even more that there was nothing she could do about it without exposing the lies she had to tell him herself.
She could read the relief in him as she gave her unofficial approval of his return to duty, far more relief than a man who didn’t believe his job was in jeopardy. Then of course that was always how it felt when you could sense there were things you’d forgotten.
It wasn’t just that you didn’t know them, it was that you felt like everyone but you knew just what you didn’t; just what you’d lost.
It could cause even most self-confident of men to doubt, and worry weighed heavily on Zanh Liis about the lasting effects it could have on a man like Rada Dengar.
Lt. Commander Rada Dengar
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
and
-=/\=- Zanh Liis O’Sullivan
Commanding Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
and
-=/\=- Zanh Liis O’Sullivan
Commanding Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012