by Jariel Camen
80727.2300
After Seeing the Light
-=Inn at Lake Cataria, Betazed=-
80727.2300
After Seeing the Light
-=Inn at Lake Cataria, Betazed=-
Jariel took his leave of Liis, looking down into his palm at the earring he held in his hand. His fingers twitched around it, ready to lift it up to clip to his ear.
Then he stopped.
It was still warm, and there was a strand of her hair trapped under the clasp.
He couldn't put it on.
He looked back over his shoulder and saw Liis staring out at the scenery in the distance. She stood alone, it was something Jariel had never really seen. Not by herself, but alone. He knew she would be all right.
He turned back and looked at the winding path before him. He took a step, and stopped again. The leaves rustled gentle in the breeze and the sun shone brightly down on the path. By all accounts it was a breathtaking walk through nature, but as Jariel stood staring it just seemed dark to him.
He thought of everything they had just talked about, about chasing fear. About manipulation. About responsibility.
Then he thought of the soaking wet Zanh Liis who came to him on Bajor.
When they fell in love, there was no manipulation to those feelings, they were genuine and heartfelt. Those feelings could not be without meaning, they had to count for something.
How could he ever really come back to Sera with the two of them professional acquaintances only? How could he sit across a table from her? Or on their swing in the arboretum? Or beneath the Solace tree?
Serendipity was supposed to be their soft place to fall, their playground in the stars. He was safe now, he knew that. He could have walked out of her life knowing she was at peace, knowing she no longer would need to worry about him.
He could have walked out of her life knowing she didn't need his protection, that she could stand on her own two feet. Perhaps that was every reason to go now and explore on his own. Perhaps that was every reason to have a new beginning.
Perhaps that was every reason he needed to turn around.
Perhaps the new beginning didn't mean he had to leave her.
Perhaps none of that could answer the question he had failed to ask himself as they spoke.
*Are you still in love with her?*
He stared ahead, waiting for clarity to define him, feeling nothing now but the beat of his own heart in his chest. His hands gripped the earring she had returned to him so hard the ornaments threatened to break through his skin. He loosened his grip, and looked down again, seeing the imprint the earring had left in his hand. Her love had made an imprint on him that he knew could never be removed. There had been pain and things that went wrong, but when he thought of the imprint on his heart, it wasn't about these things.
It was about her smiling and signing across the room.
It was about swinging on their bench together.
It was about the tone of her skin in candlelight.
There was simply no possible way his feelings of love came from any outside influence, no way they came from anywhere but his heart.
He looked back over his shoulder again, and realized she was looking back up the path at him. He spun on his heel, looking down at the ground as he descended till he stood before her, seeing only her boots.
"Liis, I can't walk away without asking you one last question." He looked up into her eyes. "Despite it all, if I leave now, will there always be a part of you that is in love with me?"
Her eyes clouded and a tear fell to the ground below.
She simply nodded.
"How can that not count for anything? After all these years? Damn the Prophets, damn Vox and damn the Sylph. My love has always come from my heart, it has been mine to give, and I've never wanted to give it to anyone other than you. If that's not genuine or true, I don't know what I can believe in. I don't know what matters. I don't know what is real. I don't know how I listen to a song that reminds me of you or go somewhere only we know. I can't just turn love off, I can't just say goodbye if my feelings for you are still true."
"All those nights in the arboretum, just talking. Where would I go without that feeling of peace and warmth I got from our time together?" Liis wondered aloud.
Jariel took five steps backwards, and extended his closed hand out towards her.
"Liis, what if I told you I'm all right. You have no responsibility towards me. What if I told you I believed you are strong enough to stand on your own. What if I said neither of us has anything to be afraid of, that we are old and wise enough to take care of ourselves. That we've seen that we can live our lives apart, and the Universe won't end. What if I said all the fear and angst the has driven us apart and together through all these lifetimes is over now and our minds are at peace. What if I said the night is over, and we are now being gently cast into morning."
Camen slowly unfurled his hand towards her, extending his fingers.
"What if I told you the only reason you have left to reach out and take my hand right now is because you love me?"
Liis looked at his open hand, and his soft beautiful face. She truly believed him, that he no longer needed or wanted her protection. If she reached out and took his hand, he wanted it to only be because she loved him. It was her heart that would really have to matter in the end.
She closed the gap between them, and raised her hand, letting her fingers intertwine with his.
"I love you Zanh Liis. I have been stripped down to the bone, and everything I've carried through this life has been removed. In the end, the last question I had to ask was do I still love you? That was when I turned around."
"I love you, too."
Jariel drew her closer, closing the gap between them, and kissed her deeply. His hand that held her earring folded into hers, and their earrings meshed against each other. He withdrew hers from her hand, leaving his behind.
Liis rested her head on his shoulder, looking down the path that just moments ago Camen was about to depart on. She stepped back and offered her hand to him now.
"Take my hand and take the path, if all that is left at the core of you, is to walk it with me."
Jariel took her hand, and together they walked back up the hill. He suddenly saw her in a fresh, new light. She was no longer the hungry child from Bajor. She was a strong independent woman, who could walk by his side for no other reason than knowing that she loved him.
They were partners, not dependants. Together they could walk through any adversity life could hand them.
As he looked at Liis beside him, Jariel did something he could not recall doing for a long time.
He smiled.
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Jariel Camen
Ship’s Chaplain
USS Serendipity NCC-2012
Jariel Camen
Ship’s Chaplain
USS Serendipity NCC-2012