420: The Letter

By Keiran O’Sullivan

(As told by Jariel Camen)




If you are reading this, you know.

You’ve probably felt every emotion there is to feel, and then shut down.

You weren’t supposed to know, that’s what I tried for. Somehow, obviously, I failed and I apologize for that. You were supposed to go on blissfully unaware; adoring and adored by the man who loves you more than life itself. That was my mission.

I hope from what you remember, that you feel like I treated you well. That I was deserving of your affection.

This also scares me to death, for I know you well enough to know that if you believe I deserved you and you felt joy being with me, that now you will be consumed by guilt. You will feel responsible for my heartbreak, and wish to fix it, yet you will also know that fixing it means breaking his heart as well. Either way you can’t make everything right with the Universe.

That’s all you’ve ever done is try to make things right with the Universe. How many times I had to watch you look to see if he was alive, and see you try to hide your agony when you realized you had to start all over again. How many times I just wanted to tell you it was all right to just lay down and stop fighting, but I knew your resolve may bend but it would never break.

So I just stood by your side and told myself that if that were all I could ever have, then that would be enough.

I wish I could have believed it.

That one glorious timeline where we were together was every dream come true for me. I know you missed him sometimes, but I also know you loved me without condition, and I made you happy. That was all I ever wanted to do, timeline be damned.

And now as you read this, you are probably feeling like hell. That’s the last thing I ever wanted to happen. I never wanted you to carry to burden of my pain. You’ve carried enough through more lifetimes then any one soul could ever possibly be expected to carry. We weren’t always partners but even when paired with others before we ever met you were still carrying the same pain. You’ve been dealing with it much longer than I have, and for that reason I neither expect nor want any pity.

I won’t lie to you and say that I don’t hope someday, or in some lifetime, that things can go my way. If only the damn baker were as desirable as you.

Did you laugh?

She’s a nice enough lass but she’s hopelessly outgunned by Zanh Liis.

As I said, the pain and the loss were supposed to be mine to carry, not yours. I don’t expect you to go through your life with the guilt of breaking a man’s heart, especially when nothing you’ve ever said or done can be blamed for the heartbreak. I begged you to let it go in Sickbay, and I beg you for the same now. Let me be the steady hand.

You always want to make everyone’s life better. I’ve watched you these last few months take on leaders of entire worlds because you did not want to see anyone live in a place where they were unloved or uncared for.

You guide your officers; care about what happens in their lives, not just at their stations. I saw you beam with pride when you spoke of how you and he blessed the marriage of Grace and Reece. That Trill does everything in his power to drive you mad but I can still tell you love him. You are such a good-hearted person, despite time giving you every reason not to be. I don’t know where you draw upon for it. I know it isn’t always easy but you’ve always put Zanh Liis’ problems and concerns last.

Please don’t, not this time. You can’t carry my fate upon your shoulders, for if you do, you will never be able to find happiness, or be at peace. I can find a way to survive knowing your life is progressing the way you always dreamed it would since you first began Jumping.

What I cannot live with is the thought that the end result of our love in the other timeline is you being torn and broken now. That would simply be the death of me. It would erase all the work I’ve done, and destroy my one true hope in this life, that Zanh Liis be able to sleep in peace.

A part of you must want to run to me, to take my burden away. Then you will look back at him, and the guilt will be even worse. I beg of you, don’t torture yourself.

I will persevere. I have done before, I will do it again. This is what I have prepared for; this is what we signed up for when we gave ourselves over to TI.

I’m telling you, and I mean this with all my heart, it is all right for you to love him. It is all right for you to wish to be with him. It has driven you for countless lifetimes, I would never ask you to change that. You must go on Liis. If you ever loved me, you will let me have this and you will go on. He treats you like gold, and you deserve it. Someday I hope you understand that. You are not just loved, but you are worth loving. A wise man once told me “How can I ever blame a man for falling in love with Zanh Liis?” I think he signed it, actually. I hope someday you know how easy you are to love.

I will cherish what we had and hope you do the same. Carry the joy we had with you, not the sorrow of the loss. In that, my love will have meaning. If you cannot move past the sorrow, we all lose. You, me, him, and your crew. All of us will lose. I don’t want that.

I love you. Stand tall, walk proud, live the life you want and deserve. Just take it easy on the coffee, for the love of God.

Did you laugh again?


Then fold this letter back up and let that be the last effect my influence has on you for this day.



Keiran O'Sullivan

(As written by Jariel Camen)