746: Nothing Important

by Rada Dengar
90116.2330
After Once Around the Block

-=Deck 3; USS Serendipity=-

It had been a long day for Rada. His knees ached from too long spent standing still and his feet ached from too long spent walking. With a sigh, a futile attempt to force out frustration he couldn’t quite explain, he walked in through door. The quarters he shared with Wren were of course a mess as she always left them, everything clean enough that he couldn’t complain but nothing as straight as he’d like it. Most nights he took it in as part of her charm, but this didn’t feel like most nights. Still, he knew that it had no reason to bother him and so he would make sure he didn’t complain. It was the frustration that was bothering him.

She met him at the door; it seemed she’d felt him coming. Her eyes reflected her concern but she didn’t have a chance to question before Tam ran up screaming with arms extended for a hug “Dad, you’re back!” This was definitely his Betazoid side.

Rada visible stiffened as the noise seemed to cut into him, it can do that when you’re tired, and even though Rada was glad to see him Tam could sense that there was something wrong. He stopped in his tracks and looked up with curiosity at Rada who fought to hide how he was feeling. Tam was distracted as something caught his eye.

“Hey, you got promoted!” he said, pointing to Rada’s new pip.

“That’s right,” Rada's tone was less enthusiastic than it should be but Tam didn’t seem to notice. “You’re now looking at Lt. Commander Rada Dengar.” The child was beaming with pride.

“Congratulations,” Wren said warmly, although she could see he wasn’t accepting it, he seemed to be in one of those moods when he’s mostly in his own head. She lightly touched his arm and kissed him. After a slight delay he kissed her back, but his heart wasn’t it.

Given the time, they sat down to eat immediately. Rada smiled meekly as he accepted his food, spaghetti bolognaise; Tam’s favourite. The meal was pleasant although Wren noted Rada wasn’t really there, as he just smiled and nodded. He seemed to be staring at Tam a lot.

The meal lasted a lot longer than it normally would have as Tam regaled them with every piece of information he’d picked up since Rada had been gone; with Vulcan hearing and Betazoid senses he was able to pick up a lot. To his credit Rada was politely able to seem to be paying attention.

Several minutes after Wren and Rada were finished eating, Tam was too and so he excused himself to resume a simple logic puzzle he’d been working on before Rada got home. That was his Vulcan side.

Wren collected the plates and noted how much Rada seemed to be distracted as he barely noticed her taking his bowl away from beneath him. Placing their bowls in the replicator she debated with herself.

She could see Rada wasn’t in the mood to discuss whatever it was, but at the same time she couldn’t just let it go. She decided she had to go with her instinct. Gently touching his shoulder, she slightly woke him from his daze. He turned to look up at her standing next to his chair.

“Thank you; that was lovely,” he blurted out, although he’d barely tasted the meal.

“I know something’s bothering you,” she said firmly, taking the seat next to him. “You’ve been keeping your mind closed to me all night. You don’t normally do that anymore unless you have something to keep secret.”

“I’ve been thinking,” Rada said, his voice unemotional.

“That’s never a good sign,” she commented jokingly, trying to raise the mood but failing.

Rada sighed, it was an awkward question to ask but one he had to.

“How safe do you really feel with me?”

“I know you’d never hurt me. Why would you even ask that?” she asked with concern, taking hold of his hand.

“No, no.” Rada shook his head with frustration. “I mean, do I make you feel safe? Like no one can hurt you when I’m around?”

“Well, of course I do,” she wasn’t sure she did feel completely safe, but Rada needed reassurance right now.

“Why?” Rada asked, almost bitterly.

“Because I know you’ll take care of me.” She said immediately, this she was sure of even if she wasn’t used to it “What’s started all this?”

There was no denying what started Rada thinking about this. “Tolleth died. The doctor just couldn’t fix him. That’s when I started thinking about it.”

“Who’s Tolleth?” Wren asked. She could judge by Rada’s eyes that this Tolleth had a large impact on him and could do nothing to help without knowing who he was.

“He’s me, or at least my Romulan equivalent.” Rada said, doing his best to elaborate but not feeling like saying much. He wasn’t looking at her now.

“He was the Romulans’ Chief Engineer?” she asked, not seeing where this all fit together.

“Yes, he was,” said Rada, not sounding like he was done, “but I realised after he’d gone that there were many more similarities than just that. He tried to blow up the Romulan ship but couldn’t do it. He tried to escape but couldn’t. He was all talk, just like me.”

Rada was on that Romulan ship and hadn’t even mentioned it to her. He could well have died and she was terrified in retrospect about it. Her tone was kind but her words were firm

“No, you are much more than just talk. You have never broken a promise to anyone in your life.” Her eyes pleaded with him to realise it. He felt like answering ‘not yet’ but found silence a bit more comfortable. Wren wasn’t going to accept this, even without reading his thoughts she put the pieces together and knew what was bothering Rada “You tried to stop this Tolleth, didn’t you? But you couldn’t do it without using violence.”

She knew him too well. He sighed with frustration again, twisting his hands and pretending to be examining them as he asked the question he didn’t really expect an answer to. “I wanted to do it. I definitely had enough reason to do it. Why couldn’t I?”

Wren wished she could give him the answer but knew she couldn’t, she turned her head to the side trying to look him in the eye “I can’t tell you the exact reason for it. Violence is unnatural to Angosians and to you especially. Perhaps this block is something to do with what discovery of violence did to your father. Ultimately though it wouldn’t exist unless on some level you wanted it to, and there’s only one reason for that.”

“Yeah, and why’s that?” Rada huffed, looking up to meet her eye.

“Because you’re a good person,” she replied softly, taking hold of him by his shoulder.

“I really hate that about myself sometimes,” Rada droned apathetically.

“Well, perhaps that’s what I’m here for.” She suggested with a smile “I like it about you.” He clearly didn’t believe her, and the smile left her.

He thought she surely wanted a protector more than she did a good conversation. She wasn’t going to allow his misconception to stand.

She passionately argued, “Some men could kill a thousand to save a thousand and one and think nothing of it.” *Vulcan men especially,* she thought.

“Well, let me tell you I have no interest in that kind of a man. So, if that’s genuinely what you aspire to be then tell me now so I can start packing your stuff.” Her eyes were almost angry.

“Of course I don’t want to stop caring.” He said looking down again, struggling for the words, “I just want to start doing.”

“You want to start hurting people?” she asked with disbelief, she knew it wasn’t what he meant, but he needed to hear what he was saying.

“No,” Rada said, frustrated that she wasn’t understanding,

“You want to start killing?” she asked, with that same tone.

“Of course not.” Each word he spoke was punctuated with a quiet anger.

“Then what’s the problem?” she demanded with exasperation.

She noted a small tear in his eye, his words were breaking up.

“I just keep thinking; what if it had been Tam over there? You know, I just ignore this stuff normally thinking that the people who do this type of thing are a different breed. But Salvek is an Engineer just like me and when it came down to it, he was able to go over there and save Arie. If it were Tam then what would I have been able to do, just sit here?”

“No,” she said, no doubt what he’d have done. “You would have gone over there.”

“And done what?” Rada scoffed “Had a nice chat with the Romulans?”

“Yes,” she said bluntly. “That’s what you do.” She was not going to let him go on like this, a determined stare meeting his timid eyes.

“You throw a toffee in your mouth and have a chat. That’s what you did on Betazed. That what you always do, and generally no one gets hurt because of it.”

“What about when it doesn’t work?” Rada asked, seeing what she was trying to do but not buying it.

Now she scoffed. “The exact same thing that happens when people go in with phasers drawn and it doesn’t work, only your way's a little less bloody.” She put a hand on Rada’s face and made him look at her. “I’m serious Rada. I feel a lot safer knowing that you deal with things in your weird little way than I would any other. Surely you can understand that.”

“I suppose so,” Rada said, neither of them were convinced he did.

“I’m not lying to you Rada. You know you can trust me to be honest with you,” she insisted. Then she felt it, the slightest doubt as Rada’s eyes flickered in the direction of Tam’s bedroom.

Now she was angry. “It was seven years ago, Rada.”

“I know that.” Rada objected.

“You’re just not over it yet,” she viciously concluded.

“We’d been together a matter of weeks, Wren. We were happy. I’ve forgiven it, but I don’t understand it.” Rada explained.

“And you figure, I’d do it once I’d do it again?” she said, crossing her arms.

“No,” Rada desperately argued “I trust you now.”

“Why, Rada? What’s so different?” she asked, regretting it immediately. It was a question she didn’t think he’d be able to answer, she was sure she no different now, she just been hoping until now that he wouldn’t realise it.

“You’re here,” he didn’t even need to think about it. “When you first told me about all this I thought back and realised there was only one day it could have happened because there was only one night I was out of the tavern and you were in. It was the night of the day we agreed to make things exclusive. A sniff of commitment and you had to do something to prove to yourself you were still free.

"Now you’ve decided to stay here, on the same ship with me in the same quarters. I don’t know if it was spending so long alone that did it but you’ve changed, Wren.”

She hadn’t thought of it like that. She was still certain she was no different and was certainly not happy about the prospect that she could be. Rada continued. “I really do trust you now.”

She couldn’t argue, still ashamed of what she had done.

She stood up from the table and turned her back to him. “Then trust me when I say I don’t want you to change.”

“I’ll try,” Rada said, honestly intending to.

“Good,” Wren said, sounding angrier than she was. Rada stood up from the chair and tried to comfort her, but she pulled away as he tried to touch her. She didn’t understand why, she just did it.

Meekly poking his head through the door from his room Tam quietly asked “What are you two arguing about?”

Realising he would have been listening they were embarrassed not to have been quieter.

Walking over to the child Wren softly assured him it was, “Nothing important,” and ushered him back into his room. Though thinking about it now, she wasn’t sure it was.

Lt. Commander Rada Dengar
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Serendipity NCC 2012