by Vol Tryst and Zanh Liis
80717.00
Shortly before arrival at Betazed
(Approximately 48 hours after the party)
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-=Crew Quarters, USS Alchemy=-
80717.00
Shortly before arrival at Betazed
(Approximately 48 hours after the party)
----------------------------
-=Crew Quarters, USS Alchemy=-
Having woken only twice -and very briefly each time- during the previous forty-eight hours, Zanh Liis stirred and returned to consciousness in earnest.
She knew she had no choice but to finally emerge from hiding.
She needed food; and something more than the water and energy bars that Dalton had faithfully left at her bedside as he'd come in to check on her during the remainder of their trip.
Somehow she found the strength to shower and change. She checked the chronometer, gratefully observing that it was an hour at which most of the crew would be fast asleep.
She reached beneath her pillow and once again regarded the piece of correspondence that had scared her so badly, she was willing to do anything to avoid it.
She avoided it, still.
Instead of reading it now, she tucked the letter gently into her one suitcase of prized possessions and then departed her temporary quarters, headed for the galley's replicator.
-=Deck Four=-
The Alchemy was asleep, or as much as a ship could be when it was going at full speed to get to its destination.
By dawn local time they'd all be at Betazed.
Vol would introduce his family to his new-found professional family whom he worked with on the Sera. Most of which, he had only gotten to know well because of this voyage.
There was little to no stress upon the Alchemy now. They had no real objectives, so the crew enjoyed being sociable, with occasional frivolity. Their minds were aloof, Vol sensed, and at ease. Though, that wasn't true for them all.
Vol stood in the empty crew dining hall, where they had celebrated promotions and his impending marriage only a few nights ago. The lights were off, and Vol was leaning back against the table, letting the dim light of the stars hit him weakly, as he just enjoyed the view from his perch.
It wasn't long 'til he realized he was not alone, the Captain apparently knew the advantages of this room as well as he. She felt her sense of surprise, and detected that she might sneak out in hopes of not being caught.
"If you prefer Zanh Liis, I can leave you."
The footsteps stopped, and the Bajoran woman sighed with obvious frustration, and she walked in and approached the Counselor.
"Evening, Counselor."
"Much too late for that now I'm afraid, more like early morning Captain." Vol side glanced the Captain with a soft smile.
"Right then. Whatever." Zanh fidgeted as she tried not to come off as nervous. Not wanting to admit to herself that it was probably too late.
"Again, Captain, I can leave you alone if you'd like."
Zanh raised her gaze to look straight into the eerie looking eyes of the male. He knew she'd been in hiding on purpose. Of course he knew. There was no hiding from this one.
"I noticed, before you took your days' long nap, that you've been avoiding me." Vol crossed his arms, still leaning on the table whereas his Commanding Officer stood up straight.
"I notice that you're the only one of my crew yet to ask how I've been."
"Why would I ask a question that we both know the answer to?"
Zanh pursed her lips. It was bad enough her Counselor was a tad smug and coy, but couldn't he be wrong at least some of the time to balance it out? She took a deep breath, turned slowly to walk to the window's edge.
"Not ready to talk about it?" Vol asked, his borderline rudeness dissipating. His tone was now one of professional concern.
“I can’t talk about it.” She said succinctly.
“Of course you can. You have two lips, vocal chords, air in your lungs,”
“I can’t talk about it, Vol. It’s all so far beyond classified.” She held her hands up hopelessly. “Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. Or the damage could be…” she paused, “considerable.”
“Well, you can talk about feelings without giving them a context that will betray that classification. I know you can, because you have in the past.” Vol knew that Zanh would remember their first session, and how he had said then, as now, that emotions are not classified.
“Without details. Just feelings.” Liis seemed to be considering the concept for the very first time. “I guess I could, but whether I’m willing to try depends on one more thing.” She rocked up and down on her feet, and twisted the chain of her earring- the classic Zanh Liis tell of nervousness.
“That being?”
“All of this has to be off the record. That means no logs, no reports.” She eyed him, doubtful he would agree to her terms, “And you are never to bring it up again, unless I ask you to myself first.”
The Betazoid was silent for a moment, as if weighing the pros and cons of this bargain for a moment. He blinked slowly before answering.
"You and I, speaking of feelings Captain? I've never heard anything more absurd. As far as logs and reports are concerned; the most you and I ever talk about is whether or not it's possible for Dalton to become any balder than he already is." Vol smiled wittily.
"As long as there is a single hair left on that photonic head of his, it could happen." She had to love Tryst for his sense of humor. It was like a wisp of cool air from a window cracked open in a stagnant room- a welcome respite from her darker thoughts, even if only for a second.
"I can barely understand any of it myself, and I doubt you, or anyone, could begin to comprehend what I'm...experiencing."
She realized then that one other certainly could, but he was not here anymore...
Every word took effort to say, she hated revealing her secrets to anyone. And ever since the strain between her and the Vedek, she really had no one to talk to about any of her more personal feelings.
"You wouldn't be referring to the sense of isolation, would you? The feeling of having lost something very important to you, only you have no name to give it. And the doubt you put yourself through? If something has no name, than how can it be important? But then you just know, it is, and it's as simple as that."
Zanh looked up into the reflection of Vol in the window.
"And more than that, you have no one to turn to, to express your feelings. What with, regulations that forbid you, to the feelings of guilt you have for feeling them in the first place.”
Liis laughed bitterly. “Guilt.”
She drew a breath, and then released a small groan expressing the futility of discussing the subject.
“That is what I have lived with every damned day since the day I joined Temporal Investigations. No matter what I do, or don’t do, someone, somewhere, at some point in time in this reality or the next or the one that was real yesterday, is going to get hurt. If that isn't the absolute definition of guilt, I don't know what is, Doctor Tryst.”
“You do know that what happened with the Sylph was not your fault in the least?”
“Maybe not. But they tell me that I remembered things I shouldn’t have and now I don’t remember things I perhaps should and,” Liis tried her best to pass off her distress at holding onto the memories with confusion over what she did and did not remember.
She didn’t mean, honestly, to be deceitful with Vol. It was just that after so many years, so many lifetimes, and so many realities she didn’t even know the truth of who she was or what she believed in anymore.
The truth could change, it seemed, based upon a person’s point of view.
“So many people were harmed with the end of the silence that came when you remembered what you weren't meant to. Maybe you believe that, if you can somehow be silent once more, you'll spare friends and colleagues any more pain."
Zanh finally turned around, her eyes slits, making her appear much more angered than she was due to the dim lighting.
"I hate you."
The words slipped out before she could censor them; a knee-jerk reaction because she knew he was right.
She didn't really mean them and Vol knew it, she was just trying to cover up how exposed she felt in the moment. She began to realize that maybe discussing this with him in greater detail could help her- she just had to trust, and accept the help he offered.
"Computer, lock the door please," said Vol. A precaution, so they would not be disturbed.
Liis sank into a chair across from Tryst. “Some pre-wedding celebration this is turning out to be for you, Vol. This can wait, you know. It’s not like my feelings are going to…go anywhere.”
"Please Captain, I can use the distraction myself." Vol said reassuringly as he sat up and placed his elbows on the table. To this, Zanh perked an eyebrow as she felt his words hit her ears, and as her brain interpreted the tone of his voice.
"Oh? What is it, Vol? That walk to the altar feeling tessipates long?"
"Captain?" Vol fastened a look of confusion on his face.
"It's a Bajoran expression. Something akin to the Humans' 'getting cold feet'." She explained. "Nervous about the wedding?"
"Another discussion, another time, perhaps Captain." Vol promised.
"As you wish." Zanh sighed. She did make a point however, to bring this up later and with a much greater degree of seriousness.
“Perhaps it would be best to start by telling me exactly how you feel in this moment? Don’t censor yourself Zanh Liis, just give the feelings a name as quickly as they come to you.”
“I feel…” Liis thought a moment, the juggernaut of back-logged emotions choking off her words temporarily. “I feel…uncertain. I feel cheated. I feel alone.”
She let her head drop into her hands, and evaded Vol’s eyes. “I feel lost.”
He waited, allowing her all the time she needed to finish her thought.
"I am broken."
"What is it that you're uncertain of?"
"Only everything."
"Oh good then. That gives us a nice clean slate to start with."
"Here's the thing, Vol," She pulled one leg up and tucked it beneath her as she sat and as was normal for her whenever she felt any discomfort, she began to fiddle with her earring.
"All of my life, there has been one thing that defined me, as I knew myself to be in the universe. When I joined TI and everything else I knew of myself was shattered, I always found my way back to center, knowing that one purpose
alone motivated every action I had ever taken."
"That action being?"
"Trying to save...to get back to Jariel Camen."
"And now?"
*Now there is another life I remember and I feel as though no matter what I do, I'm being disloyal to someone...* Liis thought, but of course, she could not say it so plainly. She opted instead for as vague a metaphor as possible.
"Now I feel like someone has shorn the sails from the mast- the sea is angry and I am hanging on to the wheel for dear life." She brought both her knees up and clasped them.
"Everything I knew for certain about myself is in question. How much don't I remember about the lives I've led? How did those lives and anyone I may have known change who I've become? It's like going to sleep in your own bed and then waking up in an unfamiliar room. You don't have any context in which to try to remember where you are, leaving you uncertain where you were to begin with."
Vol paused a moment, to make sure his patient was done before offering his input.
"Have you tried talking to Jariel about all of this?"
"No."
The response sounded harsher than she intended, and so she repeated the word much more gently, in a much smaller voice. "No."
"Shame, he's likely to be suited to explain the upcoming analogy better than I."
Zanh lifted her gaze, to stare into Vol's. Was the answer really that quick to come to? Vol had been resting his lips on his finger-laced hands, and now removed them as he began to offer the best solution he could come up with.
"Gardening is a very taxing endeavor. I can't say I have the patience for it, but like many others, I marvel at the fruits of a Gardener's labor. You seem to enjoy it though, and I dare say you have a gift for it Captain. Tell me, would you happen to know what the oldest plant is on the arboretum on the Sera?"
*Actually I totally suck at it, but what the Hell,* Liis thought, knowing that Vol was merely using an illustration to try to get through to her. She'd go along with him.
"The Solace Tree," she said without hesitation. Her expression altered again, and Vol felt her sorrow deepen at the thought of the little tree. "It was in the garden at Altaan when Jariel and I were children. He had it sent to our last ship, then it was replanted on the Sera...it's older than both of us put together."
"Care for it yourself, do you?"
"Sometimes."
"Can you count, on one hand, how many times it has been relocated?"
"No,"
Vol smiled, seeing how thinking of something other than Jariel, Starfleet, or O'Sullivan was putting her more at ease. He continued.
"Take a moment now Captain and try to remember. Do you recall the container that the tree came to you in? Can you describe, and then compare it the area of the garden it is currently growing in?"
"I couldn't begin to,"
"It's like waking up in an unfamiliar room."
Zanh blinked and set her jaw tightly. She's almost forgotten why they were talking about gardening in the first place. Vol leaned in closer, his hands gesturing as he spoke.
"Each environment had an influence on the plant's development. From the one's that were too small, to the ones that were wide open. If you had chosen different soil to move it into, it could be a completely different tree."
Zanh was beginning to understand, even before the Counselor had finished.
"And just as you can't remember every single spot it's been planted in, neither can the plant, probably. Yet, that's not the point is it? Whether you remember where you've been, or how you've been influenced, there's little or nothing to it. You are the product. The captain of a Starship, and a woman to be reckoned with. That's something to be proud of."
"I appreciate your kind thoughts, Doctor," She began slowly, suddenly feeling that it was imperative that she make him understand, somehow, the magnitude of the crisis she was wrestling.
"But tell me something, Vol. If you woke up tomorrow," Zanh was speaking softly and staring straight at him now instead of evading his eyes, "And someone told you that everything you were just so sure you knew to be true about yourself was a lie," she released her hold of her knees and sat upright in her chair once again. "Where would you begin to try to find the truth?"
"I suppose I would try to be still, and turn to introspection. To try to determine if anything I felt or thought still seemed to be true. Then as soon as I found one thing that felt right, I would begin to build there, reconstructing one thing at a time the picture of who I was."
"That's what I'm trying to do, Doctor. That's why I'm begging you, please. Give me space." Liis' wrung her hands slowly. "As many lifetimes as I have lived, it's going to take a hell of a long time to sort them all."
Vol hadn't expected Zanh to behave in this manner, and his initial reaction was to keep pushing the matter. He had sensed before that she was accepting his professional help, but now she seemed to be withdrawing again.
He stopped himself from speaking, holding his tongue fast.
The Captain had given much more than he'd anticipated, and perhaps the rest would come in time; in her own time. So instead he smiled and nodded, signaling that he would give her the space she requested.
Liis slowly rose from the chair. "I'll leave you to your own thoughts now," She looked at the young man sideways.
"Which, by the way, you are always welcome to bring to me, Vol. If I can ever be of help to you," she paused, "...the way you've helped me, I would gladly take any opportunity available to repay the kindness."
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Ensign Vol Tryst
Ship's Counselor
USS Serendipity/Alchemy
and
-=/\=-Zanh Liis
Commanding Officer
USS Serendipity/Alchemy
Ensign Vol Tryst
Ship's Counselor
USS Serendipity/Alchemy
and
-=/\=-Zanh Liis
Commanding Officer
USS Serendipity/Alchemy