Confession
by Lt. February Grace
71219.19
--=Sickbay, USS Alchemy=--
by Lt. February Grace
71219.19
--=Sickbay, USS Alchemy=--
The closer Bru got to her destination, the slower her steps became.
They halted completely just outside of Sickbay, and she asked herself for the twentieth time if she was doing the right thing, coming here.
She gathered her courage and remembered the words of TC Blane, paraphrasing them aloud. "Hope is the parent of faith, and hope is what Jariel needs."
She hoped to heaven that he was right, and plunged in head first.
The doors parted as she stepped closer. A few stray wisps of hair blew into her face from their motion, having come loose from the French braid she had taken to wearing while on duty. She brushed them back and out of her eyes, straightened her posture, and marched inside.
February found Jariel hovering over the stasis chamber. He kept touching the lid, then stepping back. It seemed as though he was fighting the urge to open it up, so he could reach the woman inside and somehow, shake her awake.
Her mind replayed their last discussion, and she reminded herself that even if her attempts at conversation were clumsy, they would be better than silence born of not being willing to risk saying anything at all.
*Grace, you better think fast and come up with something profound, because I'm in way over my head here.*
The EMH was distracted for the moment, communicating with the Central Assembly run hospital on Bajor, apprising the surgeons of Liis' situation so that they could tend to her without delay as soon as the Alchemy was within transporter range.
Jariel was so lost in thought that he didn't hear her steps as she came near.
"How is Captain Zanh?" February asked, not knowing how else to begin.
[[She is,]] Jariel finally looked over toward her. He had reverted to speaking in signs, too emotionally exhausted to use his voice. [[sleeping.]] He turned away again, never having made eye contact.
February knew that Zanh was in a far more precarious state than just sleep. She also knew that this was the only way the Vedek could bear to see her this way. By affixing that more tolerable label to her condition.
Bru put a hand on his shoulder as he resumed staring through the dome intently, as though nothing else in the galaxy existed.
"It's not your fault."
Jariel startled at her words.
[[I thought that your telepathic link only worked with Reece.]]
"Telepathy has nothing to do with it. It's written all over your face. Jariel," she tried to rotate him back toward her, but he didn't want to turn. "Look at me."
For some reason this young Trill, barely more than a girl, cut through decades of training in how to maintain distance from those you would minister to, or work with in any other fashion.
Like counselors, Vedeks were taught the importance of keeping a safe and mindful distance, to remain objective and balanced within their own Pagh. This allowed them to do their job, but prevented their own problems from ever showing through to those they served.
Jariel had always been a man who wore his heart on his sleeve, however, and he just couldn't seem to keep up that facade where February was concerned.
Maybe it was the old soul that dwelled within her. Maybe it was her sweet, honest face. Whatever the reason, it seemed she could stare through his artifice easily and instantly with merely a glance from those round, steel blue eyes.
"Talk to me," she implored him softly, "I want to help, if I can."
[[I don't think anyone can.]] He threw his hands upward in a helpless gesture. [[She's slipping away and I can't stop it. I can't save her.]]
"We're almost to Bajor. Just a little while longer, and she'll be getting the care she needs. Until then, she sleeps peacefully." February ran her hand along the side of the chamber. "Maybe she's dreaming. Of happier times. Of you."
Jariel's stance began to waver, his weight tilting back and forth from side to side. February instinctively wrapped an arm around him and guided him to the nearest chair. He was hyperventilating.
"You have to remember to breathe-"
"I keep thinking," he blurted, resuming audible speech between short breaths, "that if I had just been in that staff meeting,"
"You cannot blame yourself," February knelt beside the chair and looked up at him.
[[I blame myself for so many things,]] he confessed. He stared blankly through her, tortured by apparitions from the past that only he could see.
[[So many times, I put the Prophets ahead of her, and I knew it,]] he cursed himself internally. [[I knew what I was doing, February. There Liis was, flesh and blood right in front of me and all she wanted to do was love me. But I was blind. I thought that I was humbly following the path of faith in doing what the Prophets wanted,]] Jariel shook his head. [[But I was arrogant. I believed them when they told me that I had work to do for them. That it had to be me, no one else.]] His eyes closed a moment. [[I'm not important. It could have been anyone else.]]
He continued berating himself, and it broke Bru's heart to see it. She held her comments back for the moment, however, not wanting to interrupt him before he was finished.
[[I sacrificed her happiness a hundred times over to follow a course that I don't even understand anymore. So many times, she trusted me with her heart, and I broke it. It never stopped her from offering it again. How could I have been so reckless? I hurt her. What if I never get to make it up to her?]]
"You never meant to hurt her, Jariel. You thought it was all for the best, for everyone. You were told that what you wanted didn't matter." February spoke with authority. Even though he had never said as much to her before, she knew it to be true.
She knew, because she had been told the same things many times when it came to the sacrifices she had made to become an Initiate.
She considered carefully the words that had been drilled into her head as a child. 'Higher purpose.' 'Duty'. 'Honor.' All meaningful words that became daggers when twisted; when those speaking them employed guilt as their chief motivational tool. When misapplied in that way, they lost all true meaning and failed to bring any comfort at the end of a long lonely day.
Days that blended together, and always seemed to lead into even longer, lonelier nights.
"When we are told from childhood that we have no value, except as part of something bigger than ourselves," she whispered, "it's easy to lose sight of the fact that we also have needs, and wants, and rights as individual, living beings. We have rights, Jariel." She squeezed his hands again.
"You have the right to love Zanh Liis, and to be with her if that is what you need. If the Prophets want exclusive ownership of someone to do their bidding, then they're just going to have to go find somebody else. You've given them decades of your life without question. When do you get what you want?"
"I wish they would find someone else," Jariel answered honestly. "For the first time in my life, I really wish that they would."
"You're sure of this? Regardless of the consequences?"
Jariel stood, walked back over to Liis, and drew his fingertips slowly across the dome of the stasis chamber. "What consequence could be worse than this? I would take her place in an instant if I could, damn the consequences."
February took up a position at his side once again. "You told me, not very long ago, in fact, that there would be repercussions from my actions if I Reassociated with Reece. And I told you that I felt it was worth it. Do you remember how worried you were about me?"
"I haven't stopped worrying."
"Well, I have news for you. I'm worried about you, too. What is going to happen to you if you continue on feeling torn in two this way? You have given your entire life to the service of others, Jariel Camen. But what do you want, really? What is it that matters to you more than anything else at this point in your life? Are you so confused that it's difficult to know?"
They halted completely just outside of Sickbay, and she asked herself for the twentieth time if she was doing the right thing, coming here.
She gathered her courage and remembered the words of TC Blane, paraphrasing them aloud. "Hope is the parent of faith, and hope is what Jariel needs."
She hoped to heaven that he was right, and plunged in head first.
The doors parted as she stepped closer. A few stray wisps of hair blew into her face from their motion, having come loose from the French braid she had taken to wearing while on duty. She brushed them back and out of her eyes, straightened her posture, and marched inside.
February found Jariel hovering over the stasis chamber. He kept touching the lid, then stepping back. It seemed as though he was fighting the urge to open it up, so he could reach the woman inside and somehow, shake her awake.
Her mind replayed their last discussion, and she reminded herself that even if her attempts at conversation were clumsy, they would be better than silence born of not being willing to risk saying anything at all.
*Grace, you better think fast and come up with something profound, because I'm in way over my head here.*
The EMH was distracted for the moment, communicating with the Central Assembly run hospital on Bajor, apprising the surgeons of Liis' situation so that they could tend to her without delay as soon as the Alchemy was within transporter range.
Jariel was so lost in thought that he didn't hear her steps as she came near.
"How is Captain Zanh?" February asked, not knowing how else to begin.
[[She is,]] Jariel finally looked over toward her. He had reverted to speaking in signs, too emotionally exhausted to use his voice. [[sleeping.]] He turned away again, never having made eye contact.
February knew that Zanh was in a far more precarious state than just sleep. She also knew that this was the only way the Vedek could bear to see her this way. By affixing that more tolerable label to her condition.
Bru put a hand on his shoulder as he resumed staring through the dome intently, as though nothing else in the galaxy existed.
"It's not your fault."
Jariel startled at her words.
[[I thought that your telepathic link only worked with Reece.]]
"Telepathy has nothing to do with it. It's written all over your face. Jariel," she tried to rotate him back toward her, but he didn't want to turn. "Look at me."
For some reason this young Trill, barely more than a girl, cut through decades of training in how to maintain distance from those you would minister to, or work with in any other fashion.
Like counselors, Vedeks were taught the importance of keeping a safe and mindful distance, to remain objective and balanced within their own Pagh. This allowed them to do their job, but prevented their own problems from ever showing through to those they served.
Jariel had always been a man who wore his heart on his sleeve, however, and he just couldn't seem to keep up that facade where February was concerned.
Maybe it was the old soul that dwelled within her. Maybe it was her sweet, honest face. Whatever the reason, it seemed she could stare through his artifice easily and instantly with merely a glance from those round, steel blue eyes.
"Talk to me," she implored him softly, "I want to help, if I can."
[[I don't think anyone can.]] He threw his hands upward in a helpless gesture. [[She's slipping away and I can't stop it. I can't save her.]]
"We're almost to Bajor. Just a little while longer, and she'll be getting the care she needs. Until then, she sleeps peacefully." February ran her hand along the side of the chamber. "Maybe she's dreaming. Of happier times. Of you."
Jariel's stance began to waver, his weight tilting back and forth from side to side. February instinctively wrapped an arm around him and guided him to the nearest chair. He was hyperventilating.
"You have to remember to breathe-"
"I keep thinking," he blurted, resuming audible speech between short breaths, "that if I had just been in that staff meeting,"
"You cannot blame yourself," February knelt beside the chair and looked up at him.
[[I blame myself for so many things,]] he confessed. He stared blankly through her, tortured by apparitions from the past that only he could see.
[[So many times, I put the Prophets ahead of her, and I knew it,]] he cursed himself internally. [[I knew what I was doing, February. There Liis was, flesh and blood right in front of me and all she wanted to do was love me. But I was blind. I thought that I was humbly following the path of faith in doing what the Prophets wanted,]] Jariel shook his head. [[But I was arrogant. I believed them when they told me that I had work to do for them. That it had to be me, no one else.]] His eyes closed a moment. [[I'm not important. It could have been anyone else.]]
He continued berating himself, and it broke Bru's heart to see it. She held her comments back for the moment, however, not wanting to interrupt him before he was finished.
[[I sacrificed her happiness a hundred times over to follow a course that I don't even understand anymore. So many times, she trusted me with her heart, and I broke it. It never stopped her from offering it again. How could I have been so reckless? I hurt her. What if I never get to make it up to her?]]
"You never meant to hurt her, Jariel. You thought it was all for the best, for everyone. You were told that what you wanted didn't matter." February spoke with authority. Even though he had never said as much to her before, she knew it to be true.
She knew, because she had been told the same things many times when it came to the sacrifices she had made to become an Initiate.
She considered carefully the words that had been drilled into her head as a child. 'Higher purpose.' 'Duty'. 'Honor.' All meaningful words that became daggers when twisted; when those speaking them employed guilt as their chief motivational tool. When misapplied in that way, they lost all true meaning and failed to bring any comfort at the end of a long lonely day.
Days that blended together, and always seemed to lead into even longer, lonelier nights.
"When we are told from childhood that we have no value, except as part of something bigger than ourselves," she whispered, "it's easy to lose sight of the fact that we also have needs, and wants, and rights as individual, living beings. We have rights, Jariel." She squeezed his hands again.
"You have the right to love Zanh Liis, and to be with her if that is what you need. If the Prophets want exclusive ownership of someone to do their bidding, then they're just going to have to go find somebody else. You've given them decades of your life without question. When do you get what you want?"
"I wish they would find someone else," Jariel answered honestly. "For the first time in my life, I really wish that they would."
"You're sure of this? Regardless of the consequences?"
Jariel stood, walked back over to Liis, and drew his fingertips slowly across the dome of the stasis chamber. "What consequence could be worse than this? I would take her place in an instant if I could, damn the consequences."
February took up a position at his side once again. "You told me, not very long ago, in fact, that there would be repercussions from my actions if I Reassociated with Reece. And I told you that I felt it was worth it. Do you remember how worried you were about me?"
"I haven't stopped worrying."
"Well, I have news for you. I'm worried about you, too. What is going to happen to you if you continue on feeling torn in two this way? You have given your entire life to the service of others, Jariel Camen. But what do you want, really? What is it that matters to you more than anything else at this point in your life? Are you so confused that it's difficult to know?"
Lt. February Grace
Helm/Flight Controller
USS Alchemy NX-53099
Helm/Flight Controller
USS Alchemy NX-53099