430: Seeing the Light: Two

By Jariel Camen and Zanh Liis
80726.18

...continued from part one

-=Lake Cataria, Betazed=-


Her gut reaction was to blurt out the opposite word from the one that was blazing an indelible trail across her mind, but then she remembered the saying that Vol had told her was common among his people.

That ancient proverb stated: One who speaks one thing, and thinks another, is fighting a war inside.

*It’s time for both of us to stop fighting this. *

She expelled her breath slowly along with one word in answer.

“Yeah.”

“Me too.”

She blinked several times. Somehow his answer was unexpected, even though it was not, for some strange reason, unwelcome. She was intrigued. “How so?”

“Well.” He sighed. “I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this issue of…’set point’.”

Liis folded her arms and rocked to and fro gently in her seat. She’d been thinking for days that if he ever became aware of the concept, that it would bother him.

For his part, Camen couldn’t have explained when or where exactly he had become aware of it. He only knew that at some point during his Sylph experience, just as Liis had become aware that TI had been manipulating her with specific memories of him in order to ensure she’d remain in their service, so had he.

He’d also given hours of thought to his most recent visit from the Prophets, and it occurred to him that maybe there was a lot more that was complicating their relationship from the beginning than either of them had bargained for.

“We’ve been pigeon-holed into this existence, into this course all our lives. TI has been driving our every move by using me as your set point. How much of all that we have is just based on…” His voice trailed off. He wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence.

“Fear?” She concluded easily, knowing exactly what he meant to say. She stood from the bench and walked a few steps away, rubbing her hands up and down her arms. “Fear you’d return to the Prophets, fear you would die. Fear I could never be good enough for you.”

Jariel continued instantly, picking up her line of thought from his perspective.

“Fear you would be recalled for another Jump, fear you would not come back from that Jump. Fear you would shut me out when we needed each other most.”

*That is what I’ve always done, * Liis thought, * I don’t know if that can ever change. *

Camen read her expression quickly and correctly.

“Now that we’ve seen, now that we know that our lives don’t have to be based on the existence we thought we were destined for, are we really happy with this?” He let the question linger, unanswered, for a long time before he rose and stood before her. “Or are we just holding on to try and chase the fear away?”

“I’ve been running for a long time to try and hold the fear at bay.” Liis moved back to the bench, and sat once again, this time taking her head into her hands. “I’m exhausted Jariel. You must be too.” She looked up at him once again, sincerity evident in her voice and expression as she tried to explain how she felt.

“I love you, but something the Sylph did to me. To us,” she shook her head, “It’s like I’m waking up from a long, deep sleep and suddenly realize that for years I have felt like I’m obligated to take care of you.” She didn’t fear now that the words or the feelings behind them would injure him, because she was certain that she was not alone in feeling them. “I know you must feel the same way.”

“Yes,” he admitted, moving to sit beside her again. “When you were weak and alone as a child, I felt it was my responsibility to be your keeper. I still feel that way today.”

He cast upon her an expression that was a combination of wonder and disbelief.

“Are we really in love, Zanh Liis, or are we just slaying dragons?” He shook his head, “Do we want to spend the rest of our lives feeling like we based our love on a desire to protect one another?” Jariel waited patiently as she thought about his questions, carefully considering her reply.

“Love should be about unconditional affection, and the desire to guard and protect should flow from that.” Liis decided, finally seeing her way clear of the tangle of emotions she’d been trapped in. “Not the other way around. There have always been so many conditions upon us, and we’ve always had to run from them. It’s never been fair to you, Camen. Never from the start.”

“Nor to you.”

“You deserve to be loved by someone who doesn’t temper it, or withhold it with the fear and baggage.” She continued, “We both know that is something that I will never be able to give you.”

“You deserve that too,” Jariel inhaled deeply, and then slowly exhaled. “The Emperor has no clothes. We shouldn’t fear that we must be together just because we believe we are nothing apart. That belief has defined us, and had us looking over our shoulders for a long time.”

As they spoke the fog and fear that had cloaked them for so many days began to lift.

Liis felt as if she were finally finding peace in herself for the first time, knowing that he could be safe and live without her being responsible for fixing every adversity that may befall him. Knowing that his world would not fall apart if she were not there. She hadn’t realized until now just how long that sense of responsibility had weighed her down.

It was a sense that Camen has shared, and for the first time as he considered their relationship as it had been ending, he knew they would both be all right.

She was not the helpless child anymore, and she could stand on her own two feet. If she were to love someone completely, that love would have to come in the form of the other seeing her for what she was, and caring for that.

Camen had always seen her as needing protection, without really seeing her.

They were so different, and that difference drove them together and apart in spectacular explosions, but never really left either of them feeling they had all of each other, or everything they needed.

“You don’t even know understand yet how you deserve to be loved.” Liis whispered, then she smiled, feeling the deep conviction that someday, he would know.

“Neither do you, Liis. When all the fear and angst is removed from the equation of your life, you’ll understand just how special you are. I wouldn’t be alive today were it not for all you’ve done, for that I thank you.”

“I just want you to be happy.”

“I just want you to find peace. But we are who we are, and we know the fear that has been conditioned to drive us will never go away.” He reached up and touched the earring that he wore gently. “We have protected each other to the point of becoming the thing that has been holding the other back. It’s time for us to be free of this, at last. We must find and follow our own paths.”

Liis nodded, and hugged him. He embraced her in return.

“Where will you go?” She asked, knowing that he would not stay on Betazed for the rest of the festivities. It would be too awkward to explain things to the crew on the near-eve of Vol’s Bonding.

“Home,” he decided quickly. “It seems that whenever I am seeking something, that is where I end up finding it.”

She nodded. “Right away?”

“I’ll take the first transport.”

She frowned at the thought of what would become of the crew, though, who were all so attached to him. They loved him dearly, each in their own way. How would they handle it if he found himself on Bajor and never came back to his post?

“Wait. What about the Sera?”

His eyes questioned her, and she answered without hesitation.

“You’ll always have your place there, as long as I have anything to say about it. We couldn’t do without you, Jariel.”

They hugged once more.

This felt like an ending in a way, but it also felt like a beginning; and in that there was not only peace but also a renewed view of the universe and life in it.

They were both starting again, this day.

“This belongs to you,” Liis reached up and removed his earring from her ear.

She didn’t know if he would ever choose to wear it again, but it had come from his family and been one of the only pieces of his past that he had to keep of them- she would not feel right keeping it now.

“Thank you, for keeping it safe for me.” He unclipped the earring he wore just the same, and they traded.

For a moment, her mind flashed back to the teenagers they had been, and she understood that she truly had nothing to fear in this moment.

Their relationship would change, but she truly believed with all of her heart that they would always have that well of friendship to draw upon, whenever either of them should need it.

Jariel gently tossed the earring she’d handed him up into the air a couple of times, catching it in his palm each time it fell. Then he held it up in the air, and with the slight-of-hand trick that he had learned when they were only children, he made it ‘disappear’.

Liis smiled wistfully.

Then she remembered something else, and looked down at her hand.

“What about this?” She twisted her wide silver band, the one he had given her in an alternate time and place. “What should I do with it?”

“Whatever brings you peace, Zanh Liis.” He whispered. He reached out and gently touched her face, before stepping away from her and back toward the trail.

”You’ve only got seventy two days of accumulated shore leave on file, Jariel Camen,” Liis called after him, “If you take a day longer, it’s going to go on your permanent record. I expect you to be back aboard the Sera by then, whatever you find on Bajor.”

“Yes Sir.” He saluted her, and then smiled at her with an emotion she’d never seen in him before, one she could not define. “Keep my office warm.”

As he disappeared, Liis whispered, looking down at the jewelry in her palm.

“And your Arboretum weeded. I promise.”

Jariel Camen
Ship’s Chaplain
USS Serendipity NCC-2012

and

-=/\=-Zanh Liis
Commanding Officer
USS Serendipity NCC-2012