81012.16
Concurrent with Balance of Power
“A man's errors are his portals of discovery.” ~James Joyce
-=Sickbay, USS Serendipity=-
Dane was looking for O'Sullivans this morning when he walked into Sickbay, and find them he did.
Seeing no doctors or nurses readily available to ask if it was all right if he went beyond the curtain separating Carrick's bed from the rest of the bay, he ventured forward on his own.
Just as he was about to pull that curtain back, averting his eyes as he asked if it was a good time to visit, he heard the sound of voices and stopped.
"Are you feelin' better then this morning, boy?"
"Aye." Carrick mumbled. "A little."
"Doctor says he wants you to walk around a bit later. That he might even be willin' to let you out of here tonight for awhile. What do you think about that?"
No vocal response to Keiran's question was given, as Carrick merely shrugged and then asked one of his own.
"When can I get a smoke, eh?"
Keiran's voice reflected his frown. "Got to break you of that bad habit, no? Took me years to quit. You're too young to be doin' it to begin with. What would your mother say?" The moment he'd said the words, he realized his mistake.
"Don't you," Carrick growled, anger blunting his sentences into fragments. "Don't speak of her to me. You..."
He was still very much blinded by his anger, and only selectively remembering the conversation he'd had with his father the day before, choosing to recall only the details which continued to support Maggie O'Sullivan's portrayal of herself as a victim, and Keiran's as the one who had wronged her. The one who had wronged them both.
"Carrick," Keiran sighed. "Am sorry. Just, give it time right? It's going to take awhile,"
"I just want to be left alone!" Carrick raised his voice, "I don't wan'ta talk. Just leave me be, willya yeah? Go on!"
Displaying the patience that he was so well known for, Keiran stepped back, physically and emotionally. "All right. For now, if that's what you want. I'll...check in on you later."
Dane almost fell to the floor as Keiran emerged from the curtain suddenly.
"Good mornin' Ensign."
"S...Sir," Dane stuttered, trying to recover. He had been so happy to see Keiran alive when they'd returned from the Away mission, he had almost forgotten that in his absence, he'd done something that had betrayed the man though he was not yet aware of it.
"Something wrong, boy?" Keiran picked up on the guilt in Dane's eyes immediately and it worried him.
"Yeah. There is." Dane hung his head. "Could I...have a moment of your time, Sir?"
"I don't have long, mind? I'm due in a meeting with the Captain and the Admiral, dont'cha think it could wait?"
"It's concerning the Captain that I need to speak to you," Dane replied softly, instantly capturing all of O'Sullivan's attention.
"In there, then." He directed Dane around the corner into the CMO's office, currently unoccupied. Dane leaned closer to O'Sullivan and spoke directly into his ear before they crossed the threshold.
"This is something that no one else should hear."
Immediately Keiran disabled the security feed to the room so no one could see, or hear, what was going on inside, and secured the door.
"All right," Keiran was in no mood to draw this out. "Tell me, what it is that's botherin' you so."
"I am an idiot." Dane announced, completely without the usual sarcasm. "I did something so monumentally stupid that when you find out, you are never going to speak to me again, and that's assuming you don't strangle me with your bare hands right where I'm standing. Big assumption."
"Dane, you're babbling," Keiran brought his fingers to the bridge of his nose, a headache threatening to inflict itself upon him at any moment. "For the love of God, man. Spit it out."
"I betrayed her," Dane forced himself to look O'Sullivan in the face as he confessed. "I betrayed you."
Keiran folded his arms and sat down on the edge of the desk, glaring. "How did you do that, exactly?"
"Vox contacted me. Right after you left the Sera," Dane began to pace. "I was angry, I was," he shook his head. "I was such a fool. He told me that Zanh Liis might be lying to him, putting herself, putting everything in danger." His eyes were vacant, haunted by the conversation that had led him so far astray. "Putting you in danger."
"Lying about what, specifically?"
"Lying about whether or not she remembered you. From before you came aboard the ship."
The color drained from Keiran's face. *Dear God...*
"Go on." he insisted, his voice a low, carefully contained growl.
"He told me that it was vital that he find out the truth. He wanted me to look for any evidence I could find that she had lied, and bring it to him when I found it. That was when, as I said before, I did something incredibly stupid. I believed him."
He waited for O'Sullivan to say something, anything, but he said nothing.
"I started looking, and damn if I didn't find exactly the thing needed to condemn her in Vox' eyes." Dane continued. "I found your letter."
"My God, Dane," Keiran gasped in horror, "You didn't,"
"Oh, I was going to." Dane interrupted. "I had every intention of giving it to him." He hated himself for ever having considered it. "But she came back to the Alchemy unannounced. Found me with it. Before I could read beyond the first page, she set it on fire." Dane shook his head. "I can't believe she didn't set me on fire."
Keiran couldn't process his emotions quickly enough to respond. He was vacillating rapidly between rage at what Cristiane had done and the sadness he felt thinking of how deeply his betrayal must have wounded Liis.
"What did he offer you in trade?" O'Sullivan demanded to know.
"Reassignment. To your ship."
Dane was chilled through by the coldness in the man's tone as he spoke in reply. "Did you really think, after that, I ever would've allowed it?"
"I wasn't thinking," Dane responded at last. "That was the problem. I was so pissed off I was completely blind. I blamed her for your reassignment. I was so upset that you were gone I didn't care why you were gone, I only wanted to make someone suffer for it. I thought since she was the captain that it had to be her fault. I wanted..." he looked at the floor, ashamed. "I wanted to hurt her."
"I'm sure you got what you wanted, then. I hope you were satisfied."
"God, Keiran, you don't," Dane shuddered, "You don't understand,"
"Got that right, and I never will." Keiran snapped, struggling to maintain control.
"Let me finish! Please, I need to finish this." Dane pleaded, nearly shouting. "The second I saw the first words on that piece of paper, I realized," Dane's voice began to quiver, "...the second I realized how much she mattered to you, and the kind of memories that Vox had been talking about, personal ones that should be no one else's damned business to begin with,"
He rushed up to Keiran and tried to grasp hold of the man's massive arms.
"I knew I'd done a horrible thing, Captain O'Sullivan. I knew that I deserved to be thrown off the ship. Hell, TC Blane almost tossed me out of the airlock when he found out, and I couldn't have blamed him if he had."
He breathed rapidly, eyes begging O'Sullivan's forgiveness now, even though he knew he dared not ask for it.
"What did the Captain say to you, when she saw you with my," Keiran's voice failed him, he couldn't complete the question.
"She told me to get out. Find my own way back to Earth, but I wouldn't let that stand. I was determined that she was going to make an example out of me in front of the crew. I showed up at Vol's wedding, and I begged her to throw me in the brig. To court-martial me the moment we got back to Earth. I was ready to take whatever punishment that she and Starfleet could give, and I was willing to do whatever I could to help bring Vox down."
Keiran's rage boiled just beneath the surface, and his expression warned Dane to physically back off. He turned away, folding his arms over his chest and putting several steps between them.
"Then the Gauntlet showed up and next thing I knew I was summoned to it. I jumped at the chance to go on the mission to find Carrick. Not even so much for him, as for her, and for you."
Dane had tears in his eyes as he looked back at the man he'd come to respect as a father figure, never having had one before.
"They told us you might be dead. They told us," he slumped down into the nearest chair, dropping his head down into his hands.
"They said that if we didn't stop the Cascade, that Carrick would die too. I didn't care if I lived or died, but I decided in that moment that I'd be damned before I'd let anything happen to him, or to Zanh Liis if I could help it."
Keiran couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had watched Dane, in the span of a few moments time, go from spoiled child to self-sacrificing grown man, right before his eyes.
"I did all I could do, and together we got him out. Then the Sylph came, and I was living that paradox and it was real. It was as real as you and I standing here." Dane's face mutated into a portrait of misery as his voice diminished.
"I was there, in that field in Cork. I watched your family bury you. I couldn't do anything to change it, I could only stand there," his words were almost choked out entirely. "Watching her mourn you."
Keiran's expression of anger turned to sorrow at the thought.
"And I realized for the first time the woman that she really is, and I realized how much she loved you." Dane gulped hard. "You don't know this, Sir, but I made a promise to myself, right then and there. That I would always watch over her, and make sure that she was taken care of, because you couldn't be there to do it. Same for Carrick. I never had a family, Captain, but I was going to be family to them, to the best of my ability. I promised myself," he looked up again with eyes clear, and sure. "I promised you.
"So if you don't want anything to do with me, and you still want to take action against me to remove me from my post, Sir, I understand. You have every right."
"Aye." Keiran replied swiftly, his anger eclipsed momentarily by his curiosity. "I do, that. So does she, right? But she hasn't done. Tell me, Cristiane, why that is?"
Dane shrugged.
"Don't go silent now. You're in over your head, boy. If you want me to throw you a line, you'd better give me a damned good reason to do it."
"I haven't been able to talk to her about it yet since we got back, so I don't know if it holds true in this time or not," Dane admitted, explaining his hesitation to answer. "But when we were standing outside of that cathedral, and I was holding her because she was too weak to stand after your funeral mass, she told me that I'd done everything I could for you, because I brought Carrick home alive. She said," Dane closed his eyes. "She said you'd be proud of me."
He paused as he fought to continue against the tide of his emotions. "I stood there, in O'Halloran's as the Perseids crew eulogized you in their own way and I just kept thinking that if I could just give my life in your place, I'd do it in a heartbeat. You're a far better man than I will ever be."
Dane sat in silence now, and without speaking, Keiran rose from his perch on the edge of the desk. He sat down in the chair beside Dane, sighing heavily.
"You betrayed a trust, and that is not something I can overlook."
"I know, Sir, I,"
"Stop. Talking."
Dane looked up; eyes penitent, mouth closed.
"But three things are, in my estimation, in your favor as reasons for me to try to forget it." Keiran sighed yet again before counting them off.
"First, I know Jonas Vox. He is a very persuasive and troubled man. He was the Admiral in charge of the Project, and I am entirely certain that he abused his authority to manipulate you, and leave you little choice in the matter."
Keiran paused, waiting to see if Dane would try to use Vox as an excuse for his mistakes. Pleased that he did not, O'Sullivan continued.
"Second, you were blessedly caught before you had a chance to do any serious damage to the Captain's reputation, or the Project. Very, very lucky for you, Dane."
Dane nodded.
"Last, she must have forgiven you, for some reason of her own by this point or else you'd either be in the brig or floating free in space right now. I might not trust you at the moment, but I do trust her. So. If she has a reason to give you another chance, then it follows that I should have one as well."
Dane had dared not hope that he'd ever be afforded such a chance to win O'Sullivan's trust back, and his expression began to evolve from one of complete despair to one of disbelief at the thought that he might yet get out of this with his soul.
"I'm grateful to you, for what you did, helping the others rescue Carrick. I'm told that you're the one who actually found him in that horrible place, and I do thank you Dane. I could never repay any of you for saving his life,"
*But,* Dane winced silently as he waited for the rest.
"In my eyes, that act goes a long way toward making amends for the mistakes that you've made. But before I tell you that I'm ready to wipe the slate clean, as she apparently has, I need you to do something."
"Anything, Sir." Dane vowed, sincerely ready to follow through on the promise.
"I need you to stand up, look me in the eye, and tell me that you've learned from this. That you will never, ever consider betraying her again, for an'athing, or ana'one."
Dane leapt to his feet, and waited for O'Sullivan to stand as well.
"Keiran. Captain O'Sullivan, Sir," Dane's eyes teared up again as he held his hand out. "If my word can possibly mean anything to you at this point, then I swear to you upon my life. I will never give her, or you, a reason to question my loyalty again. Ever."
Keiran's eyes burned through him as he nodded very slowly. "See that you don't."
Dane's hand shook as he held it out for a seeming eternity, waiting to see if O'Sullivan would accept it. Observing this, Keiran finally grasped it, and then pulled Dane into a bear hug.
Dane's defenses were gone, and he broke down as the man he wished so much were his father behaved just as a father would.
"I'm sorry," Dane sobbed, "I'm so sorry, Keiran."
"I know, son." Keiran patted him on the back before releasing him. "I know y'are. That's why we won't speak of it again, you and I. That book is closed. We start over, from today. Mind that."
Dane nodded gratefully.
Keiran turned to the computer terminal, and reinstituted the security monitors.
"Good. Now, I've really got to go, am late."
"Aye, Sir." Dane sighed with relief, as Keiran walked away. "Thank you."
O'Sullivan made his way down the corridor, and the moment the doors had closed and he'd directed it to the bridge, he leaned back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to process all that Cristiane had said. He composed himself, determined to be poised and calm walking into that meeting with Zanh and the Admiral, despite what had just happened, and despite the way Carrick had acted as well.
As he pondered Cristiane still, he only knew one thing. That was at the end of it all, despite all Dane had done wrong, he'd never felt more hope for the boy's future than he did at this moment.
Ensign Dane Cristiane
Communications Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
and
Captain Keiran O'Sullivan
Currently aboard the USS Serendipity