587: Sailed On

by -=/\=- Zanh Liis
81016.0500
Immediately following Two Ships
Soundtrack: Sailed On by Landon Pigg

-=Arboretum, USS Serendipity=-

She thought back now to the fiercest fight they had ever had, a little more than a year ago when she'd been thrust overnight into the Command position on the flagship, struggling not only with her own inner darkness but the ravings of a brilliant madman who had told her if she didn't heed his warnings, she would lose something very precious to her.

-=Flashback: Current Timeline:One Year Ago, USS Independence=-

The insistent pounding on the door told her not only who was outside, but that if she didn't open the door, he was going to go get Security.

She really didn't want to talk to anyone. She really just wanted to be alone. But there he was, and he was obviously not going to go away.

"Computer, release the doors." her voice was hoarse, and she set the glass in her hand down onto the table before her.

Taking one last pounding swipe at the doors, Jariel fell more than stepped through them as they opened at last. He was signing furiously.

"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." Liis replied rapidly, to the barrage of questions he'd gestured at her, which included but was not limited to; “Why the hell didn't you answer, do you have any idea how terrified I was and how close I was to waking up the entire security department on this ship or just taking down the doors myself?"

Liis walked toward the replicator and ordered Jariel a cup of tea. She set it on the table. She tried to sweep away the bottle and glass that she'd kept company with this evening, but realized it was too late to hide them from him now. He turned stark white.

[[You've been drinking?]]

"Yes. And I planned to drink a hell of a lot more. But you interrupted me."

This was not the Zanh Liis that Jariel knew.

His mind quickly flew past worry- and landed somewhere in the vicinity of shock. She abhorred little more than the use of substances for the purpose of attempting to escape ones troubles. She had come to that conclusion ages ago, she’d told him, based on experiences in another time, another life.

He threw his arms up into the air helplessly.

"I know." She shrugged as well. "I know how long it's been since I had a drink. But tonight I only had a couple of coping mechanisms available to me, and this seemed the least of all evils." She picked up the glass and tilted it toward her lips again, but Jariel ripped it away angrily.

[[No.]]

He threw it against the wall and shattered it. [[Not while I'm around.]]

He tried to embrace her, but she refused and pushed him away.

[[Please, Liis,]] he plead. [[Talk to me.]]

-=End Flashback=-

She couldn't talk to him, though. All she could do in the end was push him away.

All of his life, Jariel had gone through cycles of pursuit and withdrawal. She realized after awhile she just couldn't count on the pursuit, knowing the withdrawal was forthcoming.

Now she only blamed herself for letting things go on for so long.

She thought about the last time she pushed him away, during her initial Sylph encounter.

In doing so, she finally accepted that the mechanical workings of their relationship had broken down long before she realized what Keiran O'Sullivan had been to her in the past.

*If the machinery had ever truly worked to begin with. *

She looked all around her at the beautiful trees, and grass and flowers.

So alive.

So lovely.

These gardens were a pure reflection of the soul of the man when he was at his best.

Her memory turned to all the times they had spent in places like this, talking, laughing, and helping each other through one crisis or another. She knew that Camen was a gentle, loving man and that was how she would always think of him.

In the end, they had just been too different to appreciate each other fully.

Instead of growing and changing together as things changed around them, they had both resisted that natural process.

Unwilling, or unable to give up their vision of the other as seen through the failing, aged eyes of the past.

She jumped up from the grass, went into the tool shed and retrieved a small blade.

She was just about to dig that blade into the bark of the Solace Tree when something inside stopped her.

She intended to cut the initials out of the bark, treat the wound, and allow the tree to heal over.

Just in time, she understood that even if they weren’t physically there, she would still see them every time she looked at that tree.

What right had she do to it, anyway?

To make such a decision alone about a living, breathing thing that had been such a huge part of their history?

*No. *

The tree had indelible marks upon it, just as she and Jariel had made permanent impressions on each other.

Loving him and being loved by him had, to a great degree, shaped her into who she was today. That was fact and could not be changed; nor would she want to change it, given the choice.

She sighed, closed her eyes, and whispered a few words in Bajoran. She wished him every happiness that life could offer, along with giving thanks for all he had done for her.

She also wished, wherever he was tonight, that he would find his way to all the things he needed that she could never give.

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-=/\=- Zanh Liis
Commanding Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012