356: Clarity: Part One

by Vedek Jariel Camen
80621.0200
After Breaking Point

-=USS Serendipity=-

*Of all the times...* Camen thought to himself. The thought of Liis back there, sobbing in their quarters was too much to handle. He couldn't just leave her there wondering where he went.

He went again to the computer panel, and typed out a simple message for the computer to deliver to her.

[I'll be back soon. Please don't leave.]

He tossed his duffle into an empty room before entering the turbolift. He had never really intended to go anywhere with it, and he certainly wasn't going to stroll into sickbay with it slung over his shoulders for everyone to see.

Before he could enter sickbay, Fleur intercepted him. He dismissed her as quickly as possible, having no ability to possibly cope with her at the moment, and the memories of her he had had.

Somehow, her presence triggered yet another vision of memories from another time in him.

There was no doubt in Camen's mind now that these visions that invaded his soul were real, and Keiran and Liis had not only known each other at some point, but been husband and wife as well. For all the memories they had, and all the years in this time, he could not recall a time where Liis had married him.

Not only that but in the same time Liis had taken a husband, Camen himself had not just married Fleur, but conceived a child with her as well. The thought that those events would have brought suffering to Liis only served to deepen the wound to his heart.

He wanted so badly to simply crumple to the deck and shut the universe out. He just wanted these images to be gone, and to forget they ever happened.

But there was no time for self pity, and no chance that was going to happen. He needed to pull himself together, and get this meeting with O'Sullivan over with.

As he entered sickbay, he caught the eyes of Avery Breaux. The Doctor was hard at work cleaning up the aftermath of the days events. Events Camen had started with a swing of his fist. Avery inclined his head towards a curtained bed, indicating that was where he could find Keiran O'Sullivan.

Camen straightened his shirt and took a deep breath. If this conversation was going to be in any way productive, someone was going to have apologize first off. Jariel decided that someone should be him.

He stepped through the curtain, and looked at Keiran. As soon as he caught the man's eyes, Jariel lifted his hands.

[[I'm sorry.]]

"I'm sorry." Keiran spoke, not to read Camen's sign but rather to apologize himself at the same time.

The silence indicated that the apology was received, acknowledged and accepted.

As weak as Keiran looked, he still attempted to force himself up into a sitting position.

[[Please, be comfortable.]]

"I'm fine." Keiran said, though everything about his appearance told the Vedek otherwise.

Camen allowed the man a moment to situate himself, before beginning.

[[How can I help you, Commander.]]

Keiran shook his head, "It's too late for help. I asked you here for your services as a religious man, I don't know how much time I have left."

[[Time seems to be something you have more than enough knowledge of.]]

"Lad the more I experience time the less I understand it." Keiran laid back down flat on the bed. He had pulled himself up for the sake of the Vedek, but was now willing to accept his body's demand to lay back down.

"How much do you know? How much has she told you?"

[[She hasn't told me anything, the memories have simply come back to me. I know she loved you, and married you, and Fleur and I were expecting a child.]]

As he signed, Camen felt like he was another person, perhaps an actor in a play, because the words formed by his hands were so foreign he could simply not believe they were his own.

"A child?" Keiran said, with genuine surprise. "Then you made it a bit farther than Liis and I."

[[It wasn't planned.]] Camen said simply. He didn't know if it mattered to Keiran, but it mattered to himself. Not that he harbored any ill will towards his child, but he knew in heart he would not intend to bring a child into the world with his soul so divided. A feeling Keiran of all people could certainly understand.

The silence lingered for a moment. Keiran appeared to be lost in his thoughts. Camen allowed him a moment, before asking his next question.

[[Why didn’t you and Liis?]]

"Because ya don't have a child when your heart is anything other then sure. I was never sure."

Camen recoiled at his words. To say the least, that had not been what he expected to hear.

[[You were not sure?]]

"I don't know how she felt about it. I never had the chance to ask. But I couldn't bring myself to ask if I felt her heart wasn't completely mine."

Camen felt his rage and fear ease a bit, and allowed himself to surrender his aggressive posture of standing above Keiran. He pulled up a stool, and sat beside the man.

[[But you were married.]]

Keiran laughed, and rolled his head to the side to stare up at the ceiling, shifting his eyes only to see Jariel sign.

"Your memories of our little baker. Did you love her?"

[[Yes, I felt love for her.]]

"No. Did ye really love her? Would you have given every bit of yourself to make her happy? When you were with her, was she the only one you saw?"

Camen understood what he was trying say, [[No. Liis was always there. Always.]]

"But you were married." Keiran said, repeating what Jariel had said moments before. He shook his head at the lights above. "Don't ye see, Vedek, you were always there too. I had no doubt she honestly loved me, but she could never stop loving you, or leave you completely behind."

Camen felt a tear escape his eye, his anger turning to himself.

[[What happened?]]

"Time took its penance."

[[Time?]]

"We were never supposed to be. I allowed myself to take a chance outside the rules and the Captain paid dearly for it." Keiran couldn't bear to use her first name, as he confided the ultimate truth of all their visions to Jariel.

"She only married me the one time and it ended in disaster. It was only knowing you had married Le Marc that let her open enough to accept me as her husband. Only one other time in my recollection did our love come to the forefront, and even then when I offered a home to her she still couldn't say yes because her heart longed for you. But even that brief moment of love was too much for the timeline, and the Captain paid dearly once again. In all my other memories surin' I cared for her, but she always found her way to you."

Keiran turned slowly to the Vedek, summoning whatever strength he had left. "You and the Captain are just supposed to be, in every time. The constant thing that drives your fates is your love."

[[But, why would you tell me this?]]

"Because you are confused, and angry. I don't know why all these memories are surfacin' like this but I know she is hurtin' because of them. What kind of man would I be if let that hurt go on. Don't be angry with her Jariel Camen, she hasn't done anything wrong, and she's never stopped lovin' you in this time or any other."

Camen felt the guilt twist in the pit of his stomach, as he recalled how he had treated her earlier. He hadn't known the truth, and neither had she.

[[You would rather see me forgive her, and be with her, even if that means your own love cannot be fulfilled.]] The statement was more of a question.

Keiran again lay back to look at the ceiling. "That is already a forgone conclusion. It hurts, it hurts like the fires of Hell, I won't lie to ya, but I would rather suffer that torment for all my years than ever see her life cut short again."

Keiran stretched out his arm, and Camen grabbed it, and held his hand. Even in his sickly state O'Sullivan's grip was still solid. "Your a good man with a good heart, Vedek. Remember the place you hold, and how lucky you are to have it.”

The conversation was halted by the sound of Avery Breaux clearing his throat. The doctor had entered the curtain, and observed them holding hands. "Gentlemen, I hate to disturb this tender moment but Mr. O'Sullivan needs rest."

Camen released Keiran, and stood to depart. *Liis.* He thought suddenly. All this time they had been talking she had been sitting in her quarters alone and afraid.

"I hope you don't blame me for what I've done in the past," Keiran said, just before Camen pushed through the curtain. He stopped, turned around, and lifted his hands.

[[As angry as I've been, if there is one thing I could never blame a man for, it's falling in love with Zanh Liis.]]

Knowing what he did about Zanh Liis, and how she had changed the timelines where he had died, left him with one more question.

[[Keiran, if Liis died, how was the timeline corrected?]]

Keiran didn’t answer him, and his silence spoke volumes. It had been him… somehow Keiran had gone back, and set things right so Zanh Liis would live. Setting things right, even though it meant Liis would be with Camen, as was always intended.

Camen stepped out of the curtain, and through the doors of Sickbay. He returned to the room where he had left his duffle, and sat down at the terminal. Typing at the keyboard, he opened his personal log.

Personal log. Have just spoken to O'Sullivan about a great many things. More than I can even process right now. All I know is that there are those of us in this life that love, but never get the chance to have it fulfilled. I need to pause here now and remind myself what a blessing it is to have Zanh Liis in my life. What we have is rare. Very rare.

Those of us who find love like this must be strong enough to shut out the doubters, critics and forces who always want to tell you it cannot work. If it is meant to be, it will be. I am a lucky man, to have found this.

I love her, she is my life.

Jariel Camen
Ship’s Chaplain
USS Serendipity NCC-2012