by Zanh Liis
80104.2
Following The End of the Yellow Brick Road
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Dorothy Gale: "Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?"
Glinda: "You don't need to be helped any longer.
You've always had the power to go back to Kansas."
Dorothy Gale: "I have?"
The Scarecrow: "Then why didn't you tell her before?"
Glinda: "Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself."
~The Wizard of Oz, (MGM 1939)
----------------------------------------------
80104.2
Following The End of the Yellow Brick Road
----------------------------------------------
Dorothy Gale: "Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?"
Glinda: "You don't need to be helped any longer.
You've always had the power to go back to Kansas."
Dorothy Gale: "I have?"
The Scarecrow: "Then why didn't you tell her before?"
Glinda: "Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself."
~The Wizard of Oz, (MGM 1939)
----------------------------------------------
(. . .continued)
Jariel had promised to help Vedek Shamira, an elderly woman who was even older and more fragile than Timal, direct the children to their rooms for the night.
So that was what he did as Liis followed Timal from the kitchen and into the small office he kept down the hall.
She was amazed to see how very little had changed about the room, even in twenty years time. Right down to the two antique rocking chairs that sat before the small fireplace opposite his desk.
She remembered often sitting in one of those chairs and being lectured by him, when she was still so short that her feet did not touch the ground.
"A Starfleet captain," Timal began, not looking up at her as he started rifling through the drawers in his desk. "You got what you always wanted. Has your chosen path led you to contentment, Zanh Liis?"
"I believe it has."
"That is not correct." Timal replied simply.
Liis laughed out loud. "I'm sorry?"
"You are neither content, nor happy. You may be able to make people believe that the life you have led up until this point has satisfied you. But I know better. I know you better."
He pulled a small, flat wooden box from the bottom drawer and blew a layer of dust from its lid.
"You never knew me." Liis objected bitterly. She was determined that when she left this place, this time, there would be nothing left unsaid between them.
"I'm not a child anymore, Timal. You can't bully me, you can't belittle me. I won't allow it."
"Belittle you?" Timal seemed honestly shocked by her words. "I?" Moving towards the fireplace, Timal sat down slowly and released a long sigh. "Is that really what you think I did?"
"From the day I got here, I could never please you. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. I was never enough for you."
"Zanh Liis," Timal's facial features softened, and he gestured to the chair across from him, bidding her to sit.
She did as asked and waited for him to continue.
"The other children, they were going to stay on Bajor. They were going to lead very different lives from the one that I knew you were destined for." He pointed toward the door, knowing Jariel was somewhere not far beyond it.
"You, and Jariel, both. There was something that I saw in you, something that I wanted to see reach its full potential. I was right. Look at you. Captain Zanh Liis." He allowed her to see for the first time that he was, in fact, pleased with what she had done with her life.
"I knew that once you left here, the challenges that Starfleet would present to you would be far greater than any that you faced growing up. And if you think that I believe your childhood was easy, you are deceiving yourself, young woman. I know that it was anything but easy," he paused, his eyes reflecting just the slightest hint of regret. "I was. . . very hard on you."
Liis was speechless.
"But I was determined that I was not going to fail Anian Naloy. When she brought you to us, I made a promise that I would see to it that you built a good life, and I did." His eyes stared almost through her now as he spoke of her grandmother. "I kept my promise to her."
"I wish I remembered Naloy better," Liis confessed. "She came to me in a vision, Timal. Recently I was. . .taken by force from my ship. I was injured. When I was faced with the choice between life and death, she told me to fight."
"A vision from the Prophets!" Timal seemed truly surprised. "You received a great gift, Zanh Liis. Ponder over it, in the quiet moments. Focus on her eyes, the sound of her voice as she appeared to you in that vision. If you do, she will reveal herself to you, in time. When you are ready."
"I owe her so much," Liis reached out and took Timal's crooked, spindly fingers in hers. "I owe you so much. If I seem ungrateful,"
"You're angry. You were always angry," he interrupted, "I knew that. I also knew that someday you would come to understand, if you only tried."
"I'm trying, I promise you."
He nodded. "I want you to try something else as well, Zanh Liis. I want you to try to learn the one lesson I was never able to teach you successfully."
"Which lesson is that?"
"How to be happy."
Liis looked away, into the dying fireplace. She reached out, took the poker beside it and stirred the embers until the flames were alive again. *No wonder I've always felt so exposed to him,* she thought. *He really can see through me.*
"Jariel loves you, that much is plain. Allow him to do so, fully. Don't hold back out of fear of what you may lose. Because holding back does not keep anyone safe from loss, it only ensures that they will be lonely, no matter what happens."
He seemed to be speaking from hard won experience as he stared at the box he'd left on the desk top. "Believe me," he rose from his chair, picked the box up once more, and handed it to her. "I know."
"What's this?"
"Something I should have given you a very long time ago."
Liis opened the box and instantly, she leaned back in her chair. Inside of it was an earring that was very familiar to her, because her Grandmother had been wearing it in her vision.
The box also contained what appeared to be letters tied together with string, and a very faded, printed photograph of a dark haired child sitting on the knee of a woman who gazed on her adoringly.
"These belonged to Naloy. Before she died, she asked me to give them to you when you were old enough to understand their significance. I should have done it years ago. But if I gave them away, I would have to accept," Timal's voice broke and softened to a whisper, "That I would never see her again."
Liis gaped at Timal, truly seeing him for the first time. Tears filled her eyes as she grasped the meaning of what he was saying.
It hit her in that instant that TC Blane had been right all along. Timal was only a man, and one who had also felt, and lost love in his lifetime.
"Did I ever tell you that Naloy and I grew up in the same village, Zanh Liis?"
She shook her head 'no'.
"Why do you think it was that Jariel's love for you always worried me? I knew that it would bring him heartache."
"I love him too, Timal. I only want to make him happy."
"I know. You've loved him since you were a little girl. I could tell." He put his hand on her shoulder. "You've been through so much, both of you. The war, everything after. He's confided many things in me."
The old man gently took hold of Liis' ear. "Your Pagh is strong, Zanh Liis. Stronger than you know. Let it lead you to happiness, at last. You have earned the right."
She brushed a tear away from his cheek, the first she had ever seen him shed in her lifetime.
"My remaining days in this life are numbered. The time has come for me to say the things I have always wanted to say, and I want you to know that no matter how hard I was on you, I always loved you." He touched her cheek with the back of his hand. "How could I not, when you were a part of her?"
Liis was numb, barely able to believe what she was hearing. She knew that she would need a long time to work through all that had happened to her today.
"I truly am grateful to you, Timal, for everything. I wish you peace, all of your days."
She stood up and placed a gentle kiss upon his cheek before moving toward the exit.
"Zanh Liis, there is one last thing." Timal called, trying to sound as stern with her as he had when this day had begun.
"Yes, Sir?"
"Tell the young Vedek that I expect him to keep up better with his correspondence in future. No matter how busy he gets."
"Yes, Sir." Liis promised, and then gently closed the door.
In the corridor, she found Jariel waiting for her, his hands clasped behind him. He observed the box in her hand, and furrowed his brow curiously.
"I'll tell you all about it, on the way back to Earth." She said, her voice hoarse and once again threatening to desert her. He nodded, and took her right hand in his left and proceeded with her out into the snow.
They walked to the foot of the runabout's ramp, and both stood still a moment, staring back at the place that had, in so many ways, made them who they were.
Jariel pulled Liis' hand to his chest, and held it there. He locked eyes on her, his breath making soft clouds in the air every time he exhaled. He released his grasp, but only so that he could speak.
[[The night I kissed you for the first time in that kitchen, twenty years ago, what I really wanted to do was ask you a question.]] He signed slowly. [[If I ask it of you now, what would your answer be?]]
She knew the question without him having to ask it.
"I'd say that I'm already yours." She touched his face, "And that the reason I've worn this ring all these years is because of that. But if we were to get married, Jariel," she stumbled over the words, "I feel like it would paint a huge, visible target on you. There are people who want little more than to see me dead, and that's only after they finish making me suffer first. As things stand, you are not as visible on their radar.
"I would love nothing more than to take your name, and make a home with you. A real home. And I will." She promised. "One day. But not yet, it's not time yet. You have to believe me. In the meantime, we can still build a life together. I hope that will be enough for you, because I can't be without you, Camen. Even if uncertainty makes me doubt every other choice I've made in my life, the one thing I always know for certain is that I love you."
Jariel leaned forward and kissed her.
Another front of clouds had blown in from the north and gathered overhead, and once again soft downy snowflakes fell from the sky. Everything around them was still, and looked bright and new.
[[I'll wait.]] He declared. [[Just so long as you promise me that you will remember that any time, any day, all you have to do is say the word.]]
Liis smiled a genuinely happy smile for the first time since they had set foot in this place. "I promise."
She pulled the collar of his coat up tighter around him gently. "Would you go in and tell TC we're almost good to go? I'm just going to double check the locking clamps on the ramp before he closes it up. Make sure they haven't frozen in place."
[[Hurry up, Liis. It's too cold for you out here.]]
As Liis turned away to look at the orphanage one last time, she saw the bent and frail form of Vedek Timal, framed by light as he watched her through the window.
He raised one hand to wave goodbye, and she bowed to him slightly as a show of respect.
"Walk with the Prophets, Vedek Timal."
Jariel had promised to help Vedek Shamira, an elderly woman who was even older and more fragile than Timal, direct the children to their rooms for the night.
So that was what he did as Liis followed Timal from the kitchen and into the small office he kept down the hall.
She was amazed to see how very little had changed about the room, even in twenty years time. Right down to the two antique rocking chairs that sat before the small fireplace opposite his desk.
She remembered often sitting in one of those chairs and being lectured by him, when she was still so short that her feet did not touch the ground.
"A Starfleet captain," Timal began, not looking up at her as he started rifling through the drawers in his desk. "You got what you always wanted. Has your chosen path led you to contentment, Zanh Liis?"
"I believe it has."
"That is not correct." Timal replied simply.
Liis laughed out loud. "I'm sorry?"
"You are neither content, nor happy. You may be able to make people believe that the life you have led up until this point has satisfied you. But I know better. I know you better."
He pulled a small, flat wooden box from the bottom drawer and blew a layer of dust from its lid.
"You never knew me." Liis objected bitterly. She was determined that when she left this place, this time, there would be nothing left unsaid between them.
"I'm not a child anymore, Timal. You can't bully me, you can't belittle me. I won't allow it."
"Belittle you?" Timal seemed honestly shocked by her words. "I?" Moving towards the fireplace, Timal sat down slowly and released a long sigh. "Is that really what you think I did?"
"From the day I got here, I could never please you. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. I was never enough for you."
"Zanh Liis," Timal's facial features softened, and he gestured to the chair across from him, bidding her to sit.
She did as asked and waited for him to continue.
"The other children, they were going to stay on Bajor. They were going to lead very different lives from the one that I knew you were destined for." He pointed toward the door, knowing Jariel was somewhere not far beyond it.
"You, and Jariel, both. There was something that I saw in you, something that I wanted to see reach its full potential. I was right. Look at you. Captain Zanh Liis." He allowed her to see for the first time that he was, in fact, pleased with what she had done with her life.
"I knew that once you left here, the challenges that Starfleet would present to you would be far greater than any that you faced growing up. And if you think that I believe your childhood was easy, you are deceiving yourself, young woman. I know that it was anything but easy," he paused, his eyes reflecting just the slightest hint of regret. "I was. . . very hard on you."
Liis was speechless.
"But I was determined that I was not going to fail Anian Naloy. When she brought you to us, I made a promise that I would see to it that you built a good life, and I did." His eyes stared almost through her now as he spoke of her grandmother. "I kept my promise to her."
"I wish I remembered Naloy better," Liis confessed. "She came to me in a vision, Timal. Recently I was. . .taken by force from my ship. I was injured. When I was faced with the choice between life and death, she told me to fight."
"A vision from the Prophets!" Timal seemed truly surprised. "You received a great gift, Zanh Liis. Ponder over it, in the quiet moments. Focus on her eyes, the sound of her voice as she appeared to you in that vision. If you do, she will reveal herself to you, in time. When you are ready."
"I owe her so much," Liis reached out and took Timal's crooked, spindly fingers in hers. "I owe you so much. If I seem ungrateful,"
"You're angry. You were always angry," he interrupted, "I knew that. I also knew that someday you would come to understand, if you only tried."
"I'm trying, I promise you."
He nodded. "I want you to try something else as well, Zanh Liis. I want you to try to learn the one lesson I was never able to teach you successfully."
"Which lesson is that?"
"How to be happy."
Liis looked away, into the dying fireplace. She reached out, took the poker beside it and stirred the embers until the flames were alive again. *No wonder I've always felt so exposed to him,* she thought. *He really can see through me.*
"Jariel loves you, that much is plain. Allow him to do so, fully. Don't hold back out of fear of what you may lose. Because holding back does not keep anyone safe from loss, it only ensures that they will be lonely, no matter what happens."
He seemed to be speaking from hard won experience as he stared at the box he'd left on the desk top. "Believe me," he rose from his chair, picked the box up once more, and handed it to her. "I know."
"What's this?"
"Something I should have given you a very long time ago."
Liis opened the box and instantly, she leaned back in her chair. Inside of it was an earring that was very familiar to her, because her Grandmother had been wearing it in her vision.
The box also contained what appeared to be letters tied together with string, and a very faded, printed photograph of a dark haired child sitting on the knee of a woman who gazed on her adoringly.
"These belonged to Naloy. Before she died, she asked me to give them to you when you were old enough to understand their significance. I should have done it years ago. But if I gave them away, I would have to accept," Timal's voice broke and softened to a whisper, "That I would never see her again."
Liis gaped at Timal, truly seeing him for the first time. Tears filled her eyes as she grasped the meaning of what he was saying.
It hit her in that instant that TC Blane had been right all along. Timal was only a man, and one who had also felt, and lost love in his lifetime.
"Did I ever tell you that Naloy and I grew up in the same village, Zanh Liis?"
She shook her head 'no'.
"Why do you think it was that Jariel's love for you always worried me? I knew that it would bring him heartache."
"I love him too, Timal. I only want to make him happy."
"I know. You've loved him since you were a little girl. I could tell." He put his hand on her shoulder. "You've been through so much, both of you. The war, everything after. He's confided many things in me."
The old man gently took hold of Liis' ear. "Your Pagh is strong, Zanh Liis. Stronger than you know. Let it lead you to happiness, at last. You have earned the right."
She brushed a tear away from his cheek, the first she had ever seen him shed in her lifetime.
"My remaining days in this life are numbered. The time has come for me to say the things I have always wanted to say, and I want you to know that no matter how hard I was on you, I always loved you." He touched her cheek with the back of his hand. "How could I not, when you were a part of her?"
Liis was numb, barely able to believe what she was hearing. She knew that she would need a long time to work through all that had happened to her today.
"I truly am grateful to you, Timal, for everything. I wish you peace, all of your days."
She stood up and placed a gentle kiss upon his cheek before moving toward the exit.
"Zanh Liis, there is one last thing." Timal called, trying to sound as stern with her as he had when this day had begun.
"Yes, Sir?"
"Tell the young Vedek that I expect him to keep up better with his correspondence in future. No matter how busy he gets."
"Yes, Sir." Liis promised, and then gently closed the door.
In the corridor, she found Jariel waiting for her, his hands clasped behind him. He observed the box in her hand, and furrowed his brow curiously.
"I'll tell you all about it, on the way back to Earth." She said, her voice hoarse and once again threatening to desert her. He nodded, and took her right hand in his left and proceeded with her out into the snow.
They walked to the foot of the runabout's ramp, and both stood still a moment, staring back at the place that had, in so many ways, made them who they were.
Jariel pulled Liis' hand to his chest, and held it there. He locked eyes on her, his breath making soft clouds in the air every time he exhaled. He released his grasp, but only so that he could speak.
[[The night I kissed you for the first time in that kitchen, twenty years ago, what I really wanted to do was ask you a question.]] He signed slowly. [[If I ask it of you now, what would your answer be?]]
She knew the question without him having to ask it.
"I'd say that I'm already yours." She touched his face, "And that the reason I've worn this ring all these years is because of that. But if we were to get married, Jariel," she stumbled over the words, "I feel like it would paint a huge, visible target on you. There are people who want little more than to see me dead, and that's only after they finish making me suffer first. As things stand, you are not as visible on their radar.
"I would love nothing more than to take your name, and make a home with you. A real home. And I will." She promised. "One day. But not yet, it's not time yet. You have to believe me. In the meantime, we can still build a life together. I hope that will be enough for you, because I can't be without you, Camen. Even if uncertainty makes me doubt every other choice I've made in my life, the one thing I always know for certain is that I love you."
Jariel leaned forward and kissed her.
Another front of clouds had blown in from the north and gathered overhead, and once again soft downy snowflakes fell from the sky. Everything around them was still, and looked bright and new.
[[I'll wait.]] He declared. [[Just so long as you promise me that you will remember that any time, any day, all you have to do is say the word.]]
Liis smiled a genuinely happy smile for the first time since they had set foot in this place. "I promise."
She pulled the collar of his coat up tighter around him gently. "Would you go in and tell TC we're almost good to go? I'm just going to double check the locking clamps on the ramp before he closes it up. Make sure they haven't frozen in place."
[[Hurry up, Liis. It's too cold for you out here.]]
As Liis turned away to look at the orphanage one last time, she saw the bent and frail form of Vedek Timal, framed by light as he watched her through the window.
He raised one hand to wave goodbye, and she bowed to him slightly as a show of respect.
"Walk with the Prophets, Vedek Timal."
----------------------------------------
-=/\=- Captain Zanh Liis
-=/\=- Captain Zanh Liis