by Rada Dengar and Lair Kellyn
090128.04
Immediately following Pavlov's Bell
Soundtrack: Beautiful Disaster by Jon McLaughlin
-=/\=-
-=Deck Eight, USS Serendipity=-
090128.04
Immediately following Pavlov's Bell
Soundtrack: Beautiful Disaster by Jon McLaughlin
-=/\=-
-=Deck Eight, USS Serendipity=-
Neither spoke a word during the lift ride, or until, in fact, they were seated on the swing beneath the gazebo in the center of the rose garden section of the Arboretum.
Kellyn waited until Rada was sitting and then launched the swing into motion, staring at the blur of the flowers off in the distance as they swung to and fro.
Rada neither assisted nor prevented Kellyn’s moving of the swing, he just sat next to her on it and watched, checking for signs of how well her recovery was going. She was moving freely enough and didn’t look to be in any real pain but Rada knew how deceiving appearances could be in that matter.
Knowing she was nothing if not honest, he realised it was probably best just to ask. "How are you feeling?"
She laughed softly, indicating that the question, though it seemed simple, was in fact exactly the opposite.
"Physically? I've felt worse." She didn't want to elaborate on any of the rest, not yet.
She had only just learned that Salvek had delayed the return of the team so that he could stay with Taris as she let go her hold on this life, and worse, that he had chosen to meld with her before she died.
How he could choose to do such a thing was incomprehensible to Kellyn, and she could clearly see the after-effects that the decision was causing, already. He had come home to her not the man he'd been when they'd said goodbye, before she left for Lethus. He was haunted, he was distant, and he was different.
She avoided Rada's next question before he could ask it, abruptly changing the course of their conversation. "I don't know how to thank you," she said softly, still staring straight ahead.
Rada was visibly uncomfortable at hearing this and shifted in his seat, turning his eyes away. “Then I’ll make it simple for you; you don’t have to," he said, with a definitive shake of his head and almost shame in his voice; not understanding why everyone wanted to thank him all of a sudden.
He could only assume that somewhere along the line, the facts of what he’d done had been distorted because he certainly didn’t feel he should be thanked for it. As he saw it, his real actions had been barely adequate and bare adequacy should be only occasionally accepted and never applauded.
Thanks to his inability, things could have gone very wrong down there. The mere fact that addition of his eventual small successes to the much greater deeds of others had meant they didn’t; couldn’t redeem him. His eyes were downcast as he felt the need to quietly stress the point. “I really didn’t do anything.”
Kellyn disagreed and was not about to let Rada go on believing this. Through the corner of her eye she watched him in silence until he finally turned again to face her. It was then she spoke; her words strong and leaving no doubt of their sincerity.
"You saved my life down there. Don't be modest about it now. I'm grateful to you, and so is my family."
Rada didn’t doubt she was grateful, merely that she should be. Kellyn was a good, supportive friend and it was natural that she should offer encouragement. Were that all this was, then he could have accepted it.
He respected Kellyn too much however to let her go on feeling gratitude that, as far as he was concerned, she shouldn’t. “I was the only engineer down there without a disruptor wound,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders that belied the sternness of his words. “So I just did what any engineer would do.”
It was clear that he really didn’t grasp what he did on Lethus IV. “You did a lot more than that down there, Rada. Believe me.”
It was then, seeing the sincerity in her eyes, that Rada realised that she wasn’t just referring to something she’d heard happened; she was remembering something she had experienced.
"How much," he asked gently, unsure exactly if he actually wanted to know. "How much do you remember, of Lethus?"
"Most of it is just impressions. Muddled. Hazy." Her expression was one of a person very lost in thought. "I think I owe Reece one hell of an apology."
"You were trying to protect him. He knows that. We all knew that."
"You were all protecting me and I don't think I was the most gracious patient in the history of medicine."
"You're alive, Kellyn. That's what matters."
"Still, there is one thing I remember very clearly, Rada," Kellyn confessed now, finally turning her head toward him. "I remember what you said to me."
Rada instantly tensed up and had to look away, staring with false fascination at a far off nothing. He’d thoroughly convinced himself that she wouldn’t have remembered what they’d spoken about, that given her state at the time it was impossible.
He’d shown her that small dark part of himself that he’d always been determined to keep hidden and only afterwards truly considered the implications. He was frightened what she might think of him now that her mind was clear and capable of truly grasping what he’d said. He had no idea that his willingness to make such a confession had brought nothing but a new and deeper respect from her, respect being something he’d never been much good at noticing.
"I remember what you said and you..." Kellyn shook her head, slowly raising large blue eyes up toward the 'sky' overhead. "You gave me a gift. You shared something of yourself and kept me focused on where I was, when all I wanted to do was close my eyes and go to sleep. Saying thank you sounds...so..." she sighed, fighting to find the words. "So incredibly stupid and insufficient but I am grateful so I don't know what else I can say. So, thank you."
Rada was at a loss for words as his body unfroze, his fear suddenly replaced by confusion as he tried to process what she’d said. There was silence for a time as his mind replayed their conversation, searching his words for what it seemed she’d heard him say. He couldn’t find it, at a point he couldn’t even look for it anymore.
His mind was ensnared by Kellyn’s own confession which took on a new meaning now he saw how truly lucid she’d been; a confession of how she’d always been alone. He sighed sadly as he considered how wrong it was that her words should be so true.
"Do you remember what you said to me after I was finished talking?" he asked, turning to look upon her directly at last.
Kellyn paled. "Yeah," she admitted softly, feeling extremely self-conscious now. "I remember exactly what I said to you."
Rada kept looking right at her, even though he knew she wished he wasn’t; he needed her to see how sincere he was. He clamped his feet on the ground to stop the swing where it was.
“At first I didn’t understand what you meant. I looked at your life and it just didn’t make sense. With Salvek and Arie and even Dabin Reece you should never be alone.” He exhaled slowly. “Then I realised I knew exactly what you meant. True loneliness isn’t a physical distance from people, it’s an emotional one. Loneliness is when," he searched for the words.
“It’s when you’re on a ship full of people and none of them know who you are. No matter how long you spend with them, you know that you will be forever strangers kept at the length of an arm. Your arm.”
She looked over and saw in his face just how genuine his words were.
“I know this because I’ve been on that ship myself at one point." Rada continued. "Apparently it’s larger than I thought, perhaps that’s why it’s so hard to find your way off.”
"Harder to find a way off than that damned train platform in the desert," Kellyn mumbled, before she could catch herself. She wondered if he'd caught what she said just then, hoping not.
The look in his eyes said that he had.
She'd told him long ago about her trip back from the brink of death after she'd taken that bad shock on the Alchemy last year, and so he knew well the weight of her words.
"You said, at one point. So tell me, Rada Dengar. Have you found the way back?" She wished now for little more than motion and would have pushed the swing into action again if the firm planting of his feet on the ground hadn't prevented it.
She wanted to rise; she wanted to run.
She felt in this moment she had the strength to do neither.
"Maybe you can draw me a map. Or better still, a blueprint. You know us. We're engineers. Schematics are our friends," she added, trying to lighten her tone.
Rada smiled, recognising from his past what she was trying to do. “I’m afraid that as much time as I spent there I never did figure out the design of the place,” he confessed, with light amusement “The best I can do is point you in a direction.”
His tone became deadly serious again, his entire face seeming to match it. “It’s the same one you’re heading in now. It’s a long journey and you often won’t have the strength to keep moving forward. You just have to make sure you never turn back.”
Kellyn’s reaction was silence, her face taking on the appearance of one uncomfortably lost in thought. Rada rose from the seat to stand fully on the ground below, allowing Kellyn the freedom again to move the swing as she wished; she chose simply to keep it still.
Rada’s stance, still facing her, told Kellyn that it was his full intention to make sure she made it safely back to her quarters and that he’d not leave her here to think alone. She rose to stand herself, her mind a buzz of thoughts too muddled to grasp.
Discomfort made her fidget but she met his eye line directly, speaking sincere words at barely more than a whisper, saying the only thing that she honestly could.
“I’ll try.”
LT. Commander Rada Dengar
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
and
Commander Lair Kellyn
Engineering Research and Development
The Alchemy Project
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
and
Commander Lair Kellyn
Engineering Research and Development
The Alchemy Project